


To Repair the Broken

by utxop



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Canon Universe, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-30
Updated: 2017-10-01
Packaged: 2019-01-06 22:10:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 22
Words: 79,923
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12219963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/utxop/pseuds/utxop
Summary: After one more failed expedition, you understand you and Levi might be more than just simple colleagues. Or: what happens when two souls find shelter in one another.





	1. Prologue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (This story was originally posted on my Deviantart profile. Just decided to up my game and post it here as well. Hope you enjoy!)

** _Year 848_ **

Your fists balled the moment you started to feel the world again – the wind, the cold, the hooves thudding against the ground, the softness of the fabric you were holding. It felt like you were back to being a newborn, sensing it all for the first time. The moment you took your first breath in it seemed like you were being torn apart.

Suddenly, you couldn’t feel anything but the stabbing pain that was radiating across your torso. For a second, you wondered if it felt the same when you came the very first time to this world; if it was that painful. As shallowly as you tried to take in your breathing, it wouldn’t stop. Every time the wheels of the cart met the smallest of rocks, the vibrations of the wood ripped your body in that one agonising pain you felt you could never escape. You held the fabric tighter, somehow grateful the cloak had been laid on your body, keeping you warm and comforted and allowing you to at least have something to hold on to.

“She’s awake!” someone screamed.

The voice was strangled, filled with what sounded like both relief and fear. You opened your eyes, blinking away the tears that were starting to form behind your lids. The sun and the pain combined blinded you, only granting you to see forms and shadows whirling around. You wanted to throw up. The calm and peaceful disillusion you had for mere seconds was gone, and you knew deep down that you wouldn’t have the opportunity to feel it again in a long time – if ever again.

A hand gently reached for your shoulder. “Don’t move, Squad Leader. You’ll hurt yourself even more if you do so.”

You wanted to punch whoever the idiot was for assuming that you were in any state to ‘do so’. You could barely breathe and surely enough you didn’t want to know what it would feel like if you even tried to straighten your spine. You wanted to do anything, anything to stop the pain, but every time you inhaled to calm yourself down it only made things worse, the pain causing the little air remained in your lungs to force its way out – keeping you on the verge of passing out every time it happened.

“We’re almost there. Hold on.”

Linn.

It was only in this moment that you recognised her. Her voice, even in the most petrifying situation used to stay calm, soft and low. But her face _always_ betrayed her. Your eyes shifted to meet hers. There was sorrow, only sorrow wrapped around her features, pinning you back to the reality of the world you have just woken up into. Once again, you wondered if you realised the world was that cruel when you were born, even if it was just for a moment, did you feel it? Was it why it hurt so much?

“Report, Linn,” you managed to hiss, fist clenching on the cloak.

You needed to hear it. You deserved it all. The pain in your ribs wasn’t enough, it was only a vehement of what was really about to come.

“No, no, you need to rest first, I will report when you’ll feel—”

“I said, report, Linn.”

She stiffened instantly, widening her eyes at the sound of your voice. It wasn’t a request, it was an order and she knew that she had to comply no matter what and that most of all, you wouldn’t back down until you’d get what you wanted. She averted her eyes from yours, hesitating a moment before speaking quietly, her head bowed and her gaze fixed on your hand.

You turned your face away. You didn’t realise you were holding your breath until the pain suddenly seemed to fade a little, granting you a bit of rest before the main blow would hit.

“Four soldiers lost in total.” _Here it comes._ “Adrian Valentine.” You heard her sniff, probably to try and hold back the tears that were starting to shake her. “Everard Amos.” You could almost hear it, the soft drum of what seemed like a rain, droplets colliding with the hard wood of the cart. “Fran Posner.” Her voice broke. You knew it would take her every bit of strength she may have left to say the next one. “Anne Talbow.” You barely heard it, Linn’s voice so low and wrecked by her sobs. “Part of the [L/N] unite. All dead in combat. Killed during the Survey Regiment’s 36th expedition.”

You swallowed the lump that was starting to form in your throat – you didn’t have the right to cry or to let your sadness be worse than hers; you didn’t have the right to hold out a hand; to give her a word of comfort; to say that you were sorry. You couldn’t. Not when you were responsible for the pain she felt; not when you were responsible for their deaths.

The only thing you wanted was to finish this off. You wanted the stabbing in your chest to crush you out completely. You didn’t want to move, to see anything ever again, not her face, not the ones of your comrades, not yours. You were panting, trying to hold still as everything started to spin around you once again.

You lifted your eyes a second when a dark horse came to your level. There was a voice. It seemed like it was calling for you. The fabric slowly slipped away from the grasp of your fingers and your eyelids fell on their own. The only thing still fluttering in your mind being the harrowing sound of your own guilt.


	2. First

At some point, the tears that were prickling at the corners of your eyes fell on your cheeks. You gripped the cloak that was laying on your lap with all your might, trying to focus your strength on the piece of clothing instead of the poor lady’s hand.

“Come on. Keep going. As much as you can.”

You tried to fill your lungs with as much air as possible, but it was too hard – it hurt too much. The pain was consuming your entire torso, making you feel nauseous every time your ribcage opened up a little more. You shook your head in defeat, giving up only after a few seconds, and letting go of the nurse’s hand to rub the tears away from your face. 

It had been two weeks since you had been admitted to the infirmary. It was still difficult to move, to simply breathe, but you were getting there. However, the sting in your heart didn’t seem to diminish the slightest. At least, the burn you were feeling during the first days was holding you back from your thoughts; from everything you had lost on that last expedition. But now, it was starting to come back, every time the pain was fading a little, it was only leaving more place to another one that was much more devastating. 

“I can’t.” Your mind kept crumbling to pieces as your body was slowly recovering. 

The nurse smiled softly, stroking your arm as she stood up. “It’s okay. It will be easier if you do it as often as you can. It allows your immune system to be brought back to your lungs. You could get an infection if you don’t do it. It’s really important.”

She stretched out her hands towards your form. You pushed yourself out of the bed leaning on her forearms, groaning when you were fully up, the weight of your own body pressing sorely on your ribcage. “Yeah, yeah, I know.”

Letting go of your hands when you were steady enough, she kneeled down to grab the cloak that had fallen to the ground the moment you got up. “Here, put it on. Wouldn’t want to catch a cold now, huh?”

You hummed, wrapping the cloak around your shoulders, not really knowing why you felt that grateful the medics let you keep it. You’d give it back to their owner once you’d be able to go back to the headquarters, but for now, no one requested it, so you didn’t feel at fault for holding it a bit longer.

The nurse led you to the door. It was always the first steps that were the most difficult. Then, it became easier to handle. Not because it faded, but because you were getting used to the feeling.

It felt like hours had passed before you finally made it to the courtyard. An oddly warm breeze welcomed you once you opened the doorway of the infirmary. Spring didn’t even start to settle in yet, but today, it almost felt like a summer afternoon, somehow clashing with how cold you felt inside. 

Everyone was occupied. Each soldier was chatting, training or strolling on the back of their horse. But they all had that same look in their eyes the moment you laid a foot on the grass.

_Pity_. 

It was unbearable. The way you seemed not to be yourself anymore, holding yourself up thanks to an old lady, limping and whining at every move. Only the cloak you had on your hunched form could suggest that you were still a scout - only if it was yours. You felt naked, vulnerable under everyone’s gaze. You hesitated a moment between kicking anyone who would bat a lash at you and just run and hide in a corner. But you couldn’t run, and you probably wouldn’t have the force to kick the weakest of these guys either.

There was a squeeze on your arm. You turned your face to the woman next to you. She looked at you with a beaming smile, wordlessly encouraging you to keep up the pace. Her face was enlightened by her kindness, and you couldn’t put yourself not to do as you were told. So you bowed your head, averted your eyes from the ones of the other soldiers and kept walking.

You did so for about an hour before sitting yourselves on a bench, silently enjoying the rays of the sun that were warming up your skin. You had taken off the cloak that was now neatly folded on your thighs, and a few droplets of sweat were starting to collect on your hairline. Your eyes were closed, almost giving up to a peaceful slumber before the nurse spoke quietly, “You know, I think you should be able to get back to your room by now.”

You opened your eyes, straightening yourself up suddenly only to be greeted with a burning spasm. You grunted but quickly forgot about it, raising your brows at the lady. “Huh? Really?”

She chuckled softly at your reaction. “Yes, only if you feel like it, of course. But I think you should be alright.”

You didn’t know what to think. You were glad you could finally be able to get your independence back, but at the same time, you deeply feared to step into that building again, where all the memories of your lost comrades were waiting for you, somewhere in a cold dark room. But you feared to see _them_ even more. Linn. Dimitri. The few left of the [L/N] squad along with you now. You had refused to get any visit the whole time you were in the infirmary. You only knew they had been able to come back alive when the doctors told you they had been the ones to bring you here. How could you face them? How could you face their disappointment? You had left them. You had left everyone.

“So?”

Did you feel like it? Physically, meh. Mentally, no. But you also knew you couldn’t stay locked in the room of the infirmary forever. One day or another, you would have to come back; you would have to face what you had done. 

“Okay,” you breathed out slowly.

It was always easier to push the air out rather than taking it in.

 

* * *

 

“Don’t forget your pills, keep up with the breathing exercises and walk as much as you can. No running and no heavy exercising for at least a month.”

You chuckled, “Yes, Mom.”

The nurse handed you a small bag where the little belongings you had were gathered. She walked with you until you were in the courtyard once again. This time, the air was cold, the rays of the sun replaced by the ones of the moon. There wasn’t a soldier to be seen. Not a sound except the wind blowing between the branches of the trees.

“Well, this is where I leave you.” The woman stopped, standing herself in front of you.

“Yeah...Thank you for everything.” Making your way to the headquarters, you waved at her. “See you soon.”

Your eyes widened when she replied, with one of the most sincere tones you had ever heard, “I hope not.”

When you turned your face to her, she was smiling again. As much as you wanted to deny it, your heart warmed up a little at the comforting sight. You smiled back, genuinely, probably for the first time since you were brought to the infirmary, and walked towards the barracks.

Thankfully, you didn’t meet anyone on the way. You had asked the medics to go back to the headquarters at night, after dinner. You didn’t feel like showing up in the mess hall, pretending nothing happened. And you especially didn’t feel like coping with those incredulous looks on you again. You needed some time for yourself first. 

You were finally in front of your room. You reached for the key in your pocket and opened the door as slowly as you could not to wake anyone up. Especially not the two who were living just a few feet away from you. You pushed the door close with your heel before making your way to the bed, letting the small bag you were holding fall on the mattress with a small thud. You lit up the oil lamp on the desk, giving some life back to the room and constating that everything was the same as you remembered before you left for the expedition, everything neat and clear. You slid a finger against the smooth pine of the desk, inspected it and frowned. Not a single particle. Weird. Even if you used to keep your room clean, dust should have settled in two weeks. You brushed the imaginary dirt from your finger along with the thought and finally noticed the small pile of papers standing on top of your desk.

_Of course._

The commander had a key for every room in the building, so it shouldn’t have surprised you he used it to make sure you could keep up with your work once you’d be back. If you had learned one thing during those six years inside the Corps, it was that paperwork never waited. At least, when Shadis was commander you had a lot less of it, but not with Erwin. The man _loved_ formalities.

You sat on the chair in front of the desk, hissing slightly at the still uncomfortable feeling in your chest and grabbed a pen, thinking that at least, this would keep you occupied. When you took the first sheet from the pile, a smaller piece of paper slid on the desk in front of you. The handwriting was somewhat familiar, but you couldn’t put your finger on who it belonged to.

_“Just sign everything.”_

You narrowed your eyes, not sure of what the note meant. You scanned all the documents. All of them. Filled-out. 

_**Filled-out**_.  “What...”

You checked twice, thinking you were hallucinating, but indeed, every document was filled, only left the signature. Erwin would surely not have allowed any of your squad members to take care of all of this for you, and he definitely wouldn’t have done it himself.

Before you could think of anything else, your eyes landed on a report. One specific paragraph caught your attention. Your entire body tensed at the first sentence – the first word. You exactly knew what this was. You wanted to stop reading, but your eyes continued to roam around the words without you could stop it.

_“Everard Amos was eaten alive as he was trying to rescue his comrades, Fran Posner and Anne Talbow, who were encircled by a group of three Abnormals...”_

Your eyes were burning, trying to fight back the tears that so desperately needed to be shed.

_“The rest of the squad, Linn Burchard, Dimitri Beckker and Adrian Valentine withdrew into a nearby forest under the orders of their Squad Leader...”_

Your hands were shaking, barely able to hold the paper between your fingers. Every image you had tried to push away for the last weeks were suddenly invading your mind.

_“The squad has been followed by the group of Abnormals....”_

You didn’t notice you were crying until some tears started to stain the paper.

_“One of them caught the wires of Squad Leader [L/N] when she just entered in three-dimensional manoeuvre.”_

You tried to calm yourself down, breathing in and out slowly even if it hurt, but nothing seemed to work. Nothing seemed to be able to soothe the pain.

_“Second in command, Adrian Valentine, cut the wires Squad Leader [L/N] was being held by and got caught...”_

You swore to yourself you would stand strong over this. You succeeded, you managed to hold on for the last two weeks, but it seemed like some simple words laid on a piece of paper were much more torturing than any one of your thoughts. Because this time, you couldn’t avoid it, you couldn’t push it away.

_“And then killed by the Titan instead. Squad Leader [L/N] fell from about forty-five feet off the...”_

That was when you lost it. You choked on your sobs, coughing and groaning over how excruciating it felt. Your ribs were killing you, but it was nothing compared to the weight of the culpability that just collided with your whole body. The report fell on the ground when you hid your face in your hands, trying to regain some composure, shielding yourself from these memories and from these words. But every time you closed your eyes the only thing you could see was their faces; the only thing you could hear was their screams when you gave up on them. How you had let Everard, Fran, and Anne being eaten right in front of you. How you ran away. How Adrian sacrificed himself to save you. You didn’t deserve to be here. You didn’t deserve their lives. You were meant to protect them, and you failed.

Miserably.


	3. Second

You opened your eyes slowly, lifting your face up from your arms that were crossed on the desk. For a second, you thought you were back in the infirmary – that you would find the white walls of the room, the bed, and the lavender scent of its sheets. But you quickly remembered where you really were thanks to the documents crumpled beneath your elbows, the desk, the pine. Your head was throbbing, your neck stiff and your back aching. You couldn’t recall when you fell asleep, and just guessed that you probably did between two sobs at some point in the night. Which you had to admit, felt particularly ashamed of.

The sun was barely beginning to rise, and the clock above your head indicated half past six. Breakfast was at eight. There shouldn’t be anyone in the mess hall yet. If yesterday you didn’t want to face anyone, it was nothing compared to how repulsive the thought was today. Especially after spending the night crying. You already looked pathetic enough in other people’s eyes, you didn’t need to add anything more to the list with your swollen bloodshot ones.

Pushing yourself up from your chair, you growled rather loudly at the feeling of your sore muscles stretching, bitterly regretting not to have put yourself to bed the night before. You opened the small bag that was still laying on the mattress and got your uniform out. The nurse washed it for you the moment you arrived at the infirmary, but you didn’t wear it since then. You couldn’t find the force to, but now you knew you had no choice if you wanted to blend back with everyone else. You’d rather be invisible than to be pointed at for being the weakling.

You carefully took your loose shirt and trousers off, trying not to move your ribs too much and dressed back into the uniform. You had never stayed that long without wearing it and as strange as it felt at first it was like you were getting a part of yourself back. Over the years, it had become your second skin, something that reminded you what your aim was, why you joined in the first place. However, you weren’t sure if all of this still made sense. You wanted to free the world, to protect everyone, but you were far from even getting close to end the war that started long ago with the Titans, and you weren’t even able to protect the ones closest to you. You used to wear it proudly, but now you were wondering if you deserved any of it all.

Once you were done, you smoothed your jacket with your palms, straightening your back to look as respectable as possible if you ever had the displeasure to meet anyone on your way to the mess hall. But, your so-called proud stance was definitely not impressing. Your ribcage was still flaring and forcing your shoulders to tense no matter how much you told yourself to hold still.

You exited the room in slow steps, heading for the kitchen next to the mess hall. Erwin gave you a key some months ago, so you could go as freely as you wished as long as you didn’t abuse the privilege. You were generally only using it at night, to pour yourself a cup of coffee or have a piece of bread when you had hours of paperwork ahead of you. Now, it seemed of a way greater use than it had ever been.

You opened the door of the kitchen. No one was there yet, everything completely silent. The cooks would be there an hour before serving when it came to breakfast since there wasn’t much preparation needed, which meant you should have a bit less than half an hour just for yourself. That was more than enough. You made yourself a cup of coffee, something you hadn’t done for the last two weeks. It was like you were starting to learn how to live bit by bit again, but somehow every move felt meaningless, dull and empty. You took a piece of bread that was messed with dozens of others in a huge basket, which you knew would be served to the soldiers later on, and exited the kitchen, pushing the door open with your back since your hands were busy holding what will soon be your breakfast, leading yourself right to the mess hall.

The moment you entered the room, you were greeted with a pair of widened grey eyes looking right at you. You halted, blood running cold as if it was the first time you ever encountered another human being. His mouth opened a little as if he was about to say something but he then quickly averted his eyes and focused his attention back on the cup of tea in front of him. That was only when you remembered how rare it was to see him in the mess hall during the expected hours. It suddenly made sense to you. That was predictable from him. You cursed to yourself, wondering how you didn’t realise this before. Not really knowing what to do, you just kept standing there, small and vulnerable. He looked up to you and cocked his head to the side as to mention the sit next to him. You hesitated a moment before executing yourself, sitting at his table, a chair away from him.

“You’re back.”

You jumped a little at the sound of his voice. But you were even more surprised by the tone that it held. It was soft. Extremely soft. You didn’t even know he was able to speak like this – simple words just breathed out in a rush that made the hairs on your arms raise at how it vibrated through your entire body. You shook your head, trying to regain some composure and hummed, taking a sip of your beverage.

You never knew why you always felt so little when you were with him. After all, you had known Levi for about four years now. You were supposed to be the one who should feel superior since you had more than two years of experience in the military than him – without counting your three years of formation – but you always ended up looking up for him.

Like everyone else.

Even more, since you had seen him evolve from the contemptuous thug he was when he first joined to the symbol of peace and courage he had become today. You had grown to respect him, probably more than you respected anyone in the Corps because unlike everyone else, he never planned to be there; he never planned to dedicate his life to Humanity, but he had learned to do it. He had learned to _want_ it; to sacrifice himself for the well-being of others when he could have just kept going with his own life, and for you, that was much more than you could ever hope for of anyone here. As stern and cold as he could be, you knew he wasn’t bad. Far from it, actually.

However, even if you knew he had some respect for you too, you were far from being friends. You would at times have a small conversation over a cup of tea in the library if you happened to be there at the same time or in the corridors when you passed by one another. You always enjoyed these little times. You enjoyed his unapologetic honesty, the way he was making you laugh without even intending to do so and how his expression always softened a little when it happened. But there was nothing more than that. You never had more than insignificant chats. No deep, meaningful or private words were ever shared. You were just two colleagues who would enjoy a bit of time together when you found the opportunity.

“When?”

You tensed again when his voice interrupted your thoughts, taking some time before answering and struggling to put yourself back to the real world. “Last night.”

He hummed before taking another sip of his tea. You could tell he was glancing at you every so often from the corner of his eye as you tried to build some sort of barrier between you two by resting your cheek on your palm, your hair falling loosely over it.

“How are you feeling?”

Maybe it was because Levi had always been completely honest with you that you didn’t feel like lying. But you also knew that even if you did, he would know it. That was probably why you were so desperately trying to hide from his eyes. Because you knew he would see it, if it wasn’t already done.

“Like shit.”

He hummed again, his calmness opposed to how uncomfortable you felt. “It’s a shame for your squad.”

You knew he just wanted to be nice, but you couldn’t help the twinge in your chest thinking that even the great Captain Levi was now seeing you as some pitiful victim. “Yeah...”

He rose himself from his seat, his now empty cup in his hand. When you lifted your eyes to follow his graceful form, you noticed he had stopped in his track, right in front of the door, turning his face ever so slightly over his shoulder when he spoke, “Talk to them, [F/N]. They need you.”

You didn’t even have the time to gather your thoughts that he was already gone, exiting the hall with a loud thud of the door, and leaving you completely alone in the large room. It took you all you had not to start to cry again. It was like you had been brought back to the reality with such force that you would never be able to stand back up again. The articulate reminder of what you had been avoiding for what felt like an eternity now. It hurt but you knew he was right. You had to talk to them. You couldn’t give up on them like you did with the others. They were all you had left now.

So you took a deep breath in despite the burning sensation in your ribs, finished your coffee in silent before putting the bread you finally didn’t feel the courage to eat back in the basket in the kitchen and headed to your room.

When you opened the door, you were only welcomed by the huge mess you had made around your desk. You slammed the door behind you, kneeling down to gather all the documents that had fallen on the ground.

Then you heard two loud thuds on the door and a click, followed by some heavy, sturdy footsteps. 

_One._

_Two._

_Three._

You exactly knew who it was. You didn’t even need to turn around, continuing with your task when you spoke flatly trying to make yourself seem as bothered as you could. Which wasn’t hard. At all. “Good morning, Erwin.”

“Good morning, [F/N].”

“Well, that shorty surely didn’t take his time to spread the news.”

He chuckled. It annoyed you how he always seemed to be amused by the disdain you were throwing at him. “How are you feeling?” _God, not that question again._

“Amazing.”

After all the years you and Erwin had known each other, your relationship was starting to get to a point where you started to wonder if you were even friends anymore. You did at a time, but everything you had managed to build up slowly crumbled to pieces as months and years went by. It was like every human aspect of him had been pushed back somewhere no one seemed to be able to reach the moment he became Commander.

Only duty mattered, and you wanted to believe that he was right, that after all, you were all here for something greater than yourselves. But you couldn’t help the disgruntled feeling you held every time your eyes landed on him. Yes, he was a good leader, you respected him dearly and would probably just throw yourself into a pit if he ordered you to. But that was the problem, he always let people throw themselves into the pit and watched.

“Don’t tell me you’ve come here to tell me something about how ‘too bad’ it is for my squad.”

_One. Two._ You could tell he was just behind, peering at you as you pushed yourself up with a hiss to organise the documents you had in your hands in the pile they were originally in.

“Well, not really.”

“I bet.”

Losses weren’t something to feel sad about with Erwin. No, they were just an inconvenience to the fact that now the mission will be even harder to accomplish.

“So, what do you want to talk about?”

You finally turned around to look at him. He still had that same proud look on his face, that upright stance, completely impenetrable. It wasn’t like with Levi. With Erwin, you felt vulnerable because you never knew what he was thinking, what he was about to do. If Levi was unpredictable, it was a piece of cake to guess what was going on in his mind, compared to Erwin.

“You know what, [F/N]? Let’s go for a walk. I’ve heard it helps with broken ribs.”

Without giving you the opportunity to decide not to since he was already starting to make his way to the corridors, you sighed, closed the door of the room behind you and followed him as he was heading towards the courtyard.

The sun was beginning to rise through the sky, clear and bright as it was the day before but the warm breeze had been somehow replaced by a way colder one. You shivered, regretting not to have brought the cloak with you. You crossed your arms over your chest in a weak attempt to warm yourself up before Erwin finally decided to speak.

“I have a request, [F/N].”

Your eyes were focused on the grass beneath your feet when he turned around so quickly that you almost bumped into him. You lifted your eyes to him, still trying to fake a somewhat annoyed stance when the only thing you could think about now was the chilling along your bones.

“The recruits arrived about three days ago, and I’d like you to take care of their training.”

You narrowed your eyes. “Wasn’t Mark supposed to do it?”

“He died on the last expedition.”

You jumped a little at how abruptly he said it. Of course, your soldiers weren’t the only ones to have lost their lives in combat two weeks ago. You shouldn’t be surprised. There would probably be more and more faces that you will learn you will never get to see again. Mark was a good guy, someone who had dedicated a great number of years to the Corps. He was here even before you or Erwin started your formation. He always refused any promotion, completely devoted himself to the task of training the newcomers. He trained you. He trained Erwin. He trained everyone. You bowed your head, silently hoping that he didn’t suffer much when he died, even if you knew deep down that he probably did. A peaceful death had never really been an option in the Survey Corps.

“You were good at it from what I remember. I’m sure you’ll be alright.”

“Except I was able to run at the time.”

“Don’t worry. You don’t have to get involved in the activities as long as you’re not feeling like it. You could use Linn and Dimitri as assistants to help you out while you recover.”

The lump in your throat was back again when he mentioned their names.

“Our next expedition will only be in six weeks since the last one was a complete disaster. You should be good by then.”

Well, it wasn’t like you had a choice anyway. Maybe this would be a good way to get you back on your feet more quickly. In all the possible ways.

“Fine.”

Erwin’s face lit up slightly, and he tapped your shoulder, visibly satisfied by your answer. “Good. You’ll start tomorrow at ten.”

Suddenly his face became dark and serious, glaring at you when he spoke way too calmly, “I count on you, [F/N]. These young people are our chance to push ourselves back up after what happened two weeks ago. We need them to be as prepared as possible.”

You knew that was a threat, that if you didn’t manage to train them so they could stay alive, he would put in on you. You won’t allow him to do that. You won’t allow yourself to do that. Not anymore.

You straightened yourself and gave a salute as proper as you could manage to despite the throb in your torso. “You can count on me, Sir.”

He relaxed and smiled ever so slightly before making his way back towards the headquarters. You lowered your arms and sighed. Your face lifted up towards the sun, and your eyes closed to let yourself melt into his light, trying to stay as calm as possible when you realised the new pressure that had just been put on your shoulders. Until you snapped, the so familiar voices calling for you.

“Squad Leader!”

You froze.


	4. Third

_“Squad Leader!”_

You froze. 

Every nerve of your body was completely paralysed and goosebumps covered every inch of your skin. Their feet stamped on the ground behind you until they stopped, waiting for you to turn around, to say a word or to just look at them. Still, the only thing you wanted at this moment was to disappear, to collapse right there on that grass, anything so you could escape this moment you had desperately been trying to avoid for the last two weeks. Maybe being eaten by a Titan would have been less painful or at least, it would have been quicker than to wait, breath caught in your throat, scared of what will be the next move.

“[F/N]...”

_Dimitri._

“You’re here.”

_Linn._

They never called you like this, never outside of a closed room, always making sure that no one else could hear it – the fact that you didn’t consider them as your subordinates, but as your comrades, your friends, your family. However, in the sight of everyone else, even if there was barely anyone in the courtyard yet, that was something new. You felt cornered, like a child being told off. If only it could be this; if only the tone of their voices wasn’t filled with such distress. That was what you were the most afraid of. It was worse than anything else.

The fact that you would lose soldiers along the way was something you understood the moment you got promoted. You already knew grief and failure over losing a soldier and each time was agonisingly painful, but what happened on that expedition was different. You wanted to believe that you were used to it, that you would find a way to soothe the pain like you did before, but it was impossible. Because this time, you didn’t lose any soldier by accident or by misfortune. You lost them because of their sacrifices and because of your incompetence.

“Turn around.” You trembled at the sound of Dimitri’s voice and clenched your fists, carving small crescents into your palms – almost bleeding out at how forcefully you tightened them.

If Adrian was your second in command, Dimitri could have easily been the third. They had been part of the first to join your squad, four years ago. They were friends before they even started their formation. You didn’t want to know what it must feel like for Dimitri now. They were pretty much like brothers, supporting each other whenever they faced a downtime; whenever you lost someone along the way. Now he had to face this all alone, just because Adrian decided that your life was somehow more valuable than his. It was the same with Anne and Linn, they were inseparable. Linn lost someone who was dear to her heart because you were unable to save her. As cruel as it sounded, you were somehow glad that Everard and Fran died together, so at least, none of them would have to bear the other’s death.

“Don’t leave us as well...”

Linn’s voice sounded like a whisper, small but still serene, only able to reach your ear because it was carried by the wind. You felt dizzy, both light and heavy, blood rushing and throbbing in your temples. You didn’t even recognise yourself when your mouth opened, your voice completely broken. “I’m sorry...”

You couldn’t see how their eyes widened in shock, how they stepped back when they heard you. In all the years they had known you, that was the first time they ever saw you like this. You always managed to be strong and firm in their eyes, because you couldn’t let your emotions affect your work or your decisions. You had to lead them and they had to trust you blindly, but it was impossible to hold back anymore; to keep those feelings hidden somewhere in the depths of your heart.

“I don’t...I don’t deserve to be your squad leader...I’ll find someone who’s—”

Suddenly, two hands grabbed you by the shoulders and Dimitri was right in front of you, shaking you a little when he snapped, “Don’t you dare say anything like this ever again.”

You shivered, wondering if it was all because of the cold or because of the anger in his voice or just because he was right in front of you, perfectly alive. Linn came closer, reaching for your arm. Warm and alive, too. For all these days you had spent in the infirmary, you almost started to believe that they were dead, that they were just part of the many memories that haunted you. Now and only now, you realised they were still here, that they really did come back. Despite the severity they both held in their eyes, you felt relieved, _almost_ happy.

“We owe you our lives, [F/N].”  Linn was so beautiful. Her blonde hair brushing her shoulders in loose and silky strands, her brown eyes looking right at you, with such humility and respect you couldn’t do anything but stare at them, bewildered, and not understanding how they could be addressed to you.

“But...I haven’t done anything...I’ve let them—” you started, before Dimitri cut you again, his eyes dark and serious, “It’s  _not_ your fault.”

“There was no way to save them that’s why you ordered us to withdraw. So we could have a chance to survive,” Linn murmured, gently stroking your arm. 

They never had to forgive you, because they never held anything against you. They never doubted you, not once, not even now, not even back there. After all, you probably knew, deep down, that the only one whose trust ever quivered was yours, and that the most difficult would be to forgive yourself.

“You guys...Thank you.”

Their hands were gone but when they stepped back, letting you admire them both side by side, smiling shyly, with nothing but tenderness on their faces, they couldn’t look more alive. You scratched your neck, suddenly feeling uncomfortable under their gaze. “Well, I have all this paperwork to do, so...”

“Huh? I thought Captain Levi took care of it,” Linn mumbled, furrowing her brows.

You squinted your eyes, tilting your head to the side. “What do you mean?”

“I caught him going to your office a few days ago. He said he filled everything for you since you’d probably won’t be able to do it all anyway.”

“His squad came to our help right after you fell,” Dimitri specified.

He could have just give it to Dimitri or Linn. They were perfectly able to write down what happened since they were there as well. Furthermore, he was extremely busy himself, he probably had his own work to do, so why did he even bothered to do yours? You were grateful for sure, but you didn’t understand. After the events of this morning, this was hard to believe, he would have said something, but at the same time, it wasn’t like you gave him an opening to. 

“I didn’t know you two were friends,” Linn suddenly implied with a smirk. Why was she even suggesting? She never said anything before, so why now? She didn’t even know about the few conversations you had together.

“We’re not.” That was why this sounded way too odd for you. 

Linn’s grin didn’t fade the slightest when she replied, “He surely considers you as one, though.”

“What about you shut the fuck up for a second, Linn?” You really didn’t want this conversation to go any further. Linn was way too fond of gossips to let her believe that there was something going on between you two.

Dimitri tapped your shoulder and chortled lowly, “Here we go again.”

“Go and have breakfast before you really start to get on my nerves.”

Something warm inside your chest ignited when they started to laugh. It was hard to hold back your own smile, seeing them like this, joyous and innocent. 

They started to walk towards the headquarters. Noticing you weren’t following, Dimitri turned around. “You’re not coming?”

“No, I have things to sort out. I’ll see you at dinner.”

Linn leaned into Dimitri’s ear to mumble something before giggling. You barked, “Quit it, Linn.”

“Whatever,” she sang, waving her hand.

“I think you’re getting a bit too insolent, soldier.”

She turned, saluting you as she kept walking backwards with a huge smile plastered on her face. You rolled your eyes in annoyance as she bounced on her feet, well too satisfied with herself. This time, you couldn’t help but snort as well when Dimitri gave her a small slap on the back of her head, earning a loud growl from her. You watched them from afar until they entered the building, a small smile lingering on your lips.

You wrapped your arms back around your body, trying to warm yourself up, the cold breeze suddenly becoming distinct again. When you lifted your eyes towards the windows of the headquarters, you caught the shadow of someone watching you from one of them. You narrowed your eyes trying to see whoever it might be before they slowly walked off, gone as quickly as they appeared, leaving you to wonder if you really did see it. You shook your head and made your way back to your room. The corridors still silent, barely starting to be filled with the sounds of the soldiers slowly awakening.

When you entered the office, you noticed one of the document was still left beneath the desk. You kneeled down to take it, groaning and at the brink of tears when one of the corners of the chair accidentally met your side. You stood up, your hand unconsciously pressing lightly on the skin, and once the dizziness started to ease, you met the handwriting again, scrawled and small – no more doubting it belonged to Levi. 

The report from last night. Your head was still spinning, somewhere between fear and pain. You hesitated a moment before continuing with your reading, but the need to know what happened after you lose consciousness was above it all.

_“Squad Leader [L/N] fell from about forty-five feet off the ground. The Abnormal that was previously holding her and who killed Adrian Valentine was taken down by Dimitri Beckker and Linn Burchard when the Special Operations Squad arrived after the signal of a purple flare, sent by second in command Valentine before he died. The two remained Titans were suppressed by Gunther Schultz, second in command Eld Jinn and Captain Levi. After getting the order to retreat when another group of Titans eliminated the entirety of the rear of the formation, Squad Leader [L/N] was brought to a cart. No specific incident until the squad entered the Walls. Squad Leader [L/N] was immediately taken in charge by the medical team, diagnosed with a concussion and two broken ribs.”_

It was only thanks to them that you were still alive. If Adrian didn’t send that signal... If Levi didn’t come... _Levi_. It was unlike anyone to respond to a purple flare, and especially unlike him. They were supposed to let the other squads know when one was in particular danger, but generally, especially in such a state of crisis, it was almost impossible for a squad to rescue another. Only if the two were really close, but it still wasn’t the case here. From what you remembered, you had seen him leave to the centre east of the front row when you entered into formation. You were at extreme west. Why did he come then? Maybe his squad moved along when the formation was broken and he happened to be near yours. That was the only explicable reason.

Turning your face, your eyes landed on the cape that was folded on the edge of the bed. Both Linn and Dimitri were wearing theirs in the courtyard. You were almost sure the one you woke up in was one of theirs. If Levi’s squad helped them out after the Titans attacked you, they must have been the ones to bring you to the cart as well. The cloak was probably one of his subordinate’s. You sighed and sat at the desk, trying to find some distraction, you grabbed a pen and signed the report.

 

* * *

“Erwin attributed us a new work.”

You were back in the mess hall. The room was nearly empty, almost everyone, except a few squad leaders, had reached back their respective quarters since curfew time was about to begin. Things turned out a lot better than you expected.

Except for the few glances you were given when you entered the room, no one seemed to be noticing your presence anymore. Everything seemed to slowly get back to normal.

“What is it?” Dimitri asked.

“He wants us to take care of the rookies’ training. You’ll just have to assist me for the time I recover.”

The soup in front of you was still fuming, the steam warm and humid when it caressed your face. You kept stirring the liquid aimlessly with the edge of your spoon, your eyes scanning the room, unconsciously searching for someone who was, expectedly, not there.

“We’re starting tomorrow, at ten. Linn, you’ll come with me. Dimitri, you’ll take her turn next week.”

“Why do I have to be the one who starts off?” Linn asked, noticeably annoyed by your order.

“Because.” You pointed the spoon in her direction. “I think it could do you some good as well.” She raised a brow. “Training.”

She mumbled something before you pushed the plate towards Dimitri. “Finish this up.” You stood up, grimacing when your ribs throbbed. “I’ll see you tomorrow. Linn, don’t be late.” You exited the hall, the sound of the soldiers chatting and laughing echoing through the rooms you passed by. 

Not even bothering to close the door behind you when you arrived in your quarters, you immediately left them again after grabbing the cape that was still on the bed to make your way to the floor under yours. You kept stroking the soft fabric gently, savouring one last time its comforting warmth. As slow as your steps were, you were in front of the door in a couple of minutes. A knot suddenly formed in your stomach. You weren’t used to this, the thanks and the gratitude, you never had to do it before, you never needed to be the one to be helped and even less saved. Now, it was almost like you were back to being a cadet, fragile and nervous, and knowing the help came from Levi was only managing to make things worse. However, as difficult as you knew it would be, you had to do it. No matter the circumstances, he didn’t have to do all of this. You knew it too well because you were at his place more often you wished you would have. So the least you could do was to show him you understood. 

So you closed your eyes, gathering all your courage and knocked on the door. 

You waited for what felt like an eternity, growing more and more nervous and guessing that he wasn’t here, you turned your heels back to the stairs when you heard the click of the door opening behind you. You looked over your shoulder. He was frowning slightly, a questioning look on his face, before he backed up a little, giving you some room to enter. You hesitated a moment before stepping inside but then before you knew it he was closing the door behind you and eyeing you, confused. 

The room smelled like soap, wood, and tea, somehow both fresh and strong. It was comforting. Everything was perfectly in place, no trifles, nothing that didn’t have a purpose in the room, everything useful and tidy.

“Are you just going to stand there?” His voice was right behind you when it rang in your ears. You pivoted and met his eyes, piercing and dead compared to the confusion they had a moment ago. You shook your head, averting your gaze from his. “Sorry I...Linn told me you’ve been the one who took care of my reports, and...I read about what you did back there. I just wanted to thank you.”

You could feel his eyes on you the whole time, not leaving you one second until they fell to the cape you were holding in your arms.

“I guessed it was one of your squad member’s. If you could give them back for me.” You extended it in his direction, but he pressed his lips a little before he sat at the desk, taking a pen between his fingers to fill out some of the papers that were laid there, leaving you in the middle of the room. 

“You can keep it.” 

Your eyes widened.  “Huh?”

“I already got another one anyway and you’ve lost yours when we got back. Keep it.”

Your heart stopped for a second when you started to understand what he was saying. You lowered your head, tangling your fingers through the folds of the green fabric. You almost felt embarrassed, knowing how unconsciously attached you had grown to this cloak; how it made you feel _safe_. You couldn’t decide if you just wanted to get rid of it or if it actually had more meaning now than when you didn’t know it was Levi’s. Most of all, you couldn’t admit the fact that you were more than pleased to be able to keep it with you.

“Thank you...” you whispered. 

Something inside you was telling you to go, that the situation was awkward enough for you to stay any longer, but there was also a part of you that just wanted to stay here, in the warm and comforting atmosphere of the room, with him. Before taking the time to even think about what was the better option, you walked towards the desk and placed the cape on a corner, sitting on the chair in front of Levi. You picked up a pen that was hidden behind the small pile of documents and grabbed one of the sheets.

“What are you doing?”

Your eyes lifted to his face. The light of the oil lamp was catching every one of his features in a warm hue. It was almost as if its flame was directly dancing through his eyes, so reflective and glowing and looking right at you. His skin, his lips, even his hair were radiating with nothing but pure delicacy. Despite his usual borderline dull expression, he looked like someone else and still, it was like it was the first time you were actually seeing _him_. 

You shook your head, pretending to read the report you had in hands to keep your eyes away from him. “I’m helping you.”

He clicked his tongue. “If I’ve done your work it’s not so you could do mine afterwards.” You didn’t reply, starting to fill the paper in front of you. “Go to sleep, I don’t need you to disturb me any more than that.”

As harsh as it may have sounded at first, you quickly understood what the meaning of these words really was. You didn’t realise you were smirking until he said, “What’s so funny?” The smile fading instantly, acting as if you didn’t know what he was talking about, you shrugged, “Nothing.”

“Quit it then and go back to your room.”

You continued with your task, pretending not to hear him. He groaned and mumbled something under his breath before you heard the sound of the pen scratching against the paper again. The smile back where it originally was, you looked at him for a second – a focused and beautiful him – before going on with what you had to do. 

It was like time was flashing by, hours feeling like minutes. Not even your darkest thoughts could distract you from the tranquillity you had at this moment. At some point in the night, Levi went to the kitchen to make yourselves a cup of tea. When he came back, you were sound asleep, your cheek resting on your palm and pen still in hand.


	5. Fourth

You woke up with a start, the loud thumps knocking on the door like they wouldn’t cease. You buried your nose back in the pillow, silky and hot. _Wait_... Opening one eye, half-blinded by the bright rays of the sun, you recognised your room right away. You clearly remembered being in Levi’s office last night though, you couldn’t recall when you came back here. Lifting your body up from the bed, you noticed you were still wearing your uniform. Everything except your jacket that you spotted on the back of the chair. You must have been on the verge of passing out from exhaustion last night when you returned for not even taking your straps off. The banging sounds still not stopping, you walked to open the door and was greeted by Linn, eyes wide and lips tight.

“For fuck sake, finally!”

“What do you want?” you snarled, irritation starting to rush through your veins to be woken up that brusquely.

She looked ready to tackle you when she snapped, “Are you serious right now?”

You scowled before recalling why Linn was even here in the first place. Training. You looked at the clock behind you. Half past ten.

“Fuck.” 

You ran, quickly slipping your jacket on, hissing at every sudden movement, the stinging sensation in your ribs fully awakening.

“You really knocked your head hard last time.”

You scanned the room, looking for any sign of the cape, in vain. You even started to wonder if you ended up giving it back to Levi after all. However, you didn’t have the time to keep searching, cold or not, you would have to do without it.

“Shut it and hurry up.” 

You pushed Linn whose back was leaning on the doorframe and locked the room behind you, trying to walk as fast as you could through the corridors.

“Huh? I’m neither the limping or the oversleeping one here.”

“I swear you’re going to run those laps with those kids today.”

It was enough to make her not say a word until you reached the courtyard. Linn had always been the troublesome type. Whenever you set a foot down outside, she was one of the best soldier you ever encountered, skilled, focused and obedient, but once you were back inside the walls, the concept of the hierarchy was something she tended to forget a bit too often. In reality, you didn’t truly care; it amused you at times. Still, you couldn’t allow it. The last thing you wanted was to be lectured because one of your subordinates was being a little too cheeky.

Your jaw tensed when the icy wind wandered over your skin, penetrating into every fibre of the clothes you had on. Linn eyed you, not failing to notice that you suddenly started to shiver.

“You want to go get your cloak?”

“I’ll be fine,” you muttered, your arms huddled up around your chest.

The moment you first got sight of the small group of soldiers waiting for you in the middle of the courtyard, you shouted, “Why aren’t you running already? Twenty laps. Now.”

Each one of them turned to you, taking a minute to comprehend what you were saying or even who you were, but they quickly complied and started to run once you reached their place, in the middle of the field.

You looked at the blonde next to you, who had a slight gleam in her eyes. “It works for you too.”

The gleam disappeared. “Wait, what? You weren’t kidding in there?”

“Do I look like I’m kidding to you?”

She observed you for a few seconds, trying to find any sign that could tell her that you were. She found none. The corners of your lips lifted a little when she started to run lazily behind the young people, head bowed and shoulders hunched. However, the more you looked at them, the more the amusement melted as you started to wonder if these kids realised what they got themselves into.

You used to be like them at a time, naive and excited to finally be a part of the great mission you were attributed; saving the world. But, after your first expedition, you quickly understood what the fate you were all reserved to really was. Before the fall of Wall Maria, hope was something you were devotedly holding on to, but with each expedition, it became fainter and fainter. Now, even the fine thread that was remained started to fray. You wanted to believe that maybe one day you’d be able to get your freedom and your lives back, although you highly doubted that you’d be here to see it or if anyone here would be able to at all. You had already managed to stay alive for six years, one of the few miracles in the regiment, but at what cost?

The people in front of you were probably going to die, right in the hands of Titans, just like the ones you used to know did. It seemed like no matter how small, or big the step towards your goal was; you always had to take the double back. This war was far from coming to an end, and you seriously wondered if it would ever be, or at least, not in the way you wished it would. No matter how young or old they all were, they had to accept to live with death being a constant part of their lives. That was how it was when you lived in this world, and especially once you joined the Corps.

You sighed, trying to focus on the fluttering grass around your feet until the cadets all stopped in front of you, tongue out and sweating. You waited for Linn to come to your level, who had her hands on her hips as she tried to catch her breath and almost fell to her knees when she finally stood next to you. Running was definitely not her forte.

“Okay, so now that we’ve been properly introduced, I’m Squad Leader [L/N]. That panting mess over here is soldier Linn Burchard, part of my unit. She’ll assist me for a week since I’m barely able to put one foot in front of the other for now.”

A tall brown-haired guy raised his hand. “Can I ask what happened, Sir?”

You rolled your eyes. Rookies. Always too curious.

“I fell from a titan’s height.”

They gasped. Some even started to murmur small words to the ones next to them, failingly trying to hide by putting their hand in front of their mouth. Your nails dug into your jacket.

Even if they couldn’t know what happened, you couldn’t help the sudden anger spreading throughout your entire body. Your comrades were cruelly killed and these kids were here all appalled because you had some broken ribs. You were still alive. Your friends weren’t.

“Trust me, that’d be nothing compared to what I’m about to do to you if you don’t shut it now.”

Silence. 

So docile and scared. In a way, you wished they could stay like this forever, afraid of what a poor wounded officer could do to them if they didn’t stop talking, instead of enduring the fear that was holding you; that was holding every veteran once you knew what it was really like outside.

“Good. Now get your gears. We’re starting with speed.”

 

* * *

 

“Are you feeling any better?”

You hummed and looked up to Linn who was on a branch, her arms stretched over her head, trying to catch hold of one of the small red flags in the foliage of the tree.

You had let Linn nearly do all the work today, acting as a kind of punishment for her insubordination, but also because the giddiness struck you back not long after the cadets were equipped. It had been a few days since you had one of these, and you surely didn’t miss it one bit. It was almost impossible for you to focus on anything but the nauseously painful throb in your temples – the hissing and clanging sounds of the gears just managing to aggravate your state. Afraid you’d throw up in the middle of the grass if you would have taken a move, you spent the last two hours leaned against a tree, not even finding the force to look at the working cadets around you. Linn proposed to escort you to your room, but you didn’t want to feel any more useless by going back to your office like an old woman who wasn't even able to stay up for a couple of hours. So you gritted your teeth and waited for time to pass.

“Good. Because I’m not doing this ever again.”

You chuckled. “I’m sure you liked it deep down.”

The flag finally in hand, Linn turned to you, still perched on her branch and fakely lamenting, “You’re right, I  _loved_ it. Too bad I’m only doing this for a week.”

“If you want I can ask Erwin to give you my place.”

She looked down at you, parting her lips to reply before her eyes suddenly grew larger, limbs completely rigid, the flag almost slipping off her fingers. You raised a brow, ready to ask her what was wrong when a feminine voice exclaimed, “Sir, I just grabbed the last flags.” 

You turned, gulping the moment you saw the small woman.

_Anne_.

Except for the height, she looked exactly like _her_ , from the brightness of her eyes to the colour of her hair. She even had that same expression on her face, both apprehensive and confident, a combination you didn’t even know was possible until you met _her_.

Linn was probably too distracted by her own fatigue, and you were probably too woozy yourself to even notice that cadet, but now, it was impossible to ignore her presence despite the twist in your stomach, which just became more painful by second the longer you kept your eyes on the girl.

She handed you the flags, a slight smile on her lips. “This way it’ll be quicker for Soldier Burchard.”

You took them hesitantly, your hands trembling, almost scared to touch her own in the process, thinking she might just evaporate, as if she was nothing but a pure illusion.

“Am I dismissed, Sir?”

It was becoming unbearable to see how she patiently waited for your answer, her arms on her sides, perfectly straight and polite, just like _her_.

“Yes...” you managed to breathe out. 

She immediately gave you a firm salute before turning her heels to the headquarters.

Linn landed on your right with a small thud, unusually close to you.

Deep down, you knew. It wasn’t _her_. She could never be _her_ , but there was something inside of you that was screaming, asking for an answer. You needed to know. You needed to make sure. So without thinking, and before she could be out of reach, you called, “What’s your name?” 

Something trembled against your arm.

Your shoulders fell, but you couldn’t tell if it was in relief or disappointment when she turned around, holding another salute and announced, “Petra Ral, Sir.”

Giving her a small nod, that she took as an indication that she was now ready to go, you watched her, slowly and resolutely carrying on her way towards the building.

“She looks just like her...”

Everything started to whirl around you once again. With those small five words, Linn gave you access to all the pain, all the despair she had, just like you, been trying to push back. It was probably only at this instant that she realised her friend was gone, and that most of all, she would never come back. You couldn’t put yourself to look at her face, too afraid to know what you could find there.

Your hand moved to her arm, trying to put all the apologies you would never be able to say out loud – because there was too much to say – into this one tiny gesture. As small as it was, the only thing you hoped for was that it would somehow help to ease her torment, even if you knew it couldn’t.

“I’m okay.”

She wasn’t. How could she? She could have been anything at this moment but ‘okay’.

You couldn’t find the force to hold your hand in place anymore. So your fingers slipped on the leather of her jacket and fell limply to your sides.

She sighed, straightening herself up before speaking way too cheerily, “Let’s go eat. It’s time.”

The mere thought of having any food meeting your palate only managed to make you feel sicker than you already were. You even doubted you would be able to hold your fork anyway.

“Go without me. I’m going to rest for a bit.”

She kneeled down, grabbing the flags that fell from your fingers at some point. You saw her making her way to the tree next to you, probably to put them back into the big cotton bag that was hanging on it.

“Linn...”

Your legs trembled beneath you. Breathing in deeply, ignoring the stab in your torso, your mouth spoke on its own, without you could even register what you were saying, forgetting it almost instantly.

“If you don’t want to do it, I won’t force you.”

You started to walk, not even expecting or waiting for a response. With every step you were taking, you were wondering if that would be the one where your knees would give you up, wishing that you would at least be able to reach your room before it happens, you advanced as quickly as possible. You were so out of it that the trip to your room seemed like it only took seconds. You let yourself fall on the edge of the bed, trying to breathe in and out calmly to regain yourself, but the pain in your ribs was keeping you on the brink of losing the little consciousness you still had every time you were doing it. You buried your face in your palms, as everything slowly started to vanish around you.

Everything, except that one hand that suddenly fell on your shoulder. Someone spoke, but you couldn’t understand what they were saying. You moved a little as if someone was shaking you, trying to get you out from your slumber. Your hands fell, but your head was still cradled. The ones that were now holding you were warm, soft, grabbing the roots of your hair to keep your face up. Still, there was nothing rough, nothing harsh. For a second, you wished you could never feel anything but those hands, as if nothing mattered as long as they kept touching you; that nothing could happen as long as their fingers were able to hold you up. Yet, they slowly started to fade away as well. Before you could even think of opening your eyes,  _everything_ disappeared.


	6. Fifth

A drop ran along your temple, cool and soothing, and calming the uncomfortable heat in your forehead. Something fibrous and damp was patting your face with a gentle pressure. When your eyes fluttered open, trying to adjust to the light in the room, the first thing you saw was the white and blue emblem embroidered on a camel coloured jacket. The drop fell somewhere in your hair. The patting stopped. The cloth lifted off from your cheekbone. You lifted your face up. _Levi_.

A lump formed in your throat. Despite your bleary sight, you couldn’t ignore the glare he was throwing at you, his lips pressed together, his body still when you lost yourself in the intensity of his eyes. It felt like minutes kept passing by, with you two just staring at each other, trying to figure out what the other was thinking.

Then suddenly, he rose himself up, turning his back to you, flinging the small towel he was holding in a bowl on the desk, making trickles of water splash on the pine. You shuddered. He was upset, but you couldn’t get why, and you could even less get why he was here, in your office. You remembered the training and Petra, but after you had left Linn in the courtyard, it was all a blur.

You tried to lift your body, the mattress creaking under your elbows. But the moment your head moved from the pillow, a flash of dizziness spread over your body and Levi jerked around, one of his hand pinning you back to the bed. Your eyes widened. He was close, glowering at you like you had just tried to do the most stupid thing in the world. His frown only grew deeper as you kept your eyes locked on his, somehow mesmerised at how they could be so alive. Reluctantly, you turned your face away from him, looking at the wall next to you instead. As much as you wanted to keep your eyes on him, his presence was invading, and all you were thinking about was to get away from him in any way you were able to.

He clicked his tongue, pushing you deeper into the cushion when his hand finally left your shoulder brutally. You had seen many of his outbursts before, but he never acted this way towards you, and you couldn’t understand why it was happening now. You heard him sigh, exasperatedly.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?”

You closed your eyes, hoping that when you would open them again, he would be gone – the tension filling the room making your stomach churn and your heart hammer painfully hard in your chest. You already felt small enough, especially recalling the events from earlier. You didn’t need him here, shouting at you, his words echoing as if they were a part of your mind and only reminding you how much you had disappointed everyone, even him.

His hands were on you the next second, his thumbs under your jaw, forcing your face to meet his. His hands. So soft and warm despite the coldness of his stare. If it probably was the first time his fingers ever laid directly on your skin, you hoped that now they could never leave you. It took you all you had not to just close your eyes again and wander over the feeling of this simple touch. You felt safe. If Levi just wanted to keep meaninglessly snapping at you, so be it, as long as his hands stayed on you.

“I guess I was wrong.” His eyes, roaming over your face, looked like they were searching for something he was apparently not able to find.  “You’re just a pathetic brat.”

He looked down to you, with nothing but scorn wrapped over his features. The tears were starting to burn beneath your eyelids, but they were also too dry to be shed. His face, the exhaustion, your memories, only made the muscles of your throat tighten, almost chokingly, as if even your body couldn’t take it anymore. It only was when his touch left you, as he lifted himself back up, that you grasped what he was saying. Suddenly, you came out of your trance and your whole body straightened and you pushed yourself to the edge of the bed, your head spinning, not with nausea or pain, but with the anger that just started to boil inside of you.

“Get out.”

He didn’t listen. “I just came to bring you the cloak you forgot in my room, and here I found you, all lost and shit.”

Your eyes shifted to the desk behind him. The green cape was placed on it. So that was why he was here. He just happened to be here at the wrong moment, and of course, it just had to be now. You clenched your fists, your fingers pulling at the bed sheets.

“Good, that’s done now get the fuck out.”

His body didn’t move, indicating you that he wasn’t even considering your request.

“Almost your whole squad died, and you keep on pitying yourself. You’re not even able to stay up for five fucking minutes.”

His words stung in your heart – accusing you of being everything you despised, everything you tried your best not to be since you came back. But what was making it unbearable, was that, deep down, you knew he was right.

You flinched, turning your face away from him, hiding the shame written all over your face behind your hair. Before you could start to think of anything to reply, Levi grabbed the collar of your jacket, forcing your eyes on him again.  “You want to die, [F/N]?”

Your eyes widened. “What...No, I...”

He brought you closer. His breath fanned over your skin. It smelled like tea. You could almost taste the savour of the black leaves on your lips. It was delicious, captivating, almost distracting you from the fierceness of his stare when he spoke, “You want to die, that’s it? Because you’re not able to hold the burden of your dead soldiers? Is that fucking it?”

For a second, you wondered if he was really here; if _you_ were really here; if it was him who was just a part of your mind, or you who was just an illusion. Maybe you wished you did. Maybe you wished it would have been you instead of them. But it was too late now, and it wasn’t like you were alone in this. Linn, Dimitri. They were suffering as much as you did. You didn’t have the right to leave them.

You breathed out, “No.”

His eyes softened, just a little, but his voice was still firm. “Then stop it. Now.” He let go of your jacket. “Stay on the bed. I’m bringing you something to eat. You look like shit.”

Within seconds, he was gone, the loud bang of the door closing behind him just like in the mess hall, leaving you utterly alone. Levi’s rage was still enveloping the air in the room, intact despite the fact that he had left. You rubbed your temples and sighed heavily, trying to calm the throb forming above your brows. You wanted him to leave, but now, you felt more lonely than ever.

Levi cared about the lives and well-being of his comrades, even if he communicated it in his own way. You learned to know about it by catching all the little hints he was strewing, without even realising it. As enigmatic as he may think he was, once you paid attention, he was actually quite easy to read.

Your eyes moved to the small open bag at your feet. The bag the nurse gave you when you left the infirmary. The one where your medications were, untouched. You frowned. Did he see it? Was it why he was that mad? It was only now that you realised that since you got back from the expedition, you hadn’t done anything to get better, you just kept avoiding all the pain, whether it was physically or psychologically. And whenever it showed back up, it only hit harder each time. He noticed it, even before you, and you couldn’t know how, but he did. And the thought of having you soundlessly whining around when you were still alive was probably revolting him. A wave of culpability flood over you, suddenly regretting to have talked to him the way you did, when all he was trying to do was to take care of you.

What you had mistaken for anger was worry – or a mix of both at least. He was worried. About you. Levi. You never did anything for him, not even when his friends died four years ago, you didn’t say a word, you didn’t even mentioned a  ‘sorry’ or helped him in a way or another like he did with you. He didn’t owe you anything, so why? You couldn’t understand a thing, and you could have sworn you weren’t worthy of it all.

The door opened, quietly this time. Levi’s expression was blank now, impossible for you to know what was going on in his mind at this moment.

He had a tray in his hands. Steaming potatoes and bread laid on it, with a glass of water. He approached you with slow steps, putting the plate on your lap carefully and sat back on the chair he had moved from the desk in front of you. He crossed his arms and legs, eyeing you intently.

You raised a brow. “Are you just going to watch me?” 

He didn’t reply, his stare not diminishing the slightest. You sighed and cut a piece of the bread with your fingers, bringing it to your mouth, chewing slowly, trying to restrain the crinkles of your nose to form at the queasy feeling when the rough, dry crust met your tongue. 

“When is the last time you ate something seriously?”

You kept your eyes on the tray placed on your thighs, taking another piece of the bread and trying to give it all your attention instead of giving it to the man in front of you, who was still stiffly glaring at you.

“I’m talking to you, [F/N].”

You were defenceless. But not scared. You knew he wouldn’t hurt you except if you were really looking for it. What you feared was that you knew he could see all the little things hidden in the depths of your mind without you could even know they existed, just by looking at you. You couldn’t avoid it; you couldn’t put on your brave face with him.

“I don’t know...About two days I think.”

He muttered something under his breath, something with the word ‘stupid’ in it. You kept eating, ignoring him as best as you could. He didn’t make a sound for the time you finished. You ate the two potatoes, but finishing the bread was out of thought. You looked at it, somehow hoping it could just disappear if you kept staring at it desperately. You knew that if that thing met your palate again, you would likely throw up on Levi’s boots right away. And if you did, being afraid of what he might do to you wouldn’t be an option anymore. You lifted your eyes to him – his still locked on you – pleading wordlessly for mercy.

He kept looking at you for a moment, and when you started to accept the fact that you were probably about to die in this room, he sighed and stood up from the chair. His hair tickled your forehead when he lowered himself to take the tray from your lap, soft and sleek against your skin. He placed the rest of the food on the edge of the desk while handing you the glass of water. You took the drink, your hand trembling a little, dizziness still floating over your body. He grabbed the bag on the ground and took two pills out of the small jar in his palm, stretching them towards you. You took them carefully, bringing them to your mouth before Levi caught your wrist, his voice dangerously low, warning. “Don’t try to fool me.”

You gave him a small nod. You were not in the mood to fight any more than you already had. So you swallowed the painkillers with a bit of water once he released you. The cold liquid running along your throat, welcomed, a groan almost leaving you, like you had spent years without tasting it. As he just read your thoughts, Levi pushed the bottom of the glass with one of his fingers towards you, encouraging you to take a few more sips. The glass almost empty, he placed it with the rest of bread on the desk.

“Are you feeling better?”

You nodded again. Indeed, you felt a lot better. Your head was still throbbing and your eyes heavy with sleep, but you felt relaxed, almost in a peaceful mindset.

“Have some sleep for now. I’ll be back in a few hours.”

You hummed despite your disappointment when he made his way to the door, suddenly nervous to be left alone again. If you wanted him to leave when he was shouting at you, now you hoped he could just stay, at least for a bit longer. 

His hand was on the doorknob when you bent to take off your boots, lightning shooting across your bones the moment you touched the heel, hissing soundly through the room. Levi looked over his shoulder, catching a glimpse of your grimacing face. 

“Tch.”

It only took him a second to be kneeling down in front of you, lifting one of your legs to slip off the boot, then repeat the process on the other side. Swift and precise, his hands moved to your thighs, unbuckling the straps while you took your jacket off once the shock faded. 

You began to push yourself up to slip off the remaining parts of the harness, your hands weak and trembling. Levi noticed it and suddenly, his arm encircled your lower back, as not to risk to crush your ribs in the process, lifting you up just enough so he could slip off the leather bits from your hips. Air caught somewhere into your throat, your heart started to race again. His muscles, steel beneath his clothes were against you for only a brief moment, but it was enough for you to carve his scent, his feeling, somewhere in your memory. 

Your hands fell on his chest. Your eyes opened wide, surprised to feel his heart beating strongly and quickly beneath your fingers. Yours slowed down, the faintest shadow of a smile meeting your lips when you realised that even being who he was, he kept being like everyone else, uncomfortable and weak under another people’s touch.

His arm left your back as he put you back down on the bed. His face was still unreadable – impossible to tell what was going on inside of him if you wouldn’t have felt it seconds before. The tips of his fingers, gingerly grazing your skin only made your body shake a little more when he kneeled down again, taking all the parts of the uniform off to finally place them on the back of the chair with your jacket.

You started to lay down, carefully, facing the wall on your unscathed side, groaning a little when the pressure travelled to your broken ribs. Your body somehow both tense and relax, relieved not to have to be under Levi’s touch anymore but also already missing it. His footsteps filled the room, quiet and slow. 

“Levi...”

The small thuds stopped and the only thing you prayed for in this moment was that if he was able to read you that clearly, he would understand the words you were about to say had a deeper meaning than they ever had before; that you probably never said them that heartedly.

“Thank you.”

You took a deep breath in, but this time, it didn’t hurt as much.


	7. Sixth

Every time you exhaled, your breath would leave a light fog on the glass, blurring your vision from what was going on under the midnight sky. Its coldness, piercing your temple would hush its ache as you let your head loosely rest on the window. You closed your eyes for a second, allowing you some rest as you tried to focus on the scratching sound coming from behind you. As peaceful and calm the night was, the voices coming from the courtyard were deafeningly loud, no matter how small or far they were. A shiver ran along your spine, and you held the cloak tighter around your body, letting its silky warmth absorb you. When you opened your eyes again, she was still here, smiling and laughing at the redhead in front of her.

Linn never came back to training since the incident with Petra a month ago. But you would often catch glimpses of the two spending some time together, especially past curfew time, poorly hidden somewhere in the castle or the courtyard. Just like she used to do with Anne.

During the first two weeks, you would at times ask Dimitri about her after training. He would say that she was alright; that she just needed some time. But seeing her like this, all happy in the company of her new friend, only made you believe that she ended up holding Anne’s death against you after all. And you couldn’t blame her.

What you feared the most though, was the time when she would realise that everything she was looking for in Petra didn’t exist.

As days kept passing by – getting to know Petra – the fact that her and Anne actually barely had anything in common was becoming inevitable. In the beginning, you too were, more or less unconsciously, seeking for any little thing that could remind you of your former subordinate. But Petra wasn’t like Anne, and Anne wasn’t like Petra. As much as it stung at first, you had to accept it. She would never come back, neither in Petra, neither in anyone else. Like Fran, Everard and Adrian wouldn’t. When Linn would understand that, you knew it would be devastating.

“You’re going to catch a cold if you stay there.”

Levi’s voice rang in your ears like that warm breeze on that winter day during your walk with the nurse, odd but also so relishing. You turned around, observing him, as always, focused on the document in front of him, the light of the lamp hugging his features in an almost surreal way.

Taking your eyes off him was always the hardest part, putting them was almost natural, instinctive. No matter how much your mind would tell you to stop, your body couldn’t respond to the demand. Maybe it was the same for Linn. Maybe she couldn’t help looking for all those little things in Petra as much as you were helpless to keep your eyes away from Levi.

“You’re lucky you haven’t already. Walking around without your cloak when it’s freezing like a fucking idiot.”

_Your_ cloak. Your fists clenched around the fabric a bit tighter, a smile lifting the corners of your lips as you moved to the chair in front of him.  If Levi kept referring it as yours, for you, it would never be. It will always be _his_ , and it was what made it so precious.

“Yeah, they say I have Humanity’s Strongest Lungs.”

He clicked his tongue, the pen scraping a little harder against the paper.

“Please, don’t be jealous,” you scoffed.

Levi kept acting as if you weren’t in the room, as he always did. Pretending you weren’t here, your head on your folded arms with your eyes fixed on his flex hand, somehow fascinated by every one of its movements.

For the past weeks, he came every day after training, watching after you like you were his newborn. He would let you sleep for a few hours before checking on you again not long before dinner, which you would spend with Dimitri. And as a way to keep your mind sane, because you could never find Linn there, you would knock on Levi’s door, help him with his work, or bring yours to do, or just observe him for the rest of the night until one of you would fall asleep – until _you_ would fall asleep. 

The first times where you forced yourself into his office, he commanded you to go back to sleep, insulted you until you might give up on the idea. But when he realised that none of his words would be enough to make you change your mind, he slowly started to let you in without so much of objections.

He became the cure to all your torment, without doing any more than being here, easing the pain whenever your eyes landed on him, delivering you from everything else. Maybe it was why it was so hard to take them off. Every time you did, you felt like you were about to drown, submerged and if you let the wave hit you, you would most likely never be able to reach the surface back. So you kept coming here, night after night, letting your mind float over the sensation of his very presence.

“[F/N].”

Noticing his hand just stopped moving, your shoulder tensed a little. As much as he wanted to pretend you were some type of nuisance, he always was the one to start a conversation.

Your eyes lifted to his face, your breath hitching in your throat when you met his blue ones. It was always at night, in the incandescence of the light that they suddenly came to life. During the day, they looked grey, cold and grim. But here, inside the walls of his office, they were one of the richest blues you had ever seen.

“Why do you keep coming here?”

In the entire month you spent with him, it was the first time he ever questioned it. And now, you were taken aback, not sure of what you should answer. 

After all, you didn’t need him anymore, at least that was what he must be thinking. If he kept coming to your office, it was more because it had become a habit than anything else, not because he still had to take care of you. You recovered almost entirely. The throb in your ribs finally came to a stop, and the ones in your head were becoming rarer and rarer. You were able to keep up with the training, even to participate, despite that using your gear was way more tiring and riding a horse way more of a pain in the ass – literally. Levi stopped cursing about how the medics could have let you out when you were such in a ‘shitty state’ like in the first week because you weren’t in a shitty state anymore. You were good. Physically, at least. But who knew what might happen if you lost the little thing that was keeping you from crumbling again. That little thing being Levi.

“Your constipated face amuses me,” you replied, flatly, lifting up from the chair to face the window again.

“That was weak.”

“I know. But it was the only thing I could think of.”

You heard the pen thudding lightly against the desk and the creak of the chair being pushed.

“Have you found something else now?”

If you turned around just now, you were sure you would find him standing right behind you. Your voice shook a little, your jaw clenching. It was suddenly becoming hard to think, to restrain yourself from jerking around and look at his face to see what could possibly be laid there at this moment.

“Not yet.”

“Tell the truth then.”

You couldn’t even notice Linn and Petra anymore – his proximity being the only thing remained. He wouldn’t leave you until you would say what he wanted to hear. You were trapped, there was no way to run away from this, and putting words to your feelings wasn’t something you knew well how to do. But so did he.

Letting the words escape in what was almost just a rush of air, you whispered, “Because I feel safe...”

The loud beats of your heart pulsated hardly in your ears. You waited for his answer, which seemed like would never come. You gulped, ready to run out of the room before he finally murmured, “From what?”

Your eyes lifted to meet his reflection in the window. One single step would only be what he would need to brush your back. His eyes remained somewhere on your neck, examining every single flinch of your muscles. It was getting more and more suffocating. Why did he have to force you out like this? He already knew what you were about to say. He always did.

“I just don’t want to be alone.”

He sighed as if he was somewhat annoyed, and moved next to you, his arms crossed over his chest. Your eyes fell on Linn and Petra walking back towards the entrance of the building.

“If you keep avoiding it, it’s never going to get better.”

The two girls disappeared, and you knew at this moment that Levi wasn’t only talking about your fear of loneliness here. You couldn’t stay like this, observing Linn from afar as she was getting more and more out of reach.

“Yeah...You’re right.”

 

* * *

“I’m done with my side, Sir.”

She landed in front of you as you placed the controls back in their case with the rest of your gear. “Thank you, Petra. You can go to lunch now.”

Normally, she would give you a salute and instantly make her way towards the mess hall. But now, she was perfectly still, her feet buried deep in the grass. No salute and no walking back. Her face was grave, worried.

You squinted, standing up, the heavy case in hand. “What is it?”

Her fingers tightened their grip on the remotes, eyes lost in the gap between you two.

“Are you...Are you worried about the upcoming expedition?” her voice trembled.

“You are, apparently.” You turned around, followed by Petra’s footsteps hurriedly thumping behind you.

It was only normal for her to dread this moment. The expedition was approaching way too quickly. If you were apprehensive, at least you were used to it. But the initial one was always the worst. The memories of your first steps outside the confine of the Walls was still vividly steeped in your mind. The moment you got sight of a titan, the sound of the cracking bones of your comrades under its hold. It was nothing like what you had read in books. There were no pages to be turned there, no way to close it when it was getting overwhelming. Once you saw what would be waiting for you, there couldn’t be any coming back. None of you really had a chance to survive. You were all only relying on the matter of luck.  You had seen countless of skilled soldiers die before. Competences didn’t matter once you were outside. They could only postpone the fatal hour. In the end, everyone ended up being chewed up. 

But how could you say that to her? How could you crush her hopes right in your palms? How could you tell her that her three years of formation were close to being pointless? That she will be mercilessly killed at some point, like everyone else?

Once you entered the building, you turned to her, trying to put as much conviction into your words as possible. “Petra. You’re a good soldier. Probably one of the best out of the rookies. If you stay focused and confident, everything will be alright.”

It wasn’t all a lie. Petra was talented, a bit clumsy when she was on the ground, but once her blades were out, you had to admit she was impressive. Maybe she wouldn’t die on her first expedition. _Maybe._

Petra’s face brightened. You gritted your teeth, not sure if you were glad you managed to make her feel a bit better, or if you were disgusted by the amount of hypocrisy coming out of your mouth.

“Thank you, Sir. Thank you very much.”

Disgusted. You felt disgusted. She was well too happy now, so much it was sickening. You turned your heels to the stairs, not feeling like waiting for Petra to say anything else, or to give you one of these so irritating salutes, leaving her at the door of the mess hall. 

You hated salutes. They were a waste of time. But cadets, somehow, they loved it. That was probably the only valuable perk – along with the extra food – of being promoted to squad leader. No more salutes to give every time your eyes met a superior’s – or way less anyway. What you didn’t expect though, was that receiving them was as exhausting.

Your hand was on the doorknob, and your heart stopped for a second, suddenly afraid you may not find Levi there. After your discussion from last night, what if he ended up taking the decision to leave for you two? You inhaled deeply. The door was unlocked, and all your worries washed off the moment you saw him sat on the edge of your bed. But there was no tray of food today. You frowned as he stood up, his expression blank. 

“Put your gear down. Erwin wants to see us.”

Maybe waiting for Petra to give you that salute wouldn’t have been such a bad thing after all.


	8. Seventh

Your eyes snapped open wide the moment something kicked your foot under the table, waking you up from your half-slumber state, as you met a frowning Levi right in front of you.

Erwin had been going on with one of his pre-expedition speeches for what felt like hours now, causing a memorable number of yawns and slow blinks from your part. You could even feel Mike loosening up next to you, and Hange’s cheek getting sore beneath her palm. Fortunately for all of you, Erwin was facing the window, well too absorbed by his own oratory skills to notice your lack of responsiveness.

Every two weeks preceding an expedition, he would summon every squad leader in his office as a way to inform you what the plan of the mission would consist in. If the idea wasn’t that bad in itself, these types of meetings were starting to get slightly over repetitive – especially once you endured them for three years.

From the small bits you managed to hear today, the previous expedition was mentioned, something about squads and duty and humanity. Nothing new. Nothing thrilling. The only innovation being when the subject of the newbies was broached. At least, Erwin always attempted to remain positive, trying to bring some hope back when everyone felt like there wasn’t any left. He would always seek for the good things you provided and encourage you to keep going this way, but the man talked. _Talked._

“...Show them joining the Corps was the best choice they could have made,” he finished, turning around as you all straightened up, probably a bit too abruptly to go unnoticed, giving him an approving reflex nod.

“Good. Get back to your occupations, then.”

Everyone stood up from their seats, but before you could reach the door, Erwin spoke, blandly, “[F/N], I’d like to talk to you.”

You instantly stopped in your track, blood running cold and eyes narrowing. Did he notice you were zoning out? If so, you weren’t the only one there, you shouldn’t be alone being scolded, and it wasn’t like he even cared. He was presumably aware himself that these meetings were a pain for all of you, and you suspected it was even for him.

Levi whispered, brushing past you before he closed the door behind Hange and Mike, “I’ll wait for you outside.”

You nodded, turning around to Erwin once you were left alone. 

“How are you feeling, [F/N]?”

Crossing your arms as you leaned against the door, you sighed, “Much better, I have to say.”

His eyes were on you, placid. “How is training going? Do you think our new recruits will be ready in two weeks?”

It all had the same tone, casual, aimless. This wasn’t what he wanted to talk about. Why couldn’t he just get to the point? You couldn’t tell if it was to step your annoyance up or if it was to put you at ease. If the latter, this conversation would probably soon take a turn you already expected. One you wouldn’t enjoy.

“Yes. A few of them are pretty competent already. They’ll be alright.”

There wasn’t place for uncertainty with Erwin. You had to stay clear, convinced. If you wanted to earn his trust, being unwavering was the key. The day you started to believe in your own strengths was the day where you gained his respect. The road was long and stumbling but once you managed to get through the end, it became irrevocable.

His expression softened and his eyes shone a little; he was satisfied. “I’m not surprised. You’ve trained some of our best soldiers, after all.”

You scoffed, “Yeah. Who knows why I even accepted to be promoted. I was too good.”

Before your elevation to the rank of squad leader three years ago, you were assigned to training as a team leader and tutored two promotions of newcomers. A few of them were now part of some of the most prestigious squads in the Corps, including Mike’s, whom almost all subordinates were trained by you at the time. You enjoyed the job, for sure, which was why you didn’t hesitate much before accepting it when Erwin proposed it back to you weeks ago, despite the fact you weren’t a team leader anymore and therefore, it was no longer your responsibility to handle it. However, when the opportunity of becoming a squad leader knocked, you couldn’t find enough humility to deny the offer – like Mark did so many times.

Erwin smiled, but before he could add anything else, you decided to put an end to his beloved acts of politeness, impatient and slightly irritated. “What did you want to tell me?”

His face darkened, serious again as he sat in his chair. “Yes...” He folded his hands in front of him, back to being the commander, strong and powerful, he was. “I want you to integrate one of the cadets in your squad for the next expedition.”

Your eyes widened, and you barked, “Along the relay teams? Look, Erwin, I already accepted being lowered back to training, I won’t—”

He cut you, unperturbed, “No, in your usual row.”

Rookies were always part of the relay teams during their first expeditions. Only elite soldiers were able to get in front line, which goes without saying since it was one of the most dangerous places to be in. You were directly exposed to Titans there, being the ones in charge to warn the following squads of any potential danger that may occur – and to eliminate it. A rookie. In the front row. On their first expedition. That was a sacrifice.

“And you won’t have to deal with training anymore, I found a replacement.”

You ignored the last comment, too bewildered to even worry about it. Erwin always tried to protect as many lives as possible, that was what his strategy consisted in. The point was to avoid Titans, so the most people could survive. But this, none of it made sense.

“Are you out of your mind?”

“I understand your worries, but—”

Now you caught it. He was testing you. After what happened on the last expedition, his trust in you had been compromised, and he needed to make sure you were still able to lead. This time, you were the one to cut him, your hands meeting the desk, hard, as you step in his direction. 

“No, this is insane. You want me to bring a rookie in the first row because you can’t fucking trust me after what happened last time. So, what? You want me to lose more soldiers than I already have? Is this—”

“Enough, [F/N].” His voice sent a shiver down your spine, low –  _dangerously_ low. It was always when he was at his calmest that he was the scariest. “I think you’re forgetting your place, here.”

You stepped back, your arms wrapping back over your chest. You went too far, but you couldn’t manage to mumble an apology. Not when he was unnecessarily putting your whole squad at risk, along with a kid’s life.

“I wouldn’t give you such a mission if I doubted you’d succeed.”

You frowned. “So this is a mission.”

He stood back up, his boots clicking against the floorboards resonated through the room, almost covering his tone. “Yes. Which you’ll understand the purpose when you’ll get back.”

You were right, reading Levi was child’s play compared to this man.

“And you’re sounding a bit too sure right now.”

“As I said already, I don’t doubt you, [F/N].” He sounded honest, which was probably the worst part. Erwin could make anyone believe anything just because he knew what intentions to lay beneath his words. You were almost starting to feel more assured just to hear him say that. _Almost._

You whispered, “I hope you’re right.”

He was in front of you, and when you looked up at him, his expression forced a small gasp out of your throat. He looked relaxed and utterly sincere. It was discountenancing. It had probably been years since you saw him like this – if you _ever_ saw him like this.

“You’re here for a reason, don’t forget it.”

He talked to you almost as a friend now, soft, reassuring, not as your superior and not as the commander of the Survey Corps, and even less as one of the most influential men in the world. No, he was just Erwin here, and you couldn’t dispute anymore.

You lowered your head and hummed in response. As uplifting as it was to see him like that, it was also making you strangely ashamed, regretting all the things you kept reproaching him. Who knows, maybe there still was something human left in him in the end.

“Are we done, now?” Your words came out harshly, more than you expected to, but the only thing you wanted was to hide somewhere in a corner, instead of admiring your own misconceptions waving over his face.

“Yes. I leave you two days to chose someone. I want a certificate after that.”

You nodded, running out of the room as quickly as you could, not even noticing Levi against the wall before he caught your wrist, bringing you back into reality, as he gave you a small, “Oi.”

Instantly, your heart rate slowed down when you met his eyes, confused and checking. You shook your head. “Sorry, I forgot you’ve been waiting.”

Once he was sure you were calmed down, he let go of your hand. You watched it retract, each finger slowly untangling from their grip to fall back neatly on his side. You fought the urge to take it back; to feel him a bit more than that.

“I guess you didn’t enjoy the news.”

Your face lifted back to his, furrowing your brows. “You knew?” He nodded. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

He averted his eyes from yours, not answering. This wasn’t his role to warn you of these things. You couldn’t hold it against him. He couldn’t preserve you from all of it.

“What are you going to do?”

It wasn’t ‘what’ you were going to do; it was ‘how’. How were you going to manage to bring back a rookie, Linn, Dimitri and yourself from this nightmare? It was hard enough with experimented soldiers, but with a _rookie_. 

You didn’t have the choice, though. No matter what Erwin’s reasons were, you had to do it.

Levi’s eyes widened for a second, before softening when you responded, “I’ll do as he says.”

 

* * *

 

Your hand was mere inches away from the wood, kept in that position for an eternity now. As much as you were telling yourself that it would be easy; that you had done way more difficult things in the past, your wrist couldn’t manage to tilt so your presence behind the door could emit a sound – let her know that you were here.

You could hear her footsteps thudding lightly through the room, she was so close, and still, it felt like you were years away from her. Now that you had grown so far from each other, you feared you wouldn’t be able to get back anymore. What if she refused to talk to you? To not see you ever again? What if she wanted to join another squad? To quit? Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. Maybe you should let her go. She deserved a peaceful life, without the military, without the losses, without you.

Linn. She was too pure, too innocent for this world, and you were about to bring everything she was afraid of back into her life just by entering this room. How could such a simple act be so decisive was beyond you. Why was it always the smallest things that seemed to have the more impact? It was just a knock, just a talk. But it felt like the earth was quivering beneath your feet, ready to swallow you the moment you would be able to take the next move.

It was just her. _Just_ her.

You had known each other for years, you _knew_ each other. You knew she won’t reject you. She never did. Why would she now? Because she realised what she lost because of you? Because she couldn’t bear seeing you after what happened with Petra? Maybe. Probably. That would be good reasons.

Levi was right, you couldn’t keep avoiding it. What was going on – or not going on, between you was draining you up. You needed to bury it, whether the outcome would be good or not, it didn’t matter, you both needed to know where you were standing.

You breathed in, out, in again and your hand fell on the door with a quiet thud. It was too low, too subtle, she probably wasn’t able to hear it, and your hand trembled way too much to give another one. Still, you heard the footsteps stop. Then they started again, quick, too quick. The door clicked, slowly opened. Your eyes remained on her feet, and your hand lowered back. The brown leather boots. It could be anyone at this moment, anyone except her. Anyone.

“[F/N]...”  _That voice._

“We need to talk.”


	9. Eighth

One foot stepping back, then the other, leaving you space to enter the room. _Her_ room. With every step you took, your knees trembled a little more, almost failing to keep you up as the fact you were entering _her_ room started to invade your senses. The empty bed on the left. Anne’s bed. The sheets still neatly wrapped over the mattress. _Her_ bed on the right, messy, sheets brushing the floor. The scent of chamomile. The unceasing creak of the floorboards. And _her_. Just there, behind you, standing, waiting.

When you turned around slightly, you caught a glimpse of her face – her golden silk strands falling angelically around her cheeks, acting as a curtain so she could hide from your eyes. Her shoulders were rolled a little, as she kept fidgeting her fingers. She looked like a little girl about to get told off, ashamed and scared. Your eyes shifted back to the window in front of you, the sun blacking out your vision with its too bright light mirroring in the glass. Only when your sight adjusted to it, you heard it. The quietest of sound.

A sniffle.

You jerked around to look at her. Not expecting that what you were about to see would be way worse than anything you encountered before. Your lips parted as you took in her body, shaking with her soundless cries, a hand covering her eyes, quivering too.

Her voice was barely a murmur. “I’m sorry...I’m so sorry...”

If someone tore your heart off with bare hands, stabbed you, broke every single one of your bones over and over again, it still would have been less painful. She shouldn’t be like this. She should order you to go away, punch you, insult you. Anything. But not this.  _Not this._ You watched the tears travelling down her cheeks, lost. And in an instant, when her arms wrapped around your back, every ounce of heat, every word, every breath, every thought, everything, left you. Everything but her hair tickling your nose, and her hands, pulling at your shirt, desperately.

She mumbled against your neck, “Forgive me...”

_Why...?_ You weren’t worthy of these apologies. She had nothing to feel sorry for. Nothing to beg for. Thunder crossed your body and your hands fell on her shoulders, grabbing the leather of her jacket to lift her up to you. That was only when you finally saw her face, only inches away from yours, suddenly startled. She looked exhausted, something you couldn’t see when you peered at her from a distance – her face ghostly white, only highlighting the purple crescents under her tears-swollen eyes. It had to stop. Now.

“Don’t you dare shed one more tear on me.” Her eyes widened, and she trembled a little between your hands. “How can you say such things?”

She shook her head, averting her eyes to the floor between you two. “I’m sorry...”

Your grip tightened on the fabric. “Fucking stop saying that.” 

But the tears kept flowing like small waterfalls down the surface of her cheeks, her blonde eyelashes attempting to bat them away. “I...I didn’t want to push you away...You just looked so...so _hurt_.”

The throbbing in your chest stopped for a moment. When you went back to your room that day. When you held out a hand to her. When she and Dimitri talked to you in the courtyard. She thought she was somewhat responsible for the pain you were feeling. She was. But only because you were the one indulging it to her. What made you suffered the most all along was because _you_ were the cause of _her_ pain. Hers and Dimitri. Did she...Did she realise it? Did she think you would feel relieved to not have her by your side? So this way, she couldn’t be here to remind you your failure? Linn...Dimitri...They were the reason you kept going, the reason you were still standing today. Without them, you were nothing.

“Linn...Look at me.” Your hold loosened, but her eyes shut close. She was just like you in the end – afraid to make the people around her suffer, just because she was there. 

The tears you were holding were itching, burning. Your throat parched, clenched. “Look at me.” 

She gritted her teeth, turning her head to the side, trying to put some distance back between you two. But this time, you wouldn’t let her. “Please...” Your hands moved to her cheeks, cradling them like a mother would comfort her child, tell them that everything would be alright. She turned, finally ceding to look at you, and you smiled.

“You two...You’re everything I have left. Don’t you ever think that I wouldn’t want to have your complaining ass around.”

She chuckled, sniffed and coughed all at once. She was ridiculous, but also so beautiful. Rubbing the tears from her skin with the back of her palm, she asked, “Really?” You nodded slowly.  When the ghost of a smile brushed her lips, yours only grew larger. She wrapped back her arms around you, squeezing, so hard that your sides compressed a little, flaringly prickling to your back. But you didn’t mind. She could break your ribs again, it wouldn’t matter. Nothing mattered. Except her.

Hours kept passing by, chatting, comforting yourselves over a cup of tea, trying to make up for lost time, with Linn looking happier and happier by minutes. Dinner, curfew and night spent in seconds, until only the stars shining and the wind blowing behind the barrier of the window accompanied you. 

“Tell me...” Linn’s back straightened against the wall, her crossed legs dropping down as she lowered the steaming cup in her hand between them. She hummed, giving you her attention. “You’ve become friend with Petra, right?”

The mattress under her squeaked when she brought back her legs towards her front. She looked puzzled, but not hurt. “I thought...After seeing her...”

You whispered, “Yeah...I know.”

“But she isn’t anything like her.” She smiled, slightly saddened, but it was still a smile.

You sighed, in relief more than anything else to know she understood the same thing that you did. She just enjoyed being around Petra, because she was Petra, not because she could find something that could remind her of Anne. 

The inside of your cheek started to ache because of the constant chewing you kept inflicting it. But when Linn peered at you with questioning eyes, you had to keep going. She knew you didn’t bring the subject just as a matter of fact. You had something else to ask her. “Erwin. He wants me to take one of the rookies in our squad...”

She frowned, bothered. “He wants us to move in with the relay teams?”

“No, in the front line.”

Her eyes widened, her knees falling back down on the mattress, making it tremble beneath you. She snapped, high-pitched, “What?!”

“I don’t know why...Yet.” Your eyes fell on the mug in your hands. “But I...I think she’d be good.” Your thumb moved along the rim. “Only if you accept, though.”

She inquired, obviously worried, “Do you really think she’ll be okay?”

“Probably not. Who would be? But, to me, she’s the one who seems less likely to get killed out of the bunch.”

You turned your face back to Linn, she nodded, looking at you right in the eye, her voice firm and assured, “I trust you, if you say she’s the good one, take her.”

She was putting all her trust in you, like she always did. You couldn’t deceive her, more than you couldn’t deceive Erwin, or yourself, or anyone. No matter what would happen on that expedition, you would have to keep Petra alive.

You pushed yourself from the edge of the bed, leaving the cup on the nightstand. “Fine. I’ll ask Dimitri later on. See what he’s thinking.”

Linn followed you, jolting upright as you made your way to the door. “Where are you going?”

“To sleep, and you should do the same.”

Despite her attempts to hide it, and the smile plastered on her face, you could tell how wearied she looked, the shadows around her eyes growing deeper and deeper the more time you spent in the room. You wanted to stay, to keep hearing her laugh and look at her cunning eyes sparkle in the moonlight, but it was alright, because she would still be here tomorrow. She wasn’t far anymore.

Before you could close the door behind you, softly, she called, “[F/N]...Thank you.”

You breathed out, smiling, heartfeltly. “No. Thank you, Linn.”

When you entered the corridor, your eyes wandered over the stairs. Your feet walked towards them, used to take their way towards the bottom floor. You urged them to stop. It was getting late, and you tried to convince yourself that he may have fallen asleep by now, even if you knew he probably didn’t. You turned around, reluctantly, forcing yourself to go to your room instead.

The room, dark and quiet, felt foreign, unsafe almost. You took your uniform off, only your shirt and your trousers remained and laid yourself on the bed. You kept turning around, the sheets tangled around your legs, the pillow, your hands and face cold despite the quilted warmth surrounding you. No matter how long you forced your eyes shut; how long you tried to focus on your breathing or the lightness of your soul; how much you repeated yourself that everything was going well now, something was missing – someone.

Your fist balled over the thin fabric on the mattress. You thought you only needed him when the voices in your head were getting too loud, but there was none today, and still, the craving to see him had probably never been that breathtaking. You wanted to tell him what happened with Linn, that you would ask Petra to join your squad, or just to feel him, somewhere, close to you.

When the clock above you indicated four in the morning, you understood you wouldn’t be able to do anything there. You lifted up quickly from the bed before you could change your mind, closed the door of your office, and made your way towards Levi’s.

The sole of your feet, freezing against the wooden floor, allowed you to walk soundlessly and firmly throughout the building. But when your hand brushed the knob of his door, your heart started to pound painfully fast beneath your ribcage, your breathing quickening and knees trembling. You had been doing this for weeks now, so, why was it suddenly so hard to do it today? There was nothing to worry about, nothing to fear from him. You swallowed the lump in your throat and turned the knob as slowly as you could.

You peered through the small opening and saw his back, sat at the desk as always, but his hand didn’t move and the pen he previously had been holding had fallen inches away from his fingers. You admired the slow rise and fall of his shoulders, steadily asleep. You entered the room slowly, closing the door as quietly as you opened it, checking every few seconds if you didn’t wake him up. You walked to the chair in front of him, lifting it gently to place it next to his. You needed to be next to him tonight. When you finally sat and laid your cheek on your crossed arms, you looked up at him.

Before that, you didn’t know someone could be that beautiful. His expression, completely relaxed, calm, no creases or lines surrounding the planes of his alabaster skin, the flame of the lamp still lit dancing over the marble, flawless. His lips formed a slight pout, supple and peach, as some strands of the raven hair fell over his eyes. His neck was slightly leaned forward despite the straight line of his back, the veins throbbing rhythmically under the soft flesh, as the deep inhalations resonated harmoniously throughout the quietness of the room, dazing you, all the apprehension previously felt gone in an instant.

Your heart hammered a last powerful beat before slowing down when your eyes lowered to his hand, still folded in the position it was in before he succumbed to sleep. Without any hesitation or previous thought, yours reached for it, fingers hovering gently over his, letting the heat of his body slowly spread over yours, as your eyes started to close.

One of his fingers twitched under your palm before you had the time to let yourself drive to slumber. Your eyes blinked open slowly, and you met his face, turned to you, his eyes half-lidded, heavy with sleep and his lips barely parted, but his face still perfectly relaxed. Despite the slight move of his finger, his hand didn’t move, held by your now warmed one.

He spoke, hoarsely, as faint as a whisper, “What are you doing?”

“I couldn’t sleep,” you responded as quietly, eyes starting to close back again, and your mind lulled by the soft depth of his voice.

He hummed, “Something wrong?”

You felt drugged, impossible to keep the words out of your mouth. “No. I just wanted to be with you.”

You heard him move. You opened your eyes a little, catching a glimpse of his face now also resting on his arm. You found him intently looking at your hands, his blue orbs gleaming in the warm light. He looked confused for a moment, and before you could take it away, afraid you might have taken this too far, his fingers moved from your loose grasp to tangle neatly between your knuckles, lightly squeezing your fingers. You closed your eyes, and exhaled deeply, bringing your two hands closer to your face, sighing again when his warmness tickled your lips. He squeezed a bit harder, and something ignited inside of you. 

Maybe it was just because of your somnolence. Maybe it was because of everything he had done for you. Maybe it was because your spirits were finally at ease. But you realised that there wasn’t only Linn and Dimitri left. Levi was here, and you knew that as long as he would be, you would always be able to stand back up. 

At this moment, there was nothing in this world, no Titans, no expedition, no walls, nothing but you two, nothing but his hand, his warmth, his even sighs chanting in your ears, nothing but him.


	10. Ninth

There was something about the cobblestones, the stench of the market, and the suffocating pungency of the air. You could never tell why but, somehow, it always managed to make them want to rip their head off.

“You fucking moron.”

Linn had her hands wrapped around Dimitri’s neck, who was grasping the collar of her jacket, shaking her like a rag doll, as Petra desperately tried to separate them.

“I’m going to fucking kill you.”

You were all inside of a home supply store when Linn suddenly thought that poking Dimitri’s sides with the stick of a broom would be fun. He actually held out pretty well, until he turned around and the stick met his guts. Hard. If only she didn’t spend lunch bragging and attempting to take his leftovers earlier in the tavern, or if he didn’t trip her up when she arrived in front of the cheese stall, maybe you would have been more lenient. But the last bit of a nerve left in your body snapped the moment Linn attempted to kick Dimitri in the shin and he replied by moving his hands to her throat – the two trying to strangle each other, as the poor merchant waved, begging them to stop before they could break anything.

The circle of passers-by in front of the store kept expanding, and you grabbed Linn and Dimitri by the hair, your nails digging into their scalp in the process, pushing them as far as the length of yours arms allowed you to. Petra looked at you, eyes wide like saucers as you spoke, darkly, “You little pieces of shit.” You yanked them towards your face, glaring and spitting, “Don’t you think you’ve embarrassed me enough for the day? Not only me but the whole fucking Regiment?” Linn trembled and Dimitri averted his eyes. You shook them, bringing them closer. “I’ve asked you a question.”

They mumbled in unison, still afraid to look at the daggers you were throwing at them, “Sorry...”

“ _Now_. You’re going to give everything you have left to Mister behind. And if I hear one single clink of a coin in your pockets after we left, being eaten by a titan will be a fucking fantasy compared to what I’ll do to you. Am I fucking clear?” The two nodded, vigorously.

You let them go, roughly, almost letting them fall to the ground, as they instantly started to reach for the remaining money they had and gave it to the old man, who looked as frightened as the people gathered around and your three subordinates. Almost on their knees, Dimitri and Linn offered him a full hand of the small silver circles, seemingly reluctant as they muttered some weak apologies.

You asserted, “Forgive them for the disturbance, Sir. I’ll make sure this won’t happen again.”

The man only nodded quickly, eyes sparkling in front of the coins he was now holding. You turned your heels, stepping swiftly out of the alley, followed close by Linn, Petra and Dimitri, brushing the citizens around, opened mouth while you tried to keep your chin as high as possible.

Silence fell upon the four of you, as you directed them where the horses were left. Dusk was about to fall in a couple of hours and it was definitely time to head back home.

 

* * *

 

Giving a day off a week before an expedition was nonsense to you, and spending your money on junks was even more absurd. Especially when you didn’t know if you would be able to enjoy them more than a few days if you weren’t able to get back. At least, it gave you the opportunity to destress a little. That may be the only understandable aim of this. If only your one day of ‘relaxation’ wasn’t ruined by some rude cheeky kid-behaving idiots who couldn’t hold themselves in public.

You placed the small bag on the desk before taking out the single content kept in it. The strong smell of the leaves filled your nostrils as you brushed imaginary dirt from the squared metal box. 

When you saw a tea stand on your way to the inn, and heard that woman screaming, “Rare quality tea” in the not so crowded street, the thought of spending your money on something like this suddenly didn’t sound as ridiculous. You smirked in advance at how harshly he would be scolding you for buying him anything. You could already hear the innumerous insults hissed out of his mouth, but it was okay – he never really meant them in the end.

A knock interrupted your precocious amusement. You laid the tin can on the pine of the desk, declaring, “It’s open.”

Turning your face slightly, you saw the tall brown-haired man entering slowly. You frowned, seeing his arched back and his stare low on the floorboards. You turned around again, focusing on the bag in front of you. “What do you want, Dimitri?”

He sighed. “I’m sorry for earlier...I don’t know what happened to me.”

Indeed, Dimitri had always been on the calmer side, along with Adrian and Fran. As annoying as Linn could be at times, his patience never wavered to the point of attacking her like he did today.

“I didn’t want to disappoint you.”

Your frown deepened. “You didn’t. It was just...surprising.”

Turning around completely, you saw a small crease between his brows and his lips pressed together. He looked anxious almost, something that rarely sported his features. “What is it?”

His head hung lower, but he didn’t answer. You approached him carefully. “You’re worried, right?”

Since the last expedition, it was the first time his feelings got the upper hand. Dimitri was always rational, the shoulders that supported the whole weight of what happened to the squad – maybe even more than you did – without ever complaining. He never showed an ounce of pain or impulsivity. That was what caught your attention in the first place, unlike Linn, whether it was inside or outside the Walls, he was always serious and compliant. To be as skilled as he was today, he only relied on his hard work, not on some kind of natural talent. You had seen him beat himself up to exhaustion just so he could improve himself. And to this day, he was still doing it, even if he didn’t really need to.

You sat on the edge of the bed, your forearms resting on your thighs. “You know, it’s not your role to do all of this.”

He finally looked at you, raising one of his brows. You continued, “It’s okay if you let go sometimes. It’d take you a lot more than that to disappoint me.” _If he ever could._

His eyes softened, a smirk lifting the corners of his lips. “So you mean I can give her a slap or two once in while?”

You snorted. “Depends on the situation, I guess.”

Moving next to you after he chortled, the mattress dipped a little under him. His eyes travelled to the desk, and he scoffed, “Since when did you start buying tea, seriously? Aren’t you supposed to steal it from the kitchen?”

“It’s not for me,” you replied, blandly.

He hummed, leaning back a little to rest on his arms. “I guess Linn was right after all.”

“What are you talking about?”

“You two really are friends.”

Your eyes widened, and you started to think of a way to get out of this conversation. But if Linn and Dimitri had one thing in common, it was their stubbornness.

“We’re not.”

Despite your eyes focused on the floor, you could see the smile lingering on his lips. He mused, his tone irritatingly playful, “Oh, I see.”

You pinched the bridge of your nose, sighing exasperatedly. “That’s not what I meant.”

After everything that happened these last two months, you didn’t know what to think. Levi had probably been more of a support than anyone had ever been in your life, however, you couldn’t put yourself to consider him as ‘friend.’ It sounded wrong, but only because you weren’t sure it was the proper word to describe what he was for you.

The morning you woke up without Levi’s fingers tangled with yours, the realisation of what you said and done the night before struck you, as the fact you not only needed him but also, wanted him, was becoming more and more unavoidable. He came back a few minutes later, with two mugs of steaming liquid in hand. You both kept silent the whole time you focused on your drinks, the air around stiff and smothering. 

None of you said a word or made a move. But the moment you stood up, ready to run out of the room, he asked, with a voice that held much more hesitation than what he may have liked, if you truly meant what you said hours ago. For the first time in the four years you had known him, he looked unsure, doubtful. He probably already knew the truth, but the answer you would give would affect the link you both shared. Depending on whether you would be willing to admit what you felt or not, he would let you go.

When you joined the military the thought of being attracted to anyone was as idiotic as to buy trinkets a few days before an expedition. First, you didn’t have the time, nor the will to be interested in anybody. Then, knowing that this person could die at any moment or that you, could leave them, was unimaginable. So you shut it off, and as the months and years kept passing by, it became pretty easy. But now, suddenly, you were craving for it. For him.

You wanted to punch yourself; punch Levi for managing to ruin your efforts and everything you had been able _not to_ build in a couple of months with nothing else but a brush of his fingers over your skin. But you also knew it was much more than that, it wasn’t only his touch – it was his soundless support, his unpredictable patience and his way of pushing you just enough without ever being too much to handle. It was all of it you needed. All of him.

So you said the truth.

_Yes._

The moment the small word left your mouth, an almost undetectable sigh left his lips, followed by a quiet, “Good”.

After that, each night you would come back to his office, he would allow one of his hand to roam over yours, massaging the pads of your fingers or stroke the back of your palm in the most gentle and clumsy way, as you memorised every little shiver or change on his face every time you reciprocated.

Your skin kept aching when he wasn’t there – the tingling sensation remained wherever he left his caresses. Every time you would wake up in your room the next morning, you wished you would have been able to open your eyes before he could lay you back in your bed, so you would be able to feel him against you, smell him, touch him a bit more than what you permitted yourself to.

If there was one thing you were sure of in all of this, it was that Levi wasn’t your friend.

“Whatever.”

 

* * *

 

The bag in one hand and the pile of papers in the other, you pushed the door close with your heel. The comforting atmosphere of the room overflowing your senses. The empty seat waiting for you at its new place next to him, you carefully laid the bag in front him before sitting yourself. He stopped writing as you started to dip a pen in the inkpot between the two of you.

“That bag better have not touched the floor before you put it there.”

You shook your head, laughing softly, “It didn’t.” Feeling his glare on you, you turned to him, trying to remain serious. “I swear.”

He hummed, suspicious, his eyes trying to find any semblance of a lie on your face, but when he finally seemed to believe you, he turned back to the bag, as you started to focus on your work – or try to, at least.

“What is it?”

Understanding you wouldn’t answer, he clicked his tongue, laying his pen on the desk, and opened the bag. Your eyes shifted to the jar when he opened it, the smell of tea filling the air around you. He kept examining it, without saying anything for a moment, building up your nervousness before he finally spoke, “You want my advice or something?”

You rolled your eyes. How someone as lucid as him in the most dangerous situations could be so misguided when it came to such simple things was beyond you. “It’s a gift.”

His face turned back to you, furrowing his brows. “Huh?” 

You raised yours, scoffing, “Do I really have to explain what’s a gift?”

“Tch.” He focused back on the box, waiting a moment before speaking again while you pretended to continue with your writing. “Why?”

“There’s no particular reason.”

“I could have bought it myself, I don’t need you to do my shopping.” The tin can clanged lightly on the wood. “Don’t you have better ways to spend your money?”

You sighed, exasperated. “No. So quit it and pour yourself a cup.”

He clicked his tongue again, standing up, the metal jingling when it was raised from the desk. “I hope it isn’t as shitty as the one you brought back from the kitchen last time.” 

You chuckled. “If it is, I’ll sue the merchant for misleading publicity myself.”

Levi snorted before exiting the room with a quiet thud of the door. When he came back, he leaned against the desk, handing you one of the two small steaming cups he was holding. You frowned, waving with a dismissive hand, your eyes kept on the paper in front of you. “It’s yours, I don’t want it.”

“Stop responding and take it.”

You looked up at him, opening your mouth to reply, but seeing his scowl didn’t waver, you groaned instead. You let go of the pen, grabbing the cup, burning in your hands. 

As the warm liquid ran along your throat you absentmindedly leaned back in your chair, enjoying the soothing sensation it provided. You lifted your eyes to Levi between two sips. One of his hand rested on the desk behind him, balancing him as he brought the rim of the cup held by the tip of his fingers to his mouth. His eyes focused on the dark liquid before moving on you, his expression softened.

“So?”

His eyes squinted a little, bringing back the cup to his lips, before mumbling, “It’s not bad.” You pursed your lips trying to hold back your smile. “Don’t be so proud, you’re still an idiot.”

 

* * *

 

The heap of papers didn’t seem to diminish the slightest. At some point, you almost started to suspect Levi for hiding his own sheets in your pile every time you succeeded to finish one of yours. But he already had finished long ago and the only thing he kept doing was taunting you whenever you misspelt a word or mistaken paragraph four with five.

The week before and after an expedition was always the worst when it came to paperwork. You were buried in it, and even after six years of filling all types of letters, reports and certificates, you still didn’t get used to the chore. It was only in these moments that you envied the cadets, who were now peacefully asleep, not worrying about being able to hand back a material condition sum up of each soldier of the four teams they were leading in time to their superior. You had been on it for at least an hour now. Your brain seemed frozen, and you were barely able to restrict the urge to tear the damn paper apart until it would disappear in the air, your hand flaring from the constant clench around the pen. When Levi informed you that you forgot two reports from Dita’s team, you couldn’t hold back anymore. You growled, letting your forehead fall to the desk, hoping the collision would manage to knock you out so you could escape from this, but it only made the already unbearable ache in your head worse, making you groan even harder.

Even Levi’s encouraging pat on your head wasn’t enough to reassure you, as you seriously started to consider just jumping out of the window to end your suffering.

The scraping sound coming from next to you snapped you out of your suicidal plans. You turned your head, your cheek squashed against the desk and saw Levi already starting to fill out one of your untouched documents.

“What are you doing?”

“Finish your teams’ reports, I’ll get over with this.”

You parted your lips to protest but realising you wouldn’t be able to finish this alone and that he won’t answer to any of your pleas, you straightened up slowly, taking back the pen, gently this time, mumbling a small, “Thank you.”

Your eyes moved to his hand, hurriedly writing. He looked tired, though it didn’t affect his beauty in any way. He was probably as bored as you were. He had been doing his own work all night, and still, he was here offering his help without you even needed to ask for it. A slight twinge made its way to your heart, somewhat similar to the one you felt the first days he came to help you.

“Levi...” He hummed softly, and you hesitated a moment before asking, a bit confused and ashamed, “Why are you doing all of this?” The pen lifted from the paper for a second, just a second before he continued with his task.

You waited patiently for an answer, but it never came.

You couldn’t tell if he even was aware of it at all. Levi kept entering in people’s lives, despite his will, already possessing the key to all their secrets and deepest fears. He didn’t realise it but there always was only benevolence in his words, in his acts, and without he or you could do anything to stop it, whether he or you wanted it, the only thing you could do was to accept it.


	11. Tenth

Navy and gloomy, the sky upon you refused to let place to the moon tonight. It was all dark, misty, asphyxiating. However, its grace didn’t sway. For you, whether it was clear, dim or morose, it was always fascinating. It was the one connection to the outside, the one thing you could hold on to, no matter how far you could go. But it was also what made it so terrifying. It followed you.

The first time you went out, you thought it was different. It was brighter, endless. It was freedom. Then, when you came back with the corpses of your fallen comrades on your back, it was all the same. Perfectly blue, blinding, deprived of any fog, any cloud. The azure clashing with the blood staining your clothes. Some kind of joke, you thought, the universe mocking you, pointing at you.

But you understood now. It worked on its own. The sky. It was unaffected by all of this. The Walls. The Titans. The deaths. It was constant and always changing. Unlike the sun, the moon, it wasn’t restricted by some kind of cosmic rule, or by any pattern at all. The only thing reliable in this world, the only thing that would always be here – that had always been here. Always above, always watching. It was so much greater than anything else, so pure, and so wild.

Everything was insignificant, forgotten, next to it. Every time your eyes met it, it relieved you.

A heavy sigh falling from your lips, you allowed yourself a few more seconds of contemplation, before turning back to the belongings on the bed. You folded your jacket, Levi’s cloak, the harness and straps neatly on its edge. You checked one last time the number of blades in the sheaths, the quantity of gas in the steel bottles, the manageability of the remotes, and the flexibility of the rotatory axes. Everything placed on the ground, ready to be used, waiting.

Six hours. Six hours until you would leave.

It felt so far-off, but also so close. Too close.

None of you was able to tell what was waiting for you out there, what your fates would be. The only thing that was certain, was that lives will be taken away again. It was as true as the sky would stand on top of your heads tomorrow morning. 

At the very least, fifty, maybe sixty. If you were lucky, forty. It was still too much. It was still unfair.

If most of their names would be unknown to you, they wouldn’t deserve any of it. No one deserved something like this. No one.

It was that sense of justice that pushed you to enlist, like almost everyone else in the Corps. Everyone wanted to avenge the ones who died. Everyone wanted to restore the peace that was lost long ago. If your hope was becoming frail, that instinct that pushed you to protect people was what motivated you to stay. You didn’t know for how long it would do, but for now, it was enough.

You grabbed the few filled documents on the desk and exited the office quietly.

Everyone was sound asleep in the building, the corridors silent, except for the few snores coming from some rooms. It was peaceful, calm, almost impossible to guess that in a matter of hours, the people behind those doors might die, massacred, swallowed. As disillusioned as it was, it was somehow heartening.

When you arrived in front of the door, you knocked softly, announcing your presence before entering. Erwin lifted his eyes from his work to you, greeting you with a small smile.

“I just came to bring you this,” you said quietly, handing him the papers.

He took them slowly. “Good, thank you [F/N].”

You stepped back to the door, ready to close it before Erwin spoke, “Try not to worry too much.”

How could you? It was impossible. You were afraid, frightened even. Not – never – for your life. For Linn’s. For Dimitri’s. For Petra’s. And now, even for Levi’s. You didn’t want to think about it – what would happen if you lost any of them.

You replied, half-heartedly, “Yeah. Good night, Erwin.”

“Good night, [F/N].”

Shutting the door close, you headed to the stairs again. Though, when you crossed Levi’s floor, your legs stopped moving.

You should let him rest. _You_ should rest. You both needed it, knowing the day you had waiting for you – but you couldn’t hold back. If there was one night where you needed him more than any other, it was this one.

You turned the knob gradually, your eyes immediately meeting his when you entered the room. Levi was standing in front of the desk, his body facing the gear laid there, as his face was turned to you, peering over his shoulder, a hint of confusion wrapped over his features.

Focusing back on the blades in front of him, he rubbed the cloth he had in hand over one of them. You sat on the bed, pristine and neat. It almost felt unused, still firm and perfectly bouncy, as if he refused to accept the comfort of a quilted mattress, rather choosing the hard, cold wood of the table.

Slashing sounds resonated throughout the room when he slipped the blade in one of the boxes, swiftly starting to clean another one. They were already new and shiny, but it didn’t prevent him to put as much care and concentration as he could in the action.

“Do you want me to help?”

He exhaled, sharply, adding a bit more force on the piece of steel – the quiet breath acting as your only answer. You kept observing him for a moment, while he continued to ignore you, refusing to acknowledge you were there by not even giving you a glance. However, the fact that your presence was bothering him was clear on his face. If his hands moved slowly and gingerly, his brows were furrowed above his narrowed eyes, and his lips were tight, pressed. Way more than usual. Were you really disturbing him that much? He didn’t need more focus to perfect his gear than to fill out paperwork, much less actually. He was just making sure he wouldn’t get any dirt on the tips of his fingers here. Somehow, the task seemed to be way more thoughtful than what you had ever seen him doing.

You waited minutes – minutes that felt like hours, praying that he would end up saying something. But all you got was silence.

Maybe that was a bad idea, after all.

Not wanting to keep on with the awkward quietness any longer, you pushed yourself up from the bed and walked to the door, disappointed and embarrassed.

“Sorry if I’ve disturbed you.”

The metal rang against the wood. A shaky breath left your lips when you heard the small word, muttered in a rush, hesitant, “Stay.”

That probably was the most vulnerable he had ever been in front of you. It scared you a little – to know that even Levi happened to be like this at times. But it also felt restful. You queried if in the end, he was as scared to be alone as you were, or if he was just savouring the moments you spent together as much as you did. The latter thought, making your heart beat painfully, to the point where you wonder if he could hear it from the other side of the room.

His back was still facing you when you turned around. He spoke again, in his usual flat tone. “Not for long, though.”

A small smile lingered on your lips. It was more than enough. You already felt grateful. To be allowed here, that he even _asked_ for you to be here. At this moment, he could throw you away after a few minutes that you wouldn’t care.

His eyes followed you on your way to the bed, only softening ever so slightly when you were sat at your previous place. He focused back on the gear, and you allowed your eyes to wander over the perfection of his face. 

Your eyelids, your head, quickly got heavier and heavier the more your gaze remained on his form, on the dexterity of his hands working on the gear, the muscles of his forearms moving and contracting, exposed by the rolled up sleeves of his black top, contrasting with the paleness of his skin.

Sleep slowly started to numb you, as you were fighting to keep your eyes open. It was late already, but it was too soon to succumb to slumber. You wanted to see him more, to admire him more.

The gear chimed and thudded somewhere on the ground between the bed and the desk. The grip you had on the sheets kept loosening while silence filled the office. Before your arms could give you up, a strong one snaked its way around your waist, holding you in place.

When your face fell forward, all you were surrounded by was warmth, the sweet scent of tea and soap, like he just got out from a shower, fresh and milky, but still strong and woody. Absentmindedly, you buried your nose deeper in the soft skin, the throb of his neck pulsating beneath your lips. He stiffened against you, flinching slightly at the small gesture. Quickly, his other arm was supporting your knees, as if he suddenly was in a hurry, but before he could lift you up, your hand fell on his side, grabbing the thin fabric of his top. You asked yourself how – no matter the cold or the light clothing – he always managed to be so warm.

Hazy, you whispered, “Wait.”

The arm under your legs retracted slowly as you blinked open your eyes, but the one around your waist remained there despite the tension in his body. You couldn’t deny how good it felt, to be in his arms, how relishing the warmness felt when it seeped from his skin to your own. Despite the somewhat uncomfortable sensation you both held, it was so natural, to feel him this way, as he always had been like this, by your side. 

His voice blew over your ear like silk, sending a shiver down your body. “You should rest, [F/N].”

Sleep and desire overtook you. If you accepted he could let you go earlier, now the thought of losing his contact dreaded you. The last thing you wanted at this moment was to go back to your room, cold and dark compared to the warmth and soft light Levi provided you. Pulling away just enough to be able to speak, your lips brushed the hot throbbing flesh of his neck when you breathed out, “With you.”

His hand moved from your waist to your hip, to the side of your leg, sending fire through your entire being, waking you almost completely. He withdrew a little, leaving your face bare in the cool air, your lidded eyes focused on his moving lips when he whispered, “What?”

You felt limp against him, but your hand still firmly gripped his shirt, afraid he might run away, disappear somewhere in the night. Levi was the only one you allowed to see you this exposed. You trusted him deeply, and unknowingly. The words came out of your mouth, sincere and heartfelt, without any apprehension or fear at all, “I won’t be able to sleep if I’m not with you.”

His breath tickled your cheek when he sighed, his arms starting to wrap back around you. Your fist balled tighter around the cotton, your nails almost scratching the skin underneath. You leaned in, your forehead meeting the hard muscles of his chest, the hurry rhythm of his heart calming yours. You murmured, so low you were afraid he might not be able to hear it, “Here is fine.”

He clicked his tongue at your insistence but he slowly started to loosen against you. Exhaling, the soft breath fanned over your head. His arms left you warily before he kneeled down. Your fingers grazed his side to meet his shoulder, until they rested somewhere in his hair, softly caressing the short cut on the back of his head. Stiffening a second before his hands quickly started to roam over your shins, he slipped off your boots like that day when he found you in your room, but you were sure that it held much more care and affection today. You watched him, the dark lashes fluttering over his cheeks as he examined your legs blandly. There wasn’t anything on his face that could tell you how he was feeling about this, but the way he was touching you spoke volumes. It was too soft, too gentle not to mean anything.

As he guided you to rest on the bed, you started to lie on your side, groaning a little when a slight sting reverberated in your ribs, fading once you were completely relaxed on the mattress. When he walked back to the desk, your hand fell on his wrist. “With you, Levi.”

His eyes widened a bit when he grasped your words. There was no way you would let him sleep on that desk again, not when you were here, hugged by the hot silkiness of the bed. It didn’t matter whether it was his or yours, all you needed was to have him next to you.

He frowned at the fingers wrapped around his wrist. He didn’t look upset though, it seemed like millions of questions waved in his eyes, trying to discern an answer, that he seemed to have found, but still doubted it was real, sceptical and cautious.

Dropping his shoulders, he muttered, “You’re worse than those brats.”

You could see he was hesitating, that he wasn’t sure if it was the right thing to do when his eyes moved to you, to your form, slowly taking in your lied body. However, after a few seconds, he seemed to make up his mind and kicked off his shoes, turning off the lamp before he moved to the bed. His head fell on the edge of the pillow, trying to put up some space between you two, but you shifted closer. His heart drummed like hooves on the ground when you laid your hand on his chest, but it seemed like he was holding his breath, the muscles not even flinching against you. Your forehead falling back on top of it, you softly stroke the hard surface, as to shush the hurried beats.

“I’m sorry...I know I’m asking too much.”

It seemed to calm him since he finally started to relax against you. He buried his nose in your hair and sighed deeply, the gentle rise and fall of his ribcage resuming, the throb of his heart calming. His fingers moved to your side, the pads gently brushing, hesitant but soothing the still sensitive skin, making you squirm a little in his arms. He snorted in your hair, encircling your waist completely again as his other hand laid on your neck, drawing you closer to him. You sighed blissfully over his chest, your eyes slowly starting to shut close.

All your fears and worries vanished, and you forgot about the expedition, about everything that could happen. It all seemed so small compared to what his presence gave you, how rested you already felt just to be here, and to know that in the end, he was feeling much the same. So you let your mind slip away from all of this, all the pain, all the misery.

Just for now. 


	12. Eleventh

When a shudder shook your body under the thin cover, your legs rolled to your front, trying to regain some of the lost warmth. Your fist balled over the sheets, patting the smooth surface, to only find nothing there. Opening your eyes, the dim light of the rising dawn stripped across the room in soft golden rays. Instantly, your stare fell on the figure sat on the edge of the bed.

His back was facing you, the loose fabric of his shirt draping over his curved spine. His forearms rested on his lap. His head bowed slightly. He looked concentrated, pensive, flinching when the mattress squeaked as you straightened up. He turned around while you rubbed your eyes, sitting cross-legged on the bed. Once your sight adjusted to the faint, but still blinding light, your breath hitched when you saw his face.

The sunshine caught one of his eyes, piercing and gleaming like an aquamarine gem, the bangs that fell over his gaze shimmered as if they were encrusted with copper filaments – contrasting with the raven shade untouched by the light – and the ivory of his skin glowed like crystal particles meshed together in one single coat of white. He was enthralling and ethereal. Alluringly, so.

Abruptly – something that rarely happened to you – you submitted to the need of running a hand through your hair to silken them down, to drop your shoulders and try to make yourself look presentable, growing bashful over his beauty. You averted your eyes from him, focusing on the sheets laid on your legs instead – wondering how they even got there. He didn’t move for a moment, his attention still on you, making you feel more and more uncomfortable to the point where you fidgeted your fingers around the fabric. You hated him for being able to do that – making you look like some kind of shy teenage girl by only peering at you for more than a few seconds.

Slowly, he finally pushed himself up from the bed. “You want something?”

The useless try of clearing your throat made your voice come out way more hoarsely than what you originally wanted it to be. “Yes.” You coughed, grimacing at the throb in your ribs because of the still painful action. “Please.”

Levi gave you a small nod before leisurely walking to the door, leaving you alone in the quiet room. You sighed, your back and your shoulders rolling again in their natural position. Your eyes shifted to the clock on the wall facing the bed. Seven. Which meant you still had an hour before you would have to leave the base. With the trip to the gate, you would step outside in three hours. Three hours. Your stomach churned, and you bit the inside of your cheek hard, trying to concentrate on the pain rather than the nausea the mere thought of the expedition brought you. Forcing yourself out of the bed, you slipped on the boots placed on the floor.

Even if you probably slept not more than five hours, you felt oddly relaxed, recharged even. Waiting for Levi to come back, you walked in front of the window, admiring the pink and orange hues of the clouds, while the memories of what happened last night slowly started to invade you.

Why did you force his hand like that? You could have just let him bring you back to your room, or just let him sleep on the desk, with or without you. There were so many options you could have chosen, and still, that was the only one you had in mind. You didn’t regret it though. The way he kept allowing you closer, the way he reacted to your touch, halting and trembling every time until he finally allowed himself to loosen. Levi always followed his will. If he didn’t want to do something, he wouldn’t do it, that was as simple as this. So, why did he want this? Why did _you_ want this? You cared about him, and he seemingly did the same after everything he had done. It was strong, yes, but you still couldn’t perceive what it was exactly. It wasn’t friendship, nor it was a simple attraction, and you didn’t want to believe it was love. You couldn’t love in this world, it was too painful, too dangerous. Levi knew this as well, he wouldn’t risk being distracted from his work by something like this. You had to trust it, keep trusting him to prevent you from crossing the line.

“Oi.” You jumped a little, turning around to find Levi behind you. He had a tray in his hands, two pieces of bread with two cups laid on it. You took the one with the darker liquid in it and one of the loaves carefully, trying not to meet his eyes at any cost. “Thank you.”

Sipping the coffee slowly, you stayed in front of the window, as he sat at his desk. You didn’t dare to turn around, to join him, or even look at him. His presence, it was too much – you had to stay away from it.

“How did you sleep?” His voice was stern. It was always easier when he spoke like this. It made it sound like it was just a simple form of politeness, like he didn’t really care.

“Well. You?”

You tried to remain distant, not saying a lot of words was better. You couldn’t let him think that was special, that last night was the best you had felt in months – years probably – or that you couldn’t even remember when was the last time you felt that good in somebody’s arms.

Levi hummed, serene. Suddenly, your resolve was becoming hard to maintain. You wanted to ask him if he slept at all, if he did, for how long? And if he didn’t, what did he do then? Did he wait until it was time to get up? Did he look at you or kept touching you? What did he felt when you did last night? Why was he—

“I slept, at least.”

The air stayed stuck somewhere in your lungs. It was worse than if he didn’t. It meant that despite his trouble sleeping, it became easy if you were here. It meant that he trusted you, and was comfortable enough to stay unguarded. Your grip tightened on the cup. You felt like you were about to jump on him in any second. You wanted to touch him, feel his own hands on you, lose yourself in the intensity and beauty of his stare, his face, everything. It hurt almost. It was consuming.

“Good,” you said, hurriedly.

He didn’t say a word for the time you were done eating and drinking. You tried to forget he was here, behind, as you could feel his eyes on you the whole time. You imagined you were alone, that none of the feelings wobbling in the pit of your stomach existed. The speedy beats of your heart thrummed in your temples. It was hard to stand still, to stay focus on the waking sky above you or on the desert courtyard beneath.

The moment you swallowed the last bit of bread, you placed the empty cup on the tray on the desk, your eyes kept anywhere you wouldn’t meet Levi’s form. You walked to the door, trying to look as unperturbed as you could.

“I’ll see you later.”

Before you could reach the handle, there was a rustle. His strides thumped behind you, and within seconds, his hands were on your neck, forcing your face to his, and without you could comprehend anything that was happening, his lips met yours in a hard yet slow dance – eyes shutting close on the impact.

You gasped in his mouth, your knees trembling and your back banging against the wood of the door in an attempt to steady yourself up. Your head was spinning, any semblance of composure you had previously gone as he moved against you, leaving burning kisses on your lips, gentle and hurried. It almost felt desperate, like he was afraid he might not be able to do this ever again. It tasted like fear, and the bitterness of the leaves mingling with the one from the beans. Still, his flavour was as sweet and fresh as a summer fruit, one you would normally be too afraid to have a bite of because of its rarity, and because you knew you would grow addicted the moment it would meet your tongue. The shock and the sensation dazzled you. You couldn’t move, see or feel anything but him and the breath blowing on your lips between every kiss he laid there.

It may have lasted for only a few moments, but it felt like an eternity had passed, and at the same time, you wanted to ask for more – like it still wasn’t enough.

When he parted from you, you knew you crossed it. You crossed the line. You wanted him, more than you ever wanted anything or anyone in your life. Your entire being begged for him. The knot in your stomach paralysed you, your hands clammy and your heart ready to stop as you tried to come up for air.

Levi’s sigh fanned over your face, his hands falling back to his sides. “Don’t play the moron out there.”

Your eyes opened slowly to find his lingering on your lips, still parted and quivering. The faintest of blush dusted his cheeks and you found the force to hold out a shaky hand to caress it, the tips of your fingers quickly gliding to his own open mouth, the pads scarcely brushing the supple flesh. He leaned in, his forehead meeting yours, as his thumb drew circles over your wrist, carefully holding it so it wouldn’t fall, making sure you would keep the contact. His other hand moved to your stomach, easing the tangles wrapped in it, and when yours moved to cup the sharp edge of his jaw, he shifted just enough so his lips could meet yours one more time, in the most delicate, barely-there kiss.

He stepped back a little, your eyes fluttering to widen when you found what was laying behind his blue ones. They almost didn’t look like his own, barely open as he looked down at you with just care and softness. You could practically depict the curves of your face in the so reflective orbs despite the sun beaming on his back. There wasn’t an ounce of black, not a sign of a pupil in the cobalt seas.

From what you could see, you could almost say Levi had crossed the line long ago – it was too bright, too genuine to be new. You realised that even if you would have been able to take your distance sooner, it was already too late. There was no way to walk away from this. So you stayed, just a bit longer. Both of your chests heaving in the knowledge that now, coming back from this expedition would be even more of a necessity than it already was. For the first time, you _want_ – you _need_ to come back. For him.

 

* * *

 

The sheaths tapped against your thighs as you walked through the stables. Before you could turn left to get to your box, a deafening scream reached your ears. When you recognised the voice, you couldn’t help the smirk lifting up your lips to know what exact situation she was in. You turned around and saw Linn almost howling, waving her hands in all directions as Dimitri had one of his blades in hand, ready to cut off the hair caught between Shallot’s teeth while Petra patted anxiously the horse’s flank, trying to calm her down.

The moment you approached them, Linn shouted, “[F/N]! Oh my god, please! Do something! He’s going to cut it!”

Shallot straightened up her neck, pulling at Linn’s hair a bit more, earning another loud cry from her. Trying not to wind the horse up more than she already was at the constant whining and wriggling of the blonde, you approached them calmly after putting the hood of Levi’s cloak on, preventing you to get caught instead of Linn if Shallot decided you would taste any better. Petra and Dimitri moved to the side, as you slowly started to stroke the horse’s muzzle. She relaxed a little and you slowly pushed a finger inside her mouth to tickle the gums. She opened up just for a second, but it was enough for you to free Linn from her grasp, pushing her quickly, she fell limply on the floor, squealing a bit too dramatically. Shallot neighed, her neck rocking back and forth, definitely frustrated to have her favourite toy – food – confiscated. You chuckled, running a hand down her mane as Linn started to stand back up.

“How the fuck did you do that?” she yelled, bewildered.

Petra stated, puzzled as well, “We’ve been trying to do it for almost ten minutes.”

You rolled your eyes, walking to your own horse’s box. “You guys never put a bit on a horse before?”

If the vet teams took care of equipping the mounts whenever an expedition was coming up, you still had to do it when you rode in your free time or whenever you had to get to the city, and at the very least, you had learned to do it during your formation. They all knew how to make a horse open their mouth, but somehow, everyone seemed to forget about it when this kind of ‘accidents’ happened.

You looked over your shoulder, the three of them were facepalming as they realised their own stupidity. You snorted, entering in Moka’s box, who seized Levi’s hood, pulling it back down, as to welcome you. If Moka liked chewing as much as Shallot did, it was always your clothes, not a part of your body, which you were definitely grateful for. Patting his neck gently, you grabbed his noseband to guide him outside, as Dimitri, Petra and Linn did the same with their own mount.

Dimitri figured when you were out of the stables, “Dita’s starting to grow bald because of her, and you knew all this time how to avoid it?”

You shrugged as you got on the saddle. You had to admit it was quite an amusing show to see – even if you felt a bit sorry for Dita. The only reason you revealed your secret today was because you were all already late and you didn’t have the time to wait for Shallot to finish her breakfast.

In a matter of minutes, you were at the meeting place in front of the castle. About half of the teams were already there. Squad leaders were supposed to arrive before everyone else. At least, you couldn’t see Hange in the front, which meant you weren’t _that_ late. Once you caught a glimpse of Mike, you moved towards him and placed yourself on his left, Dimitri, Linn and Petra behind you. You tried to ignore Levi who was just on his right, your heart already starting to hammer sorely in your chest. Moka rocked his neck a little beneath you. You breathed in slowly, trying to calm yourself as you stroked down the chestnut coat. This wasn’t the time to think about it, you had to stay focus. The mission was more important for now.

Once you and Moka seemed to have relaxed, you noticed Mike was turned to you, crinkling his nose and sniffing as he squinted his eyes. You raised a brow at him, trying with all your might not to let your eyes shift towards Levi. “What?”

He sniffed one more time, turning his face to Levi then back to you, and your blood ran cold. Of course, the bastard could smell a titan half a mile away. He knew. He fucking knew. Probably not what happened exactly, but he could smell Levi’s scent on you, and that was enough to make the cogs in his brain roll. You glared at him, challengingly. 

Don’t say anything. Don’t say anything.  “Nothing.” 

He shrugged, and you let out a relieved sigh. Mike sure was the best one to keep his mouth shut. As contradictory as it sounded, he never stuck his nose where it wasn’t wanted. And now, more than ever, you were thankful for it.

Suddenly, Hange reached Levi’s side, cantering and grinning. “Hey there, everyone!”

All three of you groaned in response. She was always such a pain on the way to the gate, always too excited and rambling about ‘how great it would be to meet an abnormal today’. She was more enthusiast when an expedition was coming up than when it was her fucking birthday, squealing and jumping every five seconds like she would burst out of excitement – or get a seizure, depends on the day.

Thankfully for your nerves, Erwin placed himself in front of you after a few minutes when everyone was finally here, and all the distant, annoying sounds Hange babbled stopped. He turned to all of you, nodding in the direction of the road. “Let’s go.”

  

* * *

 

The sky had opened to a cloudless blue above you. If you didn’t want to believe it would affect how the expedition would be going, you couldn’t help the bad feeling you held to drain your every muscle. The worst always happened when it was at its most beautiful state. It was the same during your first expedition, and it was the same two months ago.

You lifted your face towards the sun, closing your eyes, allowing the hot rays to flow over your skin, freeing your mind and your body from the freezing breeze and the unbearable twist in your core. Your fists clenched around the reins, ready to leave at any moment. You arrived in Trost minutes ago, and the signal to open the gate had already been sent. The chattering of the cadets filled your ears, along with the creaking of Hange’s saddle as she wiggled, but the ones who were standing just behind you kept silent. They were as scared as you were, even more maybe.

The earth quaked beneath you as the gate slowly started to open, the stone door lifting up to give you a sight of the world laying at the end of the tunnel. It was a beautiful world, but you also knew how cruel it was. There were no imploring to be done; no prayers to sing; no comforting words to offer there.

Your eyes roamed over every soldier you were able to see, shouting and holding their blades up. There was a certain beauty to it – the craving for freedom; the craving for the war. You knew it wouldn’t last long though. It never lasted long. For a second, you wondered how many of them would be able to come back, and if you would even be here to know it. Your gaze shifted to Dimitri, Linn and Petra. They all seemed ready, focused, but when you looked closer, you could see the fear that was wrapping their posture, their face. They were stiff, tense, but you knew it was better to be like that than too relaxed – being too relaxed always get you killed. You gave them a reassuring nod, trying to bring back some life to their closed faces. “You better blow up that record.”

They all snorted, and the glow in their eyes lit again. Their chins were high, the hold on their reins tight. Suddenly, there was a fire burning behind their stares, and you knew you managed to awaken something inside of them. Even Petra had it, even she was waiting for it. Seeing them like this made your own fears disappear. Because you knew you made the right choice.

You turned around and your gaze found Levi’s in an instant. However, you didn’t try to avert it. You relished in being able to see him one last time before your departure. You blinked slowly, nodding as you tried to convince him – and yourself – that everything would be alright. You put the hood of his cloak back on. It would protect you. It always did.

The gate was fully open, and you let your eyes linger on the light in front of you. Linn’s and Dimitri’s voice resonated somewhere in the crowd. Everyone shouted, cried out in euphoria, and goosebumps covered every inch of your skin, your whole body in high alert, ready. Your feet tapped against Moka’s flank, and the cold wind wiped your face as you raced behind Erwin.

“Now begin the 37th expedition!”


	13. Twelfth

Six years ago, just before your initial step out of the Walls, you asked your leader what it was like, how it felt when you sensed the Outside for the first time. He said something that had been imprinted in your mind since then. He said that no matter how much sorrow it could bring, you always feel the urge to come back. You couldn’t understand. Maybe that man found some sort of poesy in having death around when it was in such a beautiful setting. Maybe the years he spent in the Corps made him insane. Maybe he just grew accustomed to it. But then, when you tasted the air of a world that had no boundaries for the first time, it became clear.

The adrenaline, the beauty, the fear, and most of all, the freedom that it brought, all combined together – you experienced what it really was like to be alive. It made every hair on your body raise, all your nerves awaken. It was exhilarating, and it gave a sense to what you were doing. It added a reason to keep moving, no matter how much tears or blood could be shed.

The hooves made the soil tremble beneath you as you kept racing forward. In an instant, you would have to get into formation. That was when you were left alone, that you were forced to rely on your own strength, your judgement, but also your comrades’. That was when it became dangerous. When you had to carry their lives in your hands, and that you had no other choice but to lead them, and to let them trust you.

Within seconds, all the forward scouts accelerated to pass the Command Squad. Erwin and his men now behind, your hands pulled on the reins and you headed westward. From the corner of your eye, you saw Mike leave for the centre west, Hange for the extreme east, and Levi for the centre east of the formation, all followed by their respective squad. Centre East. It was almost a mile away from you. You could reach him in a couple of minutes at horse full-speed, but a couple of minutes when you were in the hands of Titans was too long. Your fists clenched around the leather bits as you watched Levi draw away, and it took you all you had not to call for him, follow him, anything. The thought he could die on that field, without you could do anything to stop it, terrifying you to no end.

Like he heard your quiet struggle, he turned around. As impassive as he looked, the iron grip he had on his reins betrayed him, and despite the distance, you could almost see your own fear mirror in his eyes. Because he held the same one, and like this morning in his office, unwittingly, he allowed you to see it. Levi gave you one last nod, and this time, you knew he was the one trying to tell you everything would be alright. And you believed him. He wouldn’t need you. He was the best among all. He would stay alive. Like he always did.

Sighing heavily, you forced your eyes off him and left for your position, along with Linn, Petra and Dimitri. You peered over your shoulder. Their faces were grave now. Linn wasn’t the cocky young woman she was inside of the Walls, she was serious, focused on the land in front of her, and Dimitri became the second in command he now was, concentrated, solemn almost. Petra, however, was stiff on her saddle, her eyes wide, hands trembling. If you had years of experience behind you, she didn’t. She probably had never even seen a titan before, and she surely didn’t know what it was like to deal with one – a _real_ one, not one of those cheap wood replications. And if she respected you, she didn’t completely trust you yet, which was normal, but you had to make sure she would when the moment would come.

Your eyes straight back on the horizon, you said, “Petra, I want you to listen to me now.”

Finding the right words was always difficult. No matter what you could say, it would always sound wrong in this type of situation. Comforting someone who might die in a few minutes, hours, seconds even, was useless, but after partially lying to her two weeks ago, you couldn’t do the same now. You had to say the truth, one that was harsh, and cruel, but it was the only option here. She had to know what could happen and be prepared for it.

“You can’t be distracted. _This_. This has nothing to do with training. If we let a titan pass us, or that we miss a shot, we die, or worse, people will die because of us.”

You weren’t only worried for the rest of the formation, you were also saying this for her. Because you knew how painful it was to live with guiltiness; to live while knowing that someone fell because of you. There wasn’t any rest when you were the one left, and if you had to choose for her, maybe you would rather Petra to die than live with that.

“You are forbidden to act alone. You have to trust me, Linn and Dimitri, no matter what. We know what we are doing, you don’t, for now at least. I chose you because I think you’re capable of doing it, so don’t deceive me.”

Maybe it was still hypocritical to say that. You knew what you were doing, but you doubted you always managed to take the right decision. After all, you were supposed to protect them, something you failed to do on the last expedition. If Linn and Dimitri had been able to come back, it was because of Levi. You could have died there, all of you if he didn’t come. Again, that was only a matter of luck, he happened to arrive at the right time – to arrive at all. But you wanted to believe the years you had spent in the Regiment didn’t mean anything. It had to happen one day or another. You knew from the start that you would lose them. You signed for it the moment you became a squad leader, and even the moment you enlisted. It still hurt, immensely, but you had to focus on the fact that for three years you had been able to keep them alive, and that _this_ meant something.

“Is that all clear?”

“Y-Yes, Squad Leader! It’s all clear!”

Breathing out sharply, your eyes wandered over the field, seeking for any movement, ears opened, intently searching for any noise that could reach them. Not only because you were outside, and not only because you were in the front row, you had to be extremely vigilant. Being at one of the extremities of the formation meant that danger could not only come from in front of you, but also from your left, and from behind. It was one of the most dangerous placements to be in. Only elite soldiers were allowed there, and it was a position you had been attributed only two years ago. There was a sense of pride coming from that, but the responsibilities were even greater. Your aim was to inform the rest of the scouts if you encountered a titan, but also to make sure none could get in. If one managed to enter from the side, it would only take it a few minutes to reach the centre, so the relay teams and the carts, which meant death for the cadets, but also for all of you if the supplies were destroyed.

The goal of the mission today was to observe territory to build a new base. It was a way to get back on track after two months spent without an expedition, but also so the newbies could get a taste of what an expedition was. Still, if the mission was simple, it didn’t mean it would be easy, or that you would be able to come back without any losses. It never happened.

There wasn’t a sign of a titan in sight, neither a sound coming from the land ahead of you except the wind’s blow whistling between the pines’ branches. Nothing.

After almost half an hour of riding, only a couple of Titans had been spotted in the right wing, which you managed to avoid after Erwin ordered to change direction. This was all going too well. Except for the stunning pain in your ribs every time Moka’s hooves collided with the ground. If you thought you were doing better, now the reminder of your fall two months ago was being alarming, the pain dazing, nauseous. But there wasn’t any break allowed for now, and you could even less slow down the pace.

The ruins of a village emerged from between the trees, as loud thumps resonated on your right. The rhythm of your heart raced, and out of reflex, your hand moved to one of the controls kept on your sides when the silence was broken, quickly regaining your calm when the familiar figure approached. One of Erwin’s subordinates.

“Squad Leader [L/N]! The Commander sent the order to enter the nearest village. We should reach it in a few minutes.”

You nodded, your grip on the hilt tightening. “Understood.”

The soldier retreated quickly, making his way back towards the Command Squad. Erwin probably wanted to examine the state of the city. It was always easier to set a base up somewhere where there already were foundations. However, that meant the front row would have to enter first and clean the area if there was any danger coming around before the rest of the formation could follow.

Releasing the controls from their holsters, you swiftly clipped a blade on each end, slashing sounds echoing above the thudding of the horses when you slipped them out of their sheaths. You didn’t need to turn around or shout an order for Linn, Petra and Dimitri to do the same, the metallic vibrations of their own swords resonating behind you.

The distance between you and the village kept decreasing to the point where you could get a glimpse of the horses gathered at the opening. Mike and Levi probably arrived a few moments ago, and if Hange wasn’t there already she must be in—

“Hey, [F/N]!”  _Speaking of the devil. _

Turning your face to the right, you quirked an eyebrow at her, before saying, “I’m taking the left, you take the right.”

Hange smiled slyly, responding by arming herself up, the shine of the steel blades mirroring in the glass of her goggles. You found yourself reciprocating seeing the gleam in her eyes, guessing a similar one had made its way into yours.

If she tended to be excessive at times, she was one of the best in the Corps, and working with her was always a great display of teamwork, which you enjoyed. Even though the first times were tiring – because of her tendency to put herself in danger way too often – you had grown to accept she knew what she was doing, and that she could be one of the most serious and smartest people you had ever met when the time needed to be. In her case, it wasn’t all a matter of luck if she managed to stay that long in the Legion.

You turned around, focusing on your subordinates behind. “Petra, I want you to stay as close to me, Linn or Dimitri as you can. If there hasn’t been any incident yet, I can guarantee you there will be some there, be careful.” She nodded, fear hovering her features despite her will to pretend to be certain. Your eyes shifted to Linn and Dimitri, your voice suddenly a bit shaken, low, when you added, “All of you.”

The moment you passed the first house, an explosion resonated behind you, and Hange flew away, squealing in excitement as the rhythm of your heart raced, your fingers trembling around the triggers. Taking in one last long breath, you gave them a squeeze, your feet slipping off the stirrups, and the gas sending you in a swoosh between the houses, the wind hitting your face, the hood slipping off your head. Three explosions followed, and Dimitri was next to you, Linn and Petra close behind.

Your eyes roamed everywhere, any corner of a street, any house, your blood rushing in your temples, ready to meet a titan at any moment. Only a few streets were passed when deafening thuds came to your left, dangerously fast. From the staccato rhythm, you already knew what it was. Fucking crawler. The worst kind. They were the quickest, and most of the time, the most aggressive of the bunch. You met Dimitri’s gaze for a second. He heard it as well, but his fingers worked too slowly on the controls, and the sounds were closing in too fast. With a switch on your own, your hooks pierced the house’s walls behind you. Grabbing at Dimitri’s cloak, you pulled him away. Stumbling onto Linn and Petra as a huge hand just fell right where you previously were, the fingers brushing your face, the harness crushing your ribs painfully hard. The cobblestones burst in pieces as the titan’s hand collided with the road. The wires rolling back around their axes and with another hiss of gas, you were sent up on a roof before one of the rocks or the titan could hit you.

“So that’s where those fuckers were,” you muttered, quickly standing back up, your fists balling around the hilts.

Dimitri scoffed next to you, “They probably waited for us to join the picnic.”

Your eyes shifted behind you, Dimitri and Linn were there with their hands also clenched. Your heart skipped a beat. Petra. You looked down, now able to see the thirty-three feet long quadruped right in front of her, his mouth open, as she just stood there, paralysed.

_ Thud. Thud. Thud. _

You gasped, turning your head to the right. Another hand fell on the roof. The tiles exploding around you as you jumped away, Linn and Dimitri following, meeting the ground with a growl. A sixteen feet one, standing upright, his two brown eyes, placidly looking at you.

“Fuck! Linn, Dimitri, take this one!” you shouted, pointing in its direction.

“Roger!”

You jerked around, Petra leapt away just before the crawler’s hand could catch her, but she was still too low on the ground, the titan just above as it was chasing her. With a pull on the command, your right hook pierced right in one of the titan’s legs. You closed in, slipping right under him, its enormous stomach hovering over you until you were under his chin. Your grip tightened around the controls, and the moment your hook left the thick skin of its leg, your other one pierced its right shoulder, with a louder explosion, you propelled yourself above its head, the wire wrapping around the giant's neck. Hissing and cursing under your breath when your feet met the titan’s back, you cut as deep as could, blood splashing on your face and clothes, the chunk of muscles falling on the side, before the titan’s arms and legs gave up.

Steam floating around, you sighed in relief. A loud thud echoed behind you. You turned around, and the sixteen feet fell just behind you, Linn already cheering and attempting to give Dimitri a high five as they were still in the air. A smirk found its way on your lips, and you looked down where Petra was, behind the thick clouds of steam. You carefully came down from the already decomposing titan’s body, your wires rolling back, your ribs burning as you held a hand to Petra who was on her knees.

“Petra, you need to stand, we can’t stay here.”

She looked frightened, beads of sweat on her forehead, and her eyes wide on the Titans behind. The girl must have had the fear of her life. Sadly, you knew this wouldn’t be the last one, and she would quickly learn that there were many other situations to worry about. She wasn’t dead, everyone was still here. You breathed in, your spirits soothed, and for a moment, you almost forgot what happened two months ago. Maybe Erwin was right. Maybe you too were here for a reason.

Petra nodded quickly, stepping out of her trance and grabbed your hand to steady herself as she stood up.

“You’re alright?” you asked.

Once she was on her feet, she buried her face in her hands. “I’m so sorry, I...T-Thank you, Squad Leader, Thank you. Thank you.”

You sighed heavily. Thanks were the same as salutes. If it was a pain for you to give, the worst was receiving them. You waved at her, turning around to Linn and Dimitri who just landed behind, only to find them, lips pressed, grimacing, as their eyes were fixed on Petra, shimmering, amused. “What?”

Turning back to the redhead, you examined her without understanding the looks she was given. Until your eyes lowered to her pants.

No.

Just. No.

Your eyes widened. Your mouth opened. Linn and Dimitri burst into laughter, as you just stay still, not knowing how to react. You had seen many things in the military, many, many things. But this. You never thought that it would really happen.

“Don’t tell me this is piss, Petra, please,” you begged, but once the smell came to your nostrils, you crinkled your nose, your lips pursing in disgust as you rubbed your temples. The giggles exploded behind you and Linn came next to you, holding her stomach as she bent over. Petra’s face reddened suddenly, and she straightened herself, her eyes wide with embarrassment, blinking away some tears.

Your eyes fell on her legs, and it was hard to hold your own laugh at the damp stain between her legs and running down her thighs. You coughed, trying to stay professional and hold back your snigger. As an act of kindness, and as not to get this _view_ any longer, you quickly undid her cloak to wrapped it back around her hips, hiding the _stain_ , preventing her to get humiliated even more than she already was. You smiled softly at her, stepping back as she looked at the fabric in awe, the tears desperate to fall from her eyes now.

“You lucky girl! You got all the big ones!”

Turning around, you saw Hange, who appeared out of nowhere, kneeled down in front of the crawler, hugging its arm, whining small words of grief as it disappeared into nothingness. Moblit landed next to her, trying to convince her to get back up, visibly embarrassed by his superior’s behaviour. You looked at him, wondering how this poor guy had been able to ‘handle’ her all these years.

When only the skeleton of the titan was left, she finally stood up, wiping an imaginary tear from one of her eyes under her glasses and finally looked at you, her brows furrowing when they landed on Petra.

“What’s up with that cloak?” she queried.

You rolled your eyes, wondering if you should give her a fake excuse or not. She would probably figure out things on her own though, so you answered, blandly, “Nothing. She just pissed herself.”

Hange’s eyes widened, her face flushing as she tried to hold back her laughter, but she quickly gave up and howled as she approached Petra, her hand falling on her shoulder. “Poor thing,” she managed to stutter between a few giggles, “Haha, sorry, I’m not mocking you, this is just...amazing. This is amazing.”

You shook your head in disbelief, not even bothering trying to understand what could be going on inside her head. “And you came for?”

Her amusement faded in an instant as she let go of Petra, turning back to you, raising her pointer finger towards the sky. “Oh yeah, that’s right.” She walked to you, her face back to normal. The number of emotions that could travel her face in a matter of seconds was unbelievable. Exhausting, actually. Amusing at times, but exhausting. “We are done with our side, we checked your surroundings as well, and we haven’t found anything, and Mike and Levi just finished cleaning the area too.”

A small sigh left your lips when you heard Levi’s name, your heart rate quickening sharply under your ribcage.

He’s alive.

“Good,” you replied, keeping your face unperturbed, trying not to show the deep relief you held.

You turned to Dimitri. “You know what to do.”

Within seconds, he reached for a flare on his side, the green particles flowing around you as he shot. You lifted your eyes, noticing a few clouds were starting to swell in the sky before a blue line separated them, pointing in the direction of the village. Retreat. The thuds of the horses already starting to fill your ears, you jumped back on the roof with a hiss of gas, followed by your three subordinates, Hange and Moblit. Your legs giving you up, one of your knees met the tiles, as the sting in your ribs burned down your back. You groaned, straightening up immediately, holding back a few curses, your arm wrapping your side.

“You’re okay, [F/N]?” Hange’s hand fell on your shoulder, her eyes filled with concern. You hated it. The pity again.

You snarled, “Yes.”

Her hand retracted slowly. “Guess that break is much needed, right?”

 

* * *

 

A cold droplet fell on your cheek. The wind chilling your bones, you held the cloak tighter around your body. Your legs waved in the air as you were sat on the edge of a roof, flask in hand, waiting for your subordinates to come back. After Erwin allowed everyone to take a break, Petra ran to the carts, accompanied by Linn and Dimitri, to ask if they might have any clean pants she could change in. However, you highly started to consider the fact you would have to bear the _odour_ for the time you get back, after waiting for about ten minutes now.

If Erwin was still discussing the possibilities of settling the base in the village with his advisors, you impatiently fidgeted your fingers around the fabric, your body still tensed, perfectly knowing that danger could hit back at any moment.

The sky went back to the misty state it was in the night before. Unconsciously, it relieved you a little, but if the rain decided to pour, it would be disadvantageous for all of you in terms of communication, and for your capacity of surveying. You would need to leave soon before it could happen, otherwise, the number of deaths you already had would increase considerably.

From what you heard, a dozen of soldiers lost their lives on the way to the village when the right wing was attacked. Your eyes dropped down on the soldiers mourning, and holding in each other’s arms beneath you, as some bodies were gathered in a cart next to them. If your heart sunk at the sight, you couldn’t take your eyes off them either.

You never saw a corpse before joining the Corps, and the first time you did, the little food you managed to eat in the morning forced its way out of your throat in an acid bile, leaving you throwing up in the middle of the field when the putrid scent of the shredded flesh and bones reached your nostrils. Now, it was expected, normal, each one as awful as the other, but still usual to see. Every time your eyes landed on one, the only thing you could think of was how they ended up in this position.

Did their hooks fail to operate? Did their cut was too shallow? Were they out of gas? Were they too slow? Too confident? Only their mistake remained. You kept them somewhere in your memory, so you could make sure you wouldn’t do the same; so you couldn’t let your comrades do the same.

It was cruel to think like that, and unintentionally and selfishly, you were grateful whenever the name of the fallen was unknown to you. You wished these people would still be alive, but deep down, you preferred it to be them rather than the people you cared for. You dreaded these kinds of thoughts, but it would be a lie to say the contrary; to pretend that all deaths had the same meaning to you. And in the end, even if no one dared to say it, everyone felt like this.

“What the fuck are you thinking about?”

You stiffened when the voice snapped, before loosening again when you recognised it. Your frown becoming a soft smile, as the quiet thumps reached your side, you turned your face, lifting your eyes to meet his features, your heart racing when you met the grey orbs. His expression was placid, his blades still in hand, ready to act in case there would be another assault, but his gaze was soft when it fell to your lips, and the smile lifting them.

“Nothing.”

You tilted your head back down, your smirk dropping, suddenly uncomfortable and aware that if you kept your eyes any longer on him, the want to reach for him would become hard to restrain. But you had to admit you were glad he came, so you could see yourself that he was still here; that nothing happened to him.

Levi turned, facing the same direction as you did, before he said, blandly, “So you earned a shitter.”

“Huh?”

He snorted, the small sigh sending a shiver down your spine. It was so rare to hear it – the quietest and faintest of laughter, and every time you heard it, you couldn’t help the goosebumps that covered your skin. It was always when you tried to keep your distances that his actions, as small and tempting they were, became impossible to ignore.

“Eld saw her when he went to get a refill.”

You rolled your eyes, sighing heavily. You felt abashed for Petra, but also because you knew that you would receive the mocking and the teasing of the others veterans as much as she would receive them from the other cadets.

“She isn’t a shitter. She’s a pisser,” you specified, somehow hoping it would make things better.

“Oh. That’s disappointing.”

You chuckled, immediately cut by the throb in your ribs, trying to hold back the grimace on your face. You didn’t want him to worry any more than he already did. If you tried to believe he wouldn’t need you, you refused to rely on him either, not in this situation anyway. He had enough to think about.

“How are you feeling?”

Taking a sip of water, hoping it would heal your insides, you muttered, not really convincingly, “I’m okay. It just...hurts. A bit.”

Levi clicked his tongue, but you couldn’t tell if it was because of your poor attempt to lie to him or because of the rain that just suddenly started to fall on the village, the drops clattering on the tiles of the roof. One fell on your lips this time, and your fingers reached to wipe it, the warmth of your own hand recalling you the events of this morning. Your heart clenched as you remembered the sensation, still tickling the flesh.

You didn’t know how to feel about this, maybe that was a mistake, maybe it was just his own odd way to convince you to stay alive, some kind of threat. But it held so many things, so many feelings. It scared you, you weren’t used to this, but at the same time, you just wanted to reach again, to sense it one more time, see if it was still intact, if all these things were still there – the look in his eyes, the taste of his lips, everything.

You slipped the hood of his cloak back on, wrapping it even closer around your body, the fabric clinging to your form as if it was your second skin, wishing that its warmth could replace his. But it wasn’t enough anymore, you were still cold, empty, missing something.

Within a few minutes, as you both kept silent, it was pouring, and as you watched the rain fall, your eyes slowly shifted to Levi’s form. His eyes were straight on the horizon, squinted, looking everywhere and nowhere all at once. The deep crescents they were normally resting onto were fainter today, the skin still veiny and hollow, but somehow plainer, clearer. If the furrow of his brows and the purse of his lips were giving him a detached stance, he looked rested almost, relaxed.

But then, as you focused again on the stormy orbs, you realised there was something laying behind those eyes, something you couldn’t quite depict because it was the first time he wore it, but if there was one thing you were sure of, it was that you hated it. You followed his gaze, that had fallen on the corpses under you, then lifted somewhere on the foggy sky.

It was raining when his friends died. Farlan and Isabel, you recalled. He never talked about them, ever, almost as if they never even existed. You remembered seeing them close, though. And as disdainful as Levi was at the time, that was when he was around them that you started to think he may not be that bad, that there may be something good in him. You never talked to them, but now, you wished you did, so you could know if they were seeing the same thing in him than you did, and so you could know what _he_ was seeing in them. You wondered if it still hurt as much, after four years, was he holding it against him? Did he think he was responsible for it? If a clear sky what was remained you your failure, was it a cloudy one for Levi? Did he recall their deaths every time his eyes landed on it? Or that a drop of rain fell on him?

You wished you could do something, ease his pain as much as he managed to ease yours. But he would never show it, and he probably would never let you do it either. He kept acting as if nothing happened, that he forgot about it. Deep down, you knew it was impossible. It was still here, but maybe it was his own way of feeling better. If it helped him, you didn’t have the right to come around and remember him everything he had lost, by apologising or comforting him, when he probably didn’t need it anymore. However, if it ever happened, if he ever needed it, no matter what could happen, you knew you would be there, just because he deserved it, probably more than anyone else.

You stood up, quite stumblingly, raising up from the edge of the roof, as Levi turned his face to you, suddenly brought back into reality. You sighed heavily, the small breath fanning into a small fog in front of you. “I hope Erwin will order to return soon, it’s fucking freezing in here.”

You could feel his eyes, peering at you from their corner. He didn’t answer, not even a hum. You raised your brows, turning your face to him, as he was half scowling half ogling you, unblinking. 

What the fuck is that?  “You’re staring, Levi.”

Suddenly, he closed in, one of his hand on your waist, the flask in yours falling somewhere, as he turned you around so your back would face the soldiers. He pushed you on the other side of the roof, hiding behind you, the inclination of the roof making your lips level his eyes, as he just gazed at them, deliberately.

What the fuck is _that_?  There were about twenty soldiers just beneath you, and even if there was no one on any of the houses around, it would just take them a lift of their chin to see how close you two were. Linn and Dimitri making assumptions was already enough, you didn’t want the whole Regiment to do so as well, especially when you didn’t know yourself what you—

“You’re so much trouble.”

He was doing it again, that thing where he just decided to become irresistible just to mess up with your mind. Your hands were itching, and you didn’t know what to do with them. What he was saying didn’t even manage to be processed by your brain. He was too close, his small hot sighs blowing on your neck, his eyes fixed on your lips as you tried to come up with a word, a breath, anything.

“I can’t fucking focus when you’re around.”

His hand left you and his gaze dropped to your throat as you gulped. This came out harshly, irritatingly, and you stilled. His expression was blank again, and you had no idea what it was supposed to mean.

“Neither when you’re not.”

It was still harsh, but this time the meaning was there. He turned his face, averting his eyes from you, but his body didn’t move, mere inches from yours. He looked...ashamed, as if he already was regretting the words that just came out of his mouth. He was opening up again, and he despised it, but he couldn’t hold back either. Your lips parted. Your heart ached, pounding so loud in your ears you were sure he could hear it this time.

Before he could step back, frustrated by your lack of answer, confidence rushed through your veins and your hands fell on his neck, forcing him on you, the blood throbbing under your palms. One thing you learned from all of this time spent with him, was that if he perfectly knew how to hide his feelings behind his stoic mask, his insides always betrayed him, always.

You shifted closer, lowering a little so your lips just brushed his, a shaky breath left them, the warmth seeping into your own. You looked at him for a moment, the droplets of rain running in his hair, the steel of his eyes matching with the sky, his own parted lips, the confusion and desire wrapped over his features as he roamed your face, seeking for anything that could tell him what you were thinking, if what you were about to do was as wanted on your side as it was on his.

Not caring about what was going on around you anymore, about the soldiers a few feet away from you or the world you were in, you whispered, “Guess that’s a common issue, then.”

He gripped your sides the moment the words left your mouth, all the shock on his face leaving the place to lust. You stumbled against him, his hands preventing you from falling as his body collided with yours, the hard muscles under his clothes pinning you in place. But just before his lips could crash on your own, a shot fired throughout the sky, then two, then three.

Hands leaving each other, you jumped, the rhythm of your heart racing, for an all other reason this time. Levi growled next to you, and you turned around to see all the soldiers running and shouting on the ground, some flying around, passing you as they all headed towards the opening of the village, the red flares fading between the clouds.

Your blood ran cold, your knees almost failing to keep you up when a soldier shouted, 

“They destroyed the carts!”


	14. Thirteenth

The pounding of your heart was blindfolding, deafening. Your vision clouded, stamped in tiny black specks, the pictures blurrier and blurrier, the buzz in your ears ringing, all the racket, all the voices, muffled. Levi was speaking, shouting even. Out of the stifled din, it was the only thing you could hear. Still, it was all just syllables, noises, without any articulated words in there – none you could discern. It was just another layer on the nauseous pile of feelings you already had. You prayed for silence, utter and irrevocable. One you could relish in, and that might end up freeing you.

When the iron taste of blood reached the buds of your tongue, your teeth eventually let go of your cheek, leaving your fingers wiping the small crimson drops that had fallen on your lips, instantly washed off by the stream of cool water falling from the sky.

A pair of silver eyes met yours and your sight finally cleared, piercing and horrified, desperate to find any semblance of life inside your own. You didn’t notice Levi was shaking you until your gaze fell on his hands – the curtain completely lifting – gripping the cloak, drenched on your shoulders. The blades he was previously holding were back in their sheaths, the little scratches and cracks scarring the steel of the boxes – probably gotten from a fall, a stumble, or a hit. Your brows furrowed, your eyes squinting when they went back to their owner’s, surprised to find it was still Levi standing there. It didn’t make sense. Levi never fell, he never stumbled, and he never got hit.

His hands dropped back to his sides when you opened your mouth, his frown deeper than you had ever seen it. He looked disoriented and, probably for the first time in his life, he didn’t know what to do. The voice that came out of your throat was torn, ragged. _They destroyed the carts. There are no supplies left._ “That’s where they are...” _Everyone is dead._

You turned around, and your stare fell on a soldier hobbling on the ground. Two arms were encircling his neck limply, and the blood soaking his clothes wasn’t steaming away. Without you could stop it, your eyes kept following him as he passed the house you were standing on, giving you a full view of what was clinging on his back.

A man. Whom the lower part of his body was missing, leaving trails of thick red fluid behind them, his guts swaying in the wind. He was surely dead by now but, who was seemingly his friend, kept holding him like his only purpose in life was to never let him fall.

For a moment, you saw yourself in him, the one who fiercely carried the rests of his comrade, who probably thought at some point that his own life had less meaning than his friend’s. But unlike him, as resolute your will to drag the people you loved out of danger was, they always slipped away from your grasp, as if the blood coating your fingers could never allow you to keep them in for too long.

Erwin’s voice resounded like thunder from the bottom of the house, his men behind, all on the back of their horses. “We’re returning. Now!”

In an instant, you snapped out of your daze. _He can’t be serious._ You leapt off the roof, all your bones crushing as you collided with the ground, not even giving a wince or caring about the pain anymore. Forcing him to come to a stop, you landed just in front of him, his horse neighing, tapping the soil with his hooves. As you looked up to Erwin, the creases between your brows started to ache. He was serious.

“My soldiers are over there, Erwin.”

No answer. Just the familiar placid look again. It didn’t matter. He didn’t care. If the carts were destroyed, and if there truly were no supplies left, you couldn’t lose the little resources remained by trying to kill those Titans. It was understandable. It was the safest choice.

Your hands grabbed the controls on your sides before inserting the pieces of steel into them. Six left. For three Titans. If the count was right and if there weren’t any hidden somewhere, patiently waiting to have a bite of their next meal – you, in this case. It was possible, but it was also easy to botch a cut and blunt your blades for nothing. Not enough momentum, a bad angle, the tiniest distraction. And you weren’t allowed to miss there. The rhythm of your heart thrummed harder than ever, and for a second, you were lost.

Levi appeared next to you, squeezing your arm, roughly, glaring and menacing. He refused you to go, and you wanted to comply; to do as he wished, so his eyes could return to the state they were in just moments prior the signals were sent. But _they_ were still there, you knew it, and you couldn’t leave them.

“There is no time for this.”

Erwin was right – you had lost enough already. Your jaw, your fists clenched, the hesitation you held gone. You made up your mind, and not Levi, or even your Commander could make it change. And if there was someone – more than anyone else in the entire Regiment – who was able to perceive whenever you forbid your will to decline, it was Erwin.

He exhaled sharply, dropping his shoulders in defeat. “I give you a few minutes. After that, we are leaving.”

You nodded quickly, firmly, the gesture acting as an acknowledgement of the fact that he was trusting you. When Erwin galloped his way to the opening of the village, and the moment Levi’s hand left you, with a switch on your remotes, the gas sent you back to a roof, as you raced to the south, in direction of the flares. 

You jumped from house to house, mostly using your hooks to launch you away, relying on the smallest amount of gas as you could. You used about a quarter of it when you entered the village and dealt with the crawler. If what you had left should be enough for now, you couldn’t waste any of it when it could become useful in fighting.

Within seconds, just before you could leap again, your feet barely touching the edge of the roof, Levi was in front of you, blocking your way, snapping, “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”

You skirted him, not wanting to keep on with this any longer, but before your fingers could pull the trigger, his hand was crushing the muscles of your arm once more, painfully this time. You jerked away, hissing as he realised he accidentally put more force into the action than what he may have wished.

“How do you know there’s still people there?”

For a moment, it was almost as if you were back to being mere colleagues again. The look on his face was killing you. He was unreadable, distant – _too_ distant – his eyes avoiding, hidden by the dripping strands of hair falling over them, the tone of his voice flat, monotonic, no emotion passing by in a flash, nothing. Your fists balled, knuckles going white, to the point where you wondered if you would ever be able to open them again.

There was no way you could know, but there was something inside you that was saying they were still alive. Maybe it was just denial, maybe you just refused to face the reality but, your instincts were often right, and today, more than ever, you wanted to believe they were.

Your shoulders fell despite the tension knotted in them, and you whispered, “I don’t.”

Lying was useless with him. What you wanted was him to trust you, as much as Erwin was trusting you now. You needed it. If the feelings you both held – whatever they could be – were real, then it was time to prove it.

Levi clicked his tongue, lowering his head to the side, but before he could reply, you added, “But I have to go.”

His eyes shifted to yours behind the black strands, the scowl finally softening, even if it was just for a second before he hummed, irritated. It wasn’t all about trust with him, he already did – trust you – way more than he first anticipated. Unlike Erwin, Levi was worried, scared maybe. It wasn’t your ability to stay alive he was putting in doubt. It was your life, simply. Because he knew as much as you did how easy it was even for an experienced soldier to lose it in battle. He had seen it too, _many_ times.

Swiftly, he armed himself up, and in an instant, he was gone, making his way towards the fading signals, leaving you bewildered on the edge of the roof. Of course. He wouldn’t leave you alone in this. He _had_ to interfere, make sure you would come back from this. _Fucking Levi._

Before any trace of him could disappear in the mist of the flooding rain, you reached his level with a burst of gas. “Get back with the rest of the formation!” you shouted.

Levi’s face turned, glowering over his shoulder at your attempt of ordering him around before he went back to what was going on in front of him, pointedly ignoring you. Following him, you sighed heavily when you realised that if he couldn’t do anything to make you change your mind, there was no way you could try and do the same with his either.

“Your men are not the only ones there, [F/N].”

That’s right. Eld and Gunther didn’t come back to him. Maybe they just didn’t know where he went and caught up with everyone else. But if they went to get a refill earlier, then they might still be around as well. If seeing your comrades die in front of you was torturous, having them lose their lives when you couldn’t be there to protect them was nothing compared. And Levi knew this – way too well.

As you kept advancing, your sight was clouded by the fog surrounding you. When your eyes lifted to the horizon, you realised none of the soldiers there could have seen the danger coming because of the grey, thick curtain enclosing the village. Just before you reached the place where the carts were gathered, thuds echoed throughout the streets, coming from just ahead of you, making the tiles you were standing on tremble. Levi’s grip tightened on his controls, flipping back one of the blades, preparing himself for the kill.

The wind wiped your face as your eyes fell on the ground, the hood on your head falling. A shiver shook your spine, goosebumps covering every inch of your skin at the familiar sight, and the putrid scent again. The soldiers beneath you were drowned in puddles of both water and blood, impaled with pieces of wood, metal, bones sticking out, skulls smashed.

Unlike what you were used to seeing, most of them didn’t have a limb missing, or a part of their body ripped off. They were whole, but for the few people you were able to get a glance of the face, the lifeless look in their eyes was holding the same fear you had seen so often, conscious their last moment had come. Your own roamed over the sea of corpses, the destroyed carts, the bottles of gas and blades, bent, exploded, crushed. Your heart stopping every time you met a pair of amber or brown eyes, praying the next ones you would see wouldn’t be _theirs._

Behind the cloudy air, a figure appeared, about fifty feet tall, just before you. Levi prepared himself to jump, as you adjusted your commands, your hooks ready to pierce right in the titan’s stomach, giving you access to both its arms and legs if it decided to take a move. Before Levi could fly away, his feet barely off the tiles, the titan reduced the little space between the three of you. Fast. Your wires exploded, the gas sending you up to its shoulder as one of its hands seemed to run up for a strike. But as you were in mid-air, ready to give the cut, Levi just passing you in direction of its nape, it fell, right on the roof you stood on, colliding head first with it.

“What is that shithead doing?”

Levi moved right in front of you, one of his blade acting as a barrier, preventing you from getting any closer to the titan’s silhouette. Steam whipped your face in an instant, burning your eyes and throat, leaving you coughing, the asphyxiating air filling up your lungs, as Levi pushed you up and away.

The titan was a few feet under you now, and the picture was finally getting clearer, his knees were chopped, his head fuming. He was dead. But when your eyes landed on Levi’s blades, there wasn't any blood on it, and as quick of a cleaner he was, there was no way he could have wiped them before sending you up in a safe place. His back stiffened in front of you, the tendons under the skin of his neck tensed before his face turned to you, questioning as he seemed to have understood the same thing you did.

Out of the vapour, a flash of ginger hair passed by, walking to one of the corners of the roof, the steam coming from the titan’s legs surrounding her. 

“Petra…”

Your eyes narrowed, scrutinising her form, making sure it was her and not some illusion played by your brain. The golden eyes, the same frightful but trying-to-look-confident stance, there was no doubt – it was her. You sighed, relieved. At least she was still alive, and if she managed to, then Linn and Dimitri probably should be alright as well. Within seconds, a dark-haired man was on her side, your heart pounding before you realised it wasn’t who you expected it to be. Gunther, and Eld following close behind, the two cheering her, their blades painted in red, as they came from the bottom of the house. They must have been the ones to slit the articulations, while Petra went for…the _nape_?

Levi relaxed a little in front of you before you overtook him, landing on the roof, less smoothly than you envisioned, the pain in your ribcage becoming less and less ignorable, reeling and draining.

“Squad Leader!”

You jolted upright, taking in her face, the drenched strands of hair draping around it, and all the things laid behind her wide eyes. Pride. The one you get from your first kill, but also the sorrow and terror, coming from the first time you experience what it really is like to go outside. She knew it now, and you knew yourself, that from now on, a part of her was lost, replaced by something she would never be able to reject fully. Once you see death; it stays with you.

Levi reached your side the moment your eyes moved to the titan slouched on the roof, his arms hanging on each side of the house, before shifting back to Petra. “You did this?” you queried.

She flinched a little, her brows raising before she shook her head hurriedly. “Yes, Sir!”

To say the least, you were impressed. After what happened earlier when she met the crawler, she improved, and a lot faster than you awaited. Your hand fell on her shoulder, patting it softly as a congratulation. Turning your face to Levi’s subordinates, you gave them a small nod, perfectly aware that if they weren’t here to help her out, this might not would have been possible.

“Thank you.”

Their eyes widened a bit, probably taken by surprise before they returned the small gesture, smiling softly. But the sting in your heart was still sharp, your eyes roaming over the houses around, trying to get a catch of Linn or Dimitri.

No one. Not even a sound.

“How is it?” Levi asked, his voice grave, floating over the soft taps of the rain on the tiles.

You turned back slowly to the three cadets before you, their faces suddenly growing darker, pinning you back into the severity of the situation. You knew exactly what this meant. There weren’t any survivors.

“There’s about thirty people lost. Pretty much all the stocks have been damaged, but we’ve eliminated the three titans with the help of Burchard, Beckker and Ral. This one is the last—” Eld answered.

You stopped him right after hearing Linn and Dimitri’s names. “Where are they?”

The couple of seconds he took to reply felt like an eternity, the blood rushing through your veins, painfully hammering down your temples, the little air in your lungs burning, itching.

“She’s hurt.”

Every hair on your body raised when the words left his mouth, as you recoiled, examining each of Eld, Gunther and Petra’s faces. They looked too apologising for it to be something superficial. It was bad, but she was still alive. You tried to hold on to that. Levi’s hand grazed your back, aching to give you some comfort, just a second before it retracted and Eld continued, “One of the bottles exploded next to her when the Titans crushed them down, she received a piece in her stomach. Beckker is with her right now.”

Dimitri. He was still here too. Everyone was still here. For now, at least. But bringing Linn would probably be difficult. You weren’t far away from the Walls, still, if she was losing too much blood, what if she...or what if it was already too late? 

The only thing you were grateful for was that they ran into Eld and Gunther. There was no doubt why Levi chose them. If they would have left Petra with Linn and they encountered a titan, their chances of surviving would have been nonexistent, but Dimitri was able to protect the two of them, and Petra had far more of a chance of making it alive if she took action with a group. They foresaw the situation cleverly, but once again, in such little time, they were the ones having to save you.

“ _Where_ are they?” you hissed.

“In a house nearby,” Gunther replied, as they all straightened up, anticipating the order that would ensue.

Levi moved in front of you again, his shoulder brushing yours, composed, focused when he commanded, “We get them, then we leave. Erwin is waiting for us to take a departure.”

After giving their captain a firm nod, Eld and Gunther rushed to the south as you followed them. Petra was next to you, and when you turned to get a glance of her face, she looked ready to choke on her stifled whimpers. She was presumably holding it against herself. If she didn’t have to go to the carts maybe they would all be safe now. But she couldn’t know they would destroy all of it, or that Linn would stand in the wrong place at the wrong moment. They would have gone there to get a refill anyway, or just pass by the area when it occurred. Maybe it was just how it was supposed to happen. She, and you couldn’t thwart it because there was no way you could predict it.

“It’s not your fault.”

Her glazed eyes moved to yours, quickly averting to the ground, falling onto the corpses beneath. Your own lowered, and your heart skipped a beat when they dropped on a blonde, her hair sticking to her face, her brown eyes still, her spine curved as a piece of wood transpierced her front. For a second, it was Linn you were seeing, and as dreadful the sight was, it wasn’t surprising either. You were already expecting it, find her and Dimitri in this house, already dead.

“They’re alright.”

You had to say it, try to comfort her; comfort yourself, even if you couldn’t believe in it. How many times did you lie to her? How many times did you try to protect her from the cruelty of the reality? But, you still couldn’t put yourself to crush her own hopes yet just because yours were all lost now.

After a few moments, Eld and Gunther landed in front of a door. The house crumbling, but the foundations still intact. The second your feet touched the ground, you pushed them to the side, slipping your blades back into their sheaths, your hand trembling on the knob, breath itching before you finally raced inside.

They appeared in the middle of what was seemingly the living room, the dim light only allowing you to picture their silhouettes, but the dark puddle under Linn’s form, laying on the ground, was perfectly bright, the few rays of light coming from the window behind them making it shine, sparkle almost. You didn’t realise you were holding your breath until Dimitri’s shadow turned to you, whispering your name. You couldn’t move, transfixed by the faint panting filling the room, overpowering despite the rain drumming on top of your heads. Not able to breathe in just yet, you forced your shaky legs to take a move.

It only took you a few steps to be in front of them, gasping, your knees giving up. Dimitri’s eyes were glistening, his lips set in a grim line, his cloak in hand, pressed on Linn’s stomach. He shook his head a little, gulping and furrowing his brows. _She won’t make it_. You slammed your eyes shut, trying to gather some sort of courage to look at her, the scent of her blood filling your nostrils, your head spinning when your hands fell somewhere on the floor between you and her, the already cool liquid seeping into the fabric on your knees, the pads of your fingers.

When you found the force to open your eyes, your gaze fell on your blood-coated hands. A sight you were too used to see, but now, instead of the pain you felt every time it happened, something boiled inside of you, lightning, sending your whole body upright. In an instant, without you could stop yourself, you were on top of Linn, your knees still on the wet floor, but your hands now on the collar of her jacket, gripping, shaking.

“You little shit. Stand up, now.”

Her face was hollow, ghostly white, small drops of what was probably both rain and sweat, dripping on the sides of her face. She groaned a little, and Dimitri gasped next to you. Deep down, you knew it won’t be enough, that none of the things you could do would prolong her lifeline, not without any resources or medical help. But you refused to admit it. She had to stay awake, for the time you bring her back.

Your hands grabbed the cloak left on her stomach, rolling it quickly before wrapping it around her waist. You knotted it on top of the wound, open, swelling, still bleeding runningly, and squeezed as hard and as suddenly as you could, your shoulders screaming from the unexpected and forceful movement. Her body tensed, her eyes opening slightly, hissing as her back arched at the pain. You were getting there, but her eyes were already starting to close again. Your jaw clenched, and as one of your hand pressed roughly on the wound, your other met her cheek, the strike echoing throughout the entirety of the house. With trails of blood smeared on her cheek, hiding the bruising skin beneath, she gritted her teeth, hissing again and one of her eyes half-opened, scowling at you.

“Fuck off, [F/N].”

It was so faint, barely a whisper, but in this moment, you just wanted to laugh, let the pressure drive away like it had been years without hearing her, seeing some life back into her face. Before her eyes could shut again, you went back on your feet, placing her arm on your shoulder, Dimitri quickly doing the same on her other side, his face lighter, the shadow of a smile on his lips.

“Shut up, and hold on until we are back and I swear I’ll let you have a payback,” you said, giving a nod to Dimitri, lifting her up in a swift moment. 

Linn cried out, biting on her bottom lip to muffle the sounds. When they faded, and she seemed to get used to the sensation, she scoffed, “Really?”

The weight of her body crushed your ribs agonisingly, making your knees shake uncontrollably, but you couldn’t care less right now. If you had to fall so she could stay up, then it was worth it. Smiling half-heartedly, you whispered, “If that’s all it takes, yes.”

Her hand gripped the fabric of your cloak weakly and she snorted, “Oh...That’s a good reason to keep living then.”

As she started to mumble small words dealing with your offer – which she seemed a bit too impatient about, even in the state she was in – you turned your face to Dimitri. “Are you hurt? Can you take her on your back?”

Instantly, without even answering, Linn had her arms wrapped around his neck, as his hands were behind her knees, supporting her easily, earning small complaints and insults from her when he mocked about how ‘heavy’ she was.

Levi’s voice resonated from the front door. “You three, get the horses now.”

When you turned around, Eld, Gunther and Petra were already rushing, gone in a flash, Levi watching you from the doorframe, as you let Dimitri and Linn pass you to get outside. You didn’t move, staying for a moment in the middle of the room as your legs seemed not able to stop trembling. Closing your eyes, you rubbed one of your temples, trying to regain the steady breathing you only realised you had lost when your own ragged one filled the room instead of Linn’s, forgetting for a moment Levi was here until you heard the clinging sound of his blades being slipped back into the steel boxes as he moved in front of you.

His fingers wrapped around your wrist, bringing it back to your side as your eyes fluttered open to look at him, relaxed and concentrated when he pushed your hair away from your face, rubbing the handkerchief he had in hand on your temple.

You had no idea how he always managed to do this but, for the moment he held the fabric on your skin, his fingers tangled in your hair, you forgot about Linn being hurt, Dimitri being lost, and your own suffering, as the air seemed to have reappeared somehow into your lungs, matching with his quiet and steady sighs.

When he folded the small white cloth back in his pocket, you noticed the red stains on it. Linn’s blood. You watched your hands, the crimson liquid inking the lines of your palms in a dark brown crust. You gulped, but before the tears could prickle at the corner of your eyes, Levi moved his hand to the top of your head, ruffling your wet hair gently, patting and massaging your scalp.

Slowly, you bowed your head so your forehead fell on the base of his neck, warm and throbbing. The patting stopped for a second, only to be replaced by soft even strokes on your nape. You breathed him in for a moment, his scent hidden by the one of the rain, but still fresh, comforting. 

Reluctantly, you pulled away, glancing at the window next to you, Linn and Dimitri’s back behind facing you. Your eyes went back to Levi, and as his lips opened to say something, you cut him by placing your own on them, this time being the one who unconsciously feared not to be able to do it again. He returned the kiss softly, his grip on your neck tightening just a bit before letting you go, leaving a small breath blowing on your lips, his hand falling between your shoulder blades to guide you outside, patiently following you until you passed the door.

Levi moved next to you when you were outside, looking on his left, tensed, waiting for the others to come back as you held your palms up, letting the rain wash the blood on them. Sighing heavily, you turned around as Dimitri walked in circles in the middle of the street, giving Linn’s legs a few squeezes, bouncing around, probably trying his best to keep her awake. Until he halted abruptly, his eyes widening, jerking around to face you. Your heart raced, noticing Linn’s arms had slipped from Dimitri’s neck to her sides, completely limp.

“[F/N]...”

The buzz in your ears was back again, all the sounds muted around you except Dimitri’s voice, everything whirling, your throat contracting, choking, the air held in your ribcage leaving you.

“She isn’t breathing.”

In a blur, there was a hand falling on Dimitri, trapping both him and Linn in its hold. The moment you seized your hilts, Levi passed you in a flash, but the trickles of blood still splashed on your face, the only sound filling your ears was still the one of cracking bones, and the other hand you saw from the corner of your eye was still coming for him.


	15. Fourteenth

Without you even had time to comprehend your body was moving, your hands clasped the controls on the side of your legs. Out of the fog, the drizzle melded with the spatters of blood erupting from the titan’s teeth. It tinted the rain in a faded pink as it plunged from the clouds, contrasting with the homogeneous grey surrounding you, and maybe it could have been beautiful in another situation or if it would have been some kind of natural phenomenon, but it wasn’t peaceful, nor was it beautiful. It was everything you were afraid of, and it was just falling on you again.

The titan gulped, the thick lump sliding down its throat, suddenly making all your muscles tense, your mind shut, only allowing you a brief second of doubt before they decided to take the move for you. Not even a scream echoed. It was too sudden for that. But the last spark of life you saw in Dimitri’s eyes was a sight you knew would haunt you forever. There wasn’t any fear laid behind them, only relief. And it made your heart sank when for this fraction of time you were able to wonder if, after everything that happened, maybe he was waiting for it. 

Wasn’t it the case for everyone? To hope that your suffering would come to an end someday? Maybe you hoped for it too, and maybe that was what pushed you to do what you were about to do. No matter how itching your hands were to rip that throat apart, there was still someone you couldn’t let go of yet.

When the titan appeared from the corner of the house, and when it wolfed Linn and Dimitri in only one bite, Levi bolted towards them, his blades barely in hand when he propelled himself up. But what you both failed to see, was the other thirty feet tall specimen coming just behind, Levi ambushed between the two, gigantic fingers just grazing his wire when the hook pierced the neck of Linn and Dimitri’s killer.

He was going in too fast, already engaged in a spin, not able to retreat his catch or to slow down. Either he followed his path to eliminate his target, taking the risk to be grabbed by the other one, or he shunted away from them, probably to end up being ensnared anyway. In all cases, even if he managed to kill the first one, he wouldn’t be able to dodge the remaining’s grip. His wire would take too much time to roll its way back around its axe, and it was what would cause him to be at the titan’s mercy. But Levi was not the type to avoid a kill. He was closing on the titan’s weak spot, not wavering despite the fist balling on his cable.

You perfectly knew how this will end, it was exactly what happened to you two months ago. Yes, you had a plan, and yes, you thought you would manage to get away somehow too. But there weren’t many ways to do so here. Just like Adrian’s sacrifice was the only option to save your life, you hoped yours would do the same for Levi’s.

His hilts were held firmly under his fingertips, if you approached too close to push him away, he would inevitably slash you in two, and unlike what Adrian did for you, you couldn’t deprive him of his wire, not when there were already barely any resources to hold on to, and not when you didn’t even have time to draw your blades completely. So, with nothing but sheer instinct, you pulled your triggers, and with a burst of gas that thundered throughout the whole street, your body struck against the titan’s hand.

The cracks of Linn and Dimitri’s bones were replaced by your own as you collided with the wall of flesh, a strangled cry receding from your lips, the air knocked out of your lungs and almost feeling the fissures of your ribs opening up again, your insides rattling, gagging on your own heart as it seemed to make its way up your throat.

Just like you anticipated it, the impact, endured with such force, diverted the hand from its trajectory. Levi was safe from it, but its attention was on you now. In a flying movement, just before you could manoeuvre anywhere out of the strike, your fingers frightfully trying to work on the remotes, the back of the titan’s palm hit your body again.

Levi shouted your name when your spine smashed against the wall of a house behind, and despite how full of dread his voice was, it brought you a bit of comfort the moment you bumped on the ground.

The pain dazzled you, pulsating relentlessly into every vein of your body, begging to explode, release the fire that raged inside your ribcage and absolutely every single one of your bones. From the corner of your eye, you could see Levi had moved to the hand that knocked you down, forgetting his previous target for a moment, his wires blasting in the titan’s shoulder as he gashed its arm in pieces before he veered in direction of its neck.

Your eyes lidded, your body somehow relaxing a little, a shaky sigh leaving your lips, serene. Because at least, _he_ was alive. It didn’t matter that Linn and Dimitri’s killer was coming for you now, that it kneeled down in front of you to take you in his grasp, obviously planning on giving you the same fate as them. Maybe _that_ was you hoped for – not to die for nothing. And maybe that was what Dimitri hoped for too. That if he kept supporting Linn until the end, then he could leave in peace. Maybe that was why there was so much relief in his eyes and how relieved you felt yourself now. Indeed, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad – to die for someone you love.

A breeze fluttered on your face, brushing away the strands of hair that had fallen on your eyes. The warmth of the titan’s fingers closing on you, protecting you from the droplets of rain, as screams started to fill your ears. They were coming from the ground floor. Deafening, but still distant, the sight you had in front of you way more worthy of your heed than all the insults the man and the woman beneath were spitting at each other. You were used to it now, _too_ used to it probably.

How many punches were thrown on the walls? How many glasses were shattered on the floor? There was a time where you counted them actually, where you would keep that one sheet of paper and write down everything, from the time of the day to the words told to the acts done. It was a game. And the goal was to make sure you would never have to take another sheet – it _all_ had to fit in this one and _only_ this one. 

But the day came where there wasn’t any more place left, the words spilt on the desk, the paper turned black, and you lost. So you stopped counting, and you stopped listening.

You were nine, ten maybe. It had been months since your father left, but that day, out of nowhere, and trying to pretend it was to see you he had come, he walked home. But just when your mother opened the door, it all started again. The yells filling back the house instead of the silence you and the woman shared. However, it was all piddling. The bird on the windowsill had been here for what felt like hours now, chirping and head tilting as he found a shelter from the pouring rain. Only the large piece of glass was separating you from touching him, and you stayed there, standing still, your arms crossed on the edge of the window, not daring to take a move in fear he could fly away, observing in wonder.

The tips of his beige feathers flew in the wind, his coat all ruffled when he shook his small body, flapping his wings to get the last drops of water out of his plumage. The fact that he dared to land on your window, unafraid and tranquil, when you were there, a predator, just behind, was inexplicable. Normally, birds would fly away when you would get too close, but this one didn’t. 

All it would take would be a tap on the window to force him to run back under the cold rain, and for a moment, you hesitated, wanting to know what he would do if you did it. Will he go? Or will he stay? But the thought of seeing him disappear was too terrifying for you to take this risk. So you didn’t flinch, not moving until his singing, along with the soft drum of the rain, lulled you to sleep, for one of the rarest time in your life, not feeling _as_ alone, and the giant's fingers were just grazing your form when Levi finished his kill, already shunting to the titan in front of you. 

_Why now?_

Why did you have to remember something like _this_ now? You weren’t going to die, after all. Not when Levi was around and only one titan had to be taken down. You knew it. It wasn’t your life passing by in a flash before your eyes, and somehow, it was _disappointing_.

It wasn’t something memorable, or that had importance compared to everything you lived since then. So _why_ was there this inalienable part of you that was comforted to know you would be able to survive and remember it? It didn’t make sense. Maybe you invented it. Maybe it was just a dream.

This was how it always worked in this world. People came and flew away before your eyes. This bird ended leaving you alone in the end, even despite your attempt to do everything in your power to avoid it. Even _them_. They were gone, and you hated it. You hated the fact that their faces were the only ones you could see when there were dozens of corpses piled throughout the streets. You hated how void you felt and how the gashes in your heart were only carving a touch deeper. You saw it already. You were waiting for it, after all. You just waited for your hands, barely cleaned, to be stained again.

Your body knew how to respond to the pain, it was feeling it, the thumping of your heart so quick and so loud its rhythm was just like one forceful breathless beat. But your mind couldn’t respond. Not here. Not now.

It was your survival instinct speaking, your fingers – intended to do this now – tightened on the hilts, your arms swinging with as much power you could give as blood flooded on you. If you really had to stay alive, you didn’t want it to be thanks to anyone this time. You had to do this on your own.

Just before the steaming hand could fall on you, one of your hooks exploded in the titan’s throat, as you reeled and landed between its shoulder blades, inches below his neck.

The harness squeezed your body painfully, your legs trembling as they supported you, hanging on the titan’s back. Levi would have to stop, he would inevitably touch you if he kept rushing in direction of its nape. Letting him slash the other hand trying to reach you, you waited for him until he landed next to you. 

In an instant, his hands were on your cloak, wrath floating behind his stormy orbs, shouting, “What kind of shit were you trying to do, [F/N]?”

You looked at him blandly, drained, hurt and tired, blinking slowly, shakily drawing your stare away from him as you unclipped your blades, letting them fall on the ground before replacing them with intact ones. You didn’t care about resources anymore. You had to get this done, and done well.

Fingers working on the commands, you set everything perfectly, taking your time to make sure you would be able to give the monster you were standing on what it deserved. You could kill it right away if you wanted to, but it would be too lenient, and there was no place for pity in here.

“It was going to catch you.”

Levi’s grip tightened on the cloak, yanking your face to him again. “I could have handled it. You just acted like some reckless idiot.” Your eyes were kept on the steaming amputated arm hopelessly trying to reach you. If you let yourself delve inside Levi’s gaze, you knew it would be enough to make you snap, crumble. “Fucking look at me.”

With a sag of your shoulders, you forced him to let you go, shifting your body in direction of the emptiness beneath, designedly ignoring his demand.

“[F/N]...”

The tone of his voice made your heart clench. As warning he wanted it to be, he couldn’t hide the worry laid behind, not to you. The warmth of his voice betrayed him, making it sound as a plea almost, begging and afraid. You gritted your teeth, trying to hold on to your resolve, not let it waver. But it was so hard. With him, here. It was almost impossible.

Your own voice was a rasp, faking a chuckle, dark and filled with want to convince him and just get over with _all of this_. “I’m half-dead already, can’t you see? I don’t think it could go much worse.”

For a second, your eyes slipped to his own, and you regretted it instantly. The worry in his stare matched the one of his voice. It was worse, even. Because you were _seeing_ it, and there was no way to avoid it or pretend it just played in your head. Your teeth so gnashed and your jaw so clenched the sting flared up your cheekbones, you turned your face away, as he was inspecting you as if you were a stranger. His probing eyes roamed your face in search of any piece of you that he could find in your soulless ones. But there was nothing. He couldn’t find you, and it was probably making his own heart clench sorely in his chest. And you hated this more than anything else, and the fact that it was above everything, made you hate it even more.

You sighed heavily. Your whole body was limp and trembling and tense all at once. The look in Levi’s eyes and the one of Dimitri’s were planted somewhere in your mind along with Linn’s face and there was no way you could push it away.

“You can help me shred that bastard, but the kill is mine.”

Not waiting for an answer or an approbation, and before you could change your mind, your hook left the hard flesh of the titan’s throat, letting you fall until you were a few feet off the ground and it pierced its ankle. With a burst of gas, and your body grazing the pavement, your blades met the tendons at the base of its calves. Blood and wind whipped your face and clothes as you made your way up with another hiss, carving gashes behind its knees to make sure the monster would fall facing the soil. An explosion resounded above you, your eyes lifting to find Levi lacerating its face and its arms in a flash. The titan growled and squirmed under you, but before allowing him the clemency to fall and end its life, you turned to his front, your blades hammering in its stomach to open it. Letting your arm dive into the burning acid liquid at the pit, your hand desperately searched for another one until it finally found Dimitri’s. As you pulled him away, your lips parted to find Linn was still holding on his back until they separated when you let them fall on the ground. You landed a few feet away from them, your chest heaving as their blood-covered and lifeless bodies were slumped on the ground. 

_What did you hope for?_

The titan fell next to you, the earth quaking beneath your feet as your sight was clouded with the drops of blood dripping from your lashes. It was sticking everywhere, your hair, your clothes, and the acid on your arm tingled as it eroded the skin. Levi landed on the other side of the titan when you flew to its nape. Your eyes lingered on the corpses of your comrades as you tried to remind yourself you weren’t the one who did this to them, but... _But_ your fingers were _almost_ twitching and your will _almost_ vacillating when your gaze went back on the wriggling titan underneath you. 

There will be others – killing this one won’t change anything. You could walk away and just leave it behind to never come back again. You could. But, it wasn’t what you were taught to do. You had to let your anger spread to the tips of your blades and kill it before it could sink the formation even more. But what if there was no fury to hold on to inside of you? Why were you doing this then, if it wasn’t to avenge your friends? You sighed sharply. None of it mattered. You had to do this before your legs would give up and leave you collapsing on its back.

Your hook exploded in the titan’s neck, and you propelled yourself up, gathering some speed before your blades slashed the skin unreasoningly. The chunk of muscle fell. Steam whipped your face. And you couldn’t feel anything. Only your chest was heaving, out of breath as you landed on the ground, miraculously standing on your two feet. You sheathed the blades back in the boxes and staggered towards Linn and Dimitri, kneeling down slowly in front of them, not finding the force to look up at Levi who had moved next to you. You didn’t have the right to let yourself dive in the distraction that was his face, his eyes. You didn’t deserve any of his comforts now. And you didn’t want it.

Unwrapping each of their cloaks, you placed them on top of their faces as you adjusted their bodies so they would lie perfectly on their back. You _couldn’t_ look at them, and you acted as if they were just regular scouts to you; like the only fact of touching them wasn’t ripping your heart apart in such tiny pieces you wondered if you would ever be able to collect them all afterwards.

From the corner of your eye, you saw Levi lifting his face from you to the horizon as the thuds of the horses got closer. “We have to hurry, the Commander just ordered to...”

The lump in your throat was too thick for you to swallow it, your temples burningly pounding as Petra’s voice trembled behind you. “Is this...?”

Your face turned to her slowly, your eyes kept on the ground as you stood up weakly. Your voice barely audible when you murmured, “They’re dead.”

And only then you noticed it. 

The rain.

It stopped.

 

* * *

 

The water undulated around your form, your head on the edge of the tub, your eyes transfixed on the ceiling as the small waves splashed softly around your bent legs. Every part of your body ached, from your temples to the sole of your feet. It stung and it burned and it throbbed and just breathing became a torturous act. The blood seeped away from your beaten hands in light floating trails in the already reddened water of the bath as you tried not to move them; not to let your fingers twitch or your palms close in any way but it stung and it burned and it throbbed somehow more than any other wound or bruise on your body.

Every muscle quaked under your skin as the droplets of water fell from your dripping scalp to the sides of your face, your shallow breathing the only thing filling the room along with the quiet flows of the dirtied, but still soothing, liquid enveloping you. It was cold and lonely, and even more lonely when your thoughts moved to the heap of dead bodies waiting somewhere in the castle.

You only got back a couple of hours ago but, it felt like an eternity had passed since the medical teams started to take ‘care’ of the defeated. Stupidly, the hope to see someone bolt in your room to tell you that they miraculously had wakened up was the only thing that could make its way up your mind. And it hurt even more. Because the crumpled pads of your fingers from those last two hours spent in that bathroom with absolutely no one bolting in were telling you otherwise.

It was funny how all your thoughts were invaded with the knowledge that they were undeniably and unalterably dead but how none of these could force you to accept it either.

A hiss left your lips. You couldn’t hold on still any longer. Your fists balled, the sins covering and imprinting the flesh of your knuckles was torn, ragged, and dripping with both blood and water as you brought them up in front of your face, your eyes watching past the wounds, the skin and the bones to figure out how it _felt_ when someone else’s was under them, because it was all pitch black, in your head _and_ in your heart. You just remembered the flooding fury. The same fury that was supposed to spread to the tips of your blades but that somehow ended up flowing to the tips of your fingers instead.

_Fuck._

With groans and splashes, you rose up from the tub, quickly and achingly as you grabbed the towel left on the edge of the sink, rubbing it in your soaked hair until the strands stopped dripping along your back, then moving it to your body, letting it stroke your torn skin while not daring to let your eyes lower to all the marks carving it. The cloth dotted in red, you let it hang somewhere behind the door before kneeling down to open the small cabinet and your hands fell on a bandage roll. Straightening up and trembling, you slowly started to wrap the white fabric around your knuckles, squeezing it _too_ hard and wishing everything under it might just disappear if you kept pulling.

Grabbing the clean clothes on the other edge of the sink, you tried to dress up with as much dignity you were able to gather despite the fact that you were alone in the room and despite the fact that just raising your arm to put on your shirt was enough to send firebolt through your body and bending to slip on your pants was enough to make your knees tremble and lose your balance because of all the tendons and muscles screaming to tear up at all the tension kept in them. The stinging of the broken capillaries stretched and you could feel them already starting to form into fresh bruises along your back as every breath you were taking moulded your face in a contortion of pain.

As you finished buttoning up the loose shirt draped on your shoulders, your eyes fell on the tub, only realising now how _dirtied_ your skin was, and how the blood tinting the water wasn’t all your own, but it was also _theirs_ , and your heart sank with it as it disappeared because you knew that now _nothing_ was left from them. Not even _this_.

You sat on the edge of the tub as it finished clearing out, your head spinning, aching, and only nausea and giddiness filling your senses when the last drops of water were swallowed with a gurgle by the syphon.

“ _What happened, [F/N]?_ ”

Your bandaged hands were purposely laid on the desk, folded on top of each other as your eyes kept boring holes into the wall behind Erwin. You kept waiting for it – the scolding. But it wasn’t coming, making your beaten fingers fidget in impatience because you _wanted_ it, and you _deserved_ it.

“I lost it.”

Erwin sighed, sharply. “Yes, indeed.”

His voice was stern and calm – _too_ calm again. And you could feel his own eyes piercing on you, waiting for an explanation, but there was none. “They are going to engage proceedings you know that?”

“Yes.”

“So why did you do it then?” You were the one sighing this time because you were tired, _so_ tired, and despite the fact you kept replaying it in your head, you genuinely had no idea _why_ you did _this._ “From a fresh recruit, I could have understood, but _you_. I know it can be revolting, and it could only be even more so after what happened but, you’re supposed to be used to it now.”

The worst was that he was right. In the six years you had been in the Corps, and as _revolting_ it was the first times you came back, you never acted like this. _Never._

Moments after you stepped back in Trost, with Linn and Dimitri slouched in one of the last carts remained behind, the all chatter and complaining of the citizens reached your ears, their eyes judging and daggering on you, and you heard and saw it so many times before, and every time their own disillusions seemed to cleave deep inside your mind, reducing your beliefs and hopes in what you were doing more than they already had. You learned how not to pay attention, but today, when the words of that young man – who probably wasn’t more than twenty years old – reached your ears, something snapped inside of you, and you just couldn’t take it anymore.

_“I’m sure they enjoy it. See this one, he looks like he went on a fucking stroll.”_

The words weren’t even destined to you, but it was as stabbing as if they had been. Complaining about how much money the Corps were ‘stealing’ them – when you actually barely had anything to live with – was one thing, but _this_ was something else. Suddenly, the chills running along your skin were replaced by pure heat rushing through every part of your body. And in instant, you were off your saddle, tackling the boy still pointing at someone far behind you, and you punched and punched and punched until you could feel your knuckles dip and move and break inside your hand.

No one tried to stop you, not even when the struggling and weak attempts of the boy to push you away stopped and he became limp beneath your fists. They were all here, mouth agape and eyes wide, faces dark, not uttering a single word as you just kept hitting again and again and again.

Then your eyes finally _looked_ at his face, and the realisation of what you just did crash on you – _hard_. His features were hidden by the layers of blood covering them, his breaths shallow, ragged, barely there. Here you were, desperate to end that kid’s life when hours before you almost refused to end a _titan’s_. Disgust flowed on you as you imagined what your face must look like, contorted and inhuman. Your eyes lowered to your hands, deformed, trembling and blood-coated again, and the pain was worse than what you ever felt because this time it _really_ was _your_ fault. 

You stepped back in fear, as if the body you so willingly massacred just appeared in front of you – as if you weren’t the one who did this. And maybe he deserved it somehow, and maybe there were times where you thought about doing this before but, it wasn’t _you._ You don’t **_do_** _this_ – beat a kid senseless or let your emotions puppeteer you. 

_Fuck. Fuck. Fuck._

“So?”

Your voice was so frail and broken when you answered, one of your hands moving to shield your gaze from his. Appearing as a monster in front of all your fellow soldiers was already mortifying, but making yourself look vulnerable in front of your Commander was something you just couldn’t put yourself to accept. “I don’t know...I really don’t, Erwin.”

There was a sigh, then a small rustle as he stood up. Your hand fell back next to your other one as you watched him moved in front of the window, his back facing you. “I’m afraid that won’t be enough.” He sighed heavily, worriedly. “[F/N]...We can’t afford to lose a trial.”

Even with his eyes focused on what was going on behind the window, you could see the disappointment saturating them, and even if you didn’t want to, it hurt. “I know...”

“And even less a soldier like you.”

You scoffed, irritated, and suddenly your hands were full of tingles once more, “Like me, huh? You mean an ‘elite’ who happened to lose her whole squad in a matter of two expeditions, right? Yeah, that would really be a shame.” _And who accepted to be attributed more soldiers than the usual because she supposed she was ‘able to keep them alive’, additionally._

Erwin turned around slowly, his scowl sharp and his lips tight, shaking his head lightly. “This is even worse than I thought.”

You averted your eyes to the desk, somewhere you couldn’t see your hands and somewhere you couldn’t see him. “Fucking pathetic, indeed.”

_One. Two. Three._ His sturdy footsteps shook the floorboards as he walked next to you, your face turning more and more in the opposite direction as he approached. “So, don’t you believe in what we are doing at all anymore?”

Your eyes widened, and your fists balled on their own despite the pain. _What the fuck is he talking about?_ “I don’t understand.”

“If you’re seeing yourself as incapable as you just mentioned then why did you keep going?”

You were taken aback, you didn’t anticipate this conversation to take this kind of turn. You never questioned the fact of staying in the Corps before, it was just evident, even despite your hopelessness and even after what happened two months ago, you had to stay, because _they_ were here.

“Because I—”

He cut you, his voice monotonous, toneless. “Because you _had to_?”

Your lips parted, and suddenly you turned your face to him, straightening up as you frowned. How did he always manage to do this? Erwin always read so easily into every single soldier of the Regiment, understanding what was going on inside their head before they could even have the time to think about it. It was terrifying.

“Fighting without any convictions is the same as not fighting at all, [F/N].” Your _convictions_... What are they again?

His stance was straight, proud, the one he had when he prepared himself to give _the speech_. Of course, it would end up like this, it always ends with a speech. And there was absolutely no part of you that wanted to hear one right now but, his words still resounded deep in your mind – he was too skilled with that. 

Erwin’s voice kept rising as he continued, your shoulders starting to roll ever so slightly. “You lead them for _years_ , and you did so perfectly but you forgot what your mission was along the way. That boy or yourself aren’t the ones you should punish. You didn’t kill them, the _Titans_ did.”

You didn’t answer, your eyes slowly lowering back to the desk. What could you say? That you would keep fighting to avenge them? To save Humanity? You didn’t want to. Not anymore. You were _tired_. So **_tired_**. And as quickly Erwin’s words managed to make their way through your mind, they were gone, only leaving your temples burning, throbbing and your eyes watering because of how long you stayed without blinking, and maybe he thought they were actual tears, and maybe that was why he next added, softer, “You should take some time for yourself first, [F/N].”

Your brows furrowed. It sounded strange, and your eyes shifted back to him as he made his way back to his chair. “What do you mean, Erwin?”

With his hands entwined on the edge of the desk, he took some time to answer, your fingers starting to fidget again. “I thought that if you were able to bring back Petra, then you’d understand you deserve your place here as much as everyone else but, it seemed like I was wrong. It’d take a lot more than that.”

Your frown deepened, lips parting. So that was the ‘mission’ he was talking about. He really could have used another term, but again, it was Erwin, and everything had to be taken seriously with him. In the end, he just wanted to help you boost your self-confidence. _That’s all?_ Well, Petra was still alive, yes, which you were glad for but sadly, it didn’t manage to conceal the fact that _they_ were gone in any way.

“Maybe it’s time.” The rhythm of your heart suddenly raced achingly beneath your ribcage, tapping against the bones mercilessly. “I really hoped we wouldn’t get to this, but I don’t think there’s much more I can do anymore.”

_Is he...?_

“And if we get sued and we manage to get away with it, that will probably be one of the conditions anyway.”

The air was stuck somewhere inside your lungs, the beats of your heart so violent you feared you might just throw up on the desk. You couldn’t stay in that room anymore, it was getting too suffocating, but you couldn’t stand up either, you knew your legs wouldn’t take it. How did it end up like this? And why was it only startling, and just attacking your sense of pride? Why weren’t you feeling any kind of heartache at this moment? You should have been mad, desperate not to come to _this_ after all the years you spent here, but no. There wasn’t _anything_.

“If it’s not though, I’ll leave you the choice, whether you decide to stay or not, I’ll accept it.”

Levi’s face suddenly passed before your eyes, and your heart clenched when for a second you felt his hands on you, his taste, his scent, his _warmth_. If there was one reason for you to stay, he would be this one. Not revenge. Not Humanity. Not Erwin or Petra or anyone. Him. Just him. But then, your gaze fell to your hands again, and you remembered the look in his eyes before you killed that titan, and the one he had before you got back on your saddle after beating up that kid. He didn’t even seem shocked or mad or even disappointed, but _wistful_ , **_so_** _wistful_ , and now just the thought of touching him with _those_ hands again became unimaginable.

“Just be sure of it, [F/N].”


	16. Fifteenth

** _Two years later, 850._ **

“And what the fuck do you think you’re doing?”

Just like that, all their previous excitement washed off, tensed and wide-eyed, everyone slowly turning to look over their shoulder as you walked leisurely to the middle of the field, hands shoved in your coat pockets, stopping right in front of the two girls – who seemed to have forgotten what the concept of batting a lash even was – just glaring at each other.

“So?” you asked, feigning interest, raising your brows and cocking your head to the side, waiting for one of them to give you an answer, even though, the ‘activities’ they were about to get into were more than obvious.

Charcoal blue eyes shifted from their initial prey to you, dark and dull, Mikasa’s shoulders dropping a little, seemingly disappointed to have been interrupted in her high. “It’s a combat class, we’re sparring.”

Your gaze moved to Annie, scanning her form as her arms were back against her sides, but her fists still balled, her unruffled stare concentrated on you now.

“What a good pair, indeed,” you commented.

Silence fell on the field, only leaving the circle of young people around stiff and uncomfortable. Your eyes went back to Mikasa, then glided behind her to find Eren, a few feet away, sweaty and red. That’s right. He was supposed to be paired with Annie when you left. She probably went a bit too rough on him, _again_ , and Mikasa just came to the rescue, _again_. How _surprising_.

A fight between these two would certainly be interesting, but you doubted even you could stop them if it degenerated – which will be the case, for sure. In any way, this wouldn’t be a friendly fight.

“I’m afraid that’s not going to be possible, though,” you spoke, turning around, not even taking a look at their faces. “Because what could happen if I let two _beasts_ in a cage, right, Annie?”

The girls grunted, followed by small complaints from the rest of the cadets as you walked back to the barracks. 

“Everyone get back to your dorms. You pissed me off enough for the day.”

 

* * *

 

_“You think I’ve turned in some kind of beast or what?”_

Attempting to pull away from the guards’ vice grip on your arms, you looked up to the back of Erwin’s head, whose hand had fallen on the doorknob as your wrists desperately, and failingly, tried to break free of their chains, only causing the two men on your sides to crush your muscles even harder.

“No, but they do. So, try to stay calm and don’t make things even more complicated.”

You glowered at one of the guards as his thumb painfully pressed on your tendons before sighing, knowingly, well too aware that nothing except your cooperativeness could manage to make things less _complicated_. And eventually, when your shoulders lowered in defeat, your body forced to relax, their hold started to loosen.

Erwin turned to you, his eyes filled with focus, and gave you a small nod before he opened the door. The two soldiers forced you inside, your gaze kept on the tiles beneath your feet, the previous chatter of the people inside stopping, the only sound resonating in the room being the click of your boots on the floor and the bang of the large wood door as Erwin closed it behind you.

Only when you were in front of the table that was placed in the middle of the room did your eyes lifted to find Zackley in front of you, the reporter on his side. And as you watched Erwin make his way to the bench on the side of the room, in an instant, you found next to him a pair of silver eyes, veiled, expressionless, and your heart suddenly hammered against your ribcage. 

Levi.

You couldn’t understand how only a couple of weeks without seeing him were enough for you to forget the subtlest curves and crevices of his face, which you, however, spent so much time memorising before. You tried to remember what his voice sounded like, and especially how it resounded when it was filled with care or affection, and not detachment. And you tried to remember how his skin felt, how _warm_ and soft his hands or his lips were when they were laid on your own. But there was only silence, and you were left shivering. It was painful almost, to look at him, but you couldn’t force your eyes off him either, and even less when all he was doing was just delve deep inside yours. His lips were slightly pursed, his brows furrowed as he scanned your face. There was no denying, you looked like shit and you knew it. Grief and insomnia combined weren’t the looks you suited the most. But, he too looked tired, the thin skin under his eyes as shaded and hollow as the one under yours, the white veined with red. 

How many days had passed since he last slept? You already knew that by stopping to come to his office, sleeping would become difficult on your part but, apparently, it seemed to have the same effect on him, and selfishly, you were _almost_ glad to see it after starting to think that he may not care as much anymore.

“I don’t think these will be necessary.” Zackley’s voice echoed in the court, making you jump a little as your eyes finally moved away from Levi’s.

Suddenly, one of the two Police guards hesitantly unlocked the restraints of your wrists, letting your arms fall back in front of you as you absentmindedly rubbed the red marks left with your thumbs.

“Thank you, Sir,” you addressed to Zackley.

“Please, take your seat,” he added.

You did as you were told, sitting at the table in front of you, clammy hands on your thighs before the soldier on your right spoke, sternly, and somehow nervously, “Hands on the table.”

Turning your face in direction of the voice, your eyes widened when they landed on the rifle – previously carried on his back – that was now between the guard’s hands. Your lips parted to retort, say how ridiculous this whole situation was before Erwin’s words rang back in your mind. 

_Don’t make things even more complicated_. This wasn’t the place or the time to go against what you were told to do. He already struggled enough to be able to get you a special audience, and not one from those quisling judges working with the Military Police, who would be way too happy to put someone of the Survey Corps behind bars. Having Zackley in front of you could almost be considered an honour already, and after all the efforts Erwin had put into preparing this so you could have a chance of getting away, you couldn’t disappoint him.

So with a scowl, you laid your hands on the wood, your _awful_ hands, scarring and crusted. And with shame, you tried to cover your sins by entwining them, hiding your beaten knuckles beneath your fingers so the rest of the world couldn’t see them.

“I guess we can begin, then.”

The knot in your stomach threatened to burst when you lifted your eyes back to Zackley, and despite the fact that not a lot of people were there – the audience being closed to public – and that you refused to meet their _judging_ looks, you could still feel them on you the whole time, observing any little changes on your face, to how deep you were taking in your breathing, and it was _strangling_.

Zackley grabbed a piece of paper in front of him, eyes squinted as he adjusted the glasses on the bridge of his nose. “So, [F/N L/N], Third Squad Leader of the Survey Corps, you had been summoned today for voluntarily and physically attacking Erik Mohren, age of nineteen years old, exactly two weeks ago in the District of Trost, right after you came back from your previous expedition, it that right?”

You sighed heavily, frowning, “It is.”

There was a part of you that _knew_. You did this, _actually_ did this. You could see it on your body, it was still vividly aching, and still, when it was stated so blandly, you almost started to believe it was someone else’s actions that were pointed here. And maybe it was. Maybe it wasn’t with you this all thing was dealing. Maybe it really was someone else.

Zackley’s eyes let go of the paper for a moment as his face moved back to yours, his expression not changing, only a slight crease between his brows visible before he continued with his reading. “See, the law stipulates the payment of a fine, and imprisonment can also be figured depending on the gravity of the injuries and the age of the victim.” 

Blood ran cold through your veins, your heart pounding soundly in your temples. Erwin already warned you about everything, but _hearing_ it, here, now, was completely different. 

“In your case, the imprisonment should be up to a year and since Mohren is still incapable of working as we speak, the fine would equal eight weeks of his incomes, as a compensation. Do you have something to say about this?”

Could you? Say something? “No, Sir.”

_A year_. Your chest was heaving, your breathing laboured as you tried to hold it in, not to let it resonate in the room, your fingers clawing the back of your palms. _Imprisoned_. When all you had been doing those last years was fighting for freedom. 

From the corner of your eye, you saw Levi, jaw clenched, eyes lost somewhere between the space between you two, dark, agitated as Zackley leaned back in his chair. “Good.”

You hated it, absolutely _hated_ it. Seeing him like this. Why was he even here? From what Erwin told you, no witnesses should be required since all the testimonies had already been sent to the jury before the audience, so why? Levi probably insisted on being present for God knew what reason, but things surely would have been a lot easier for both of you if he wasn’t. He was everything you were thinking about. So close and yet, so out of reach. Where would you be now, if none of this would have happened?

“Luckily for you, Erik Mohren being over the age of maturity and considering your status, and the number of years you acted as a protector of Humanity, we decided to at least consider the request of your Commander, which is to cancel the imprisonment.”

What was he thinking? About you? About all of this? There was nothing for you to read on his face, he was all blank, hiding behind his mask once again, and it felt like an eternity had passed since the last time you had been able to see what was laying beneath it. 

Zackley tilted his head in direction of Erwin as your eyes let go of Levi’s form to meet his when he spoke, his spine straight and chest up, as always. “Indeed, [F/N L/N] has been an asset for the Survey Corps for almost seven years now, which certifies how qualified she is to protect Humanity from the oppression Titans have upon us. And we cannot neglect the fact that the Survey Corps have been facing some challenges lately, especially during our last two expeditions. So now, more than ever, we need people like her into our ranks. I acknowledge that was she did was inexcusable, but I think there are mitigating circumstances that should be taken into account.”

He paused a moment, and if you didn’t know him for so long, you probably would have thought he was trying to gather his thoughts, find the right words, but you knew he was just making sure to keep everyone’s attention in grasp now. Erwin _always_ exactly knew what to say.

“[F/N L/N] was gravely hurt on our 36th expedition, and she directly suffered from the losses we endured since four of her soldiers perished there. Even though her condition was still not at its best, she didn’t even question her presence on the expedition we just came from, which only proves her devotion to the Legion. Unfortunately, the last two members of her former squad just died two weeks ago, and even for someone who had been that long in the Regiment, this is always something difficult to handle. So I think you can all understand why she...”

Erwin’s eyes shifted to yours as he added, “... _lost it_ , when she heard the words Erik Mohren ventured when we came back, especially when only a couple of hours before she had to watch her comrades fall in front of her.”

Your heart clenched as his attention went back to Zackley, slipping some documents off his pocket, his boots thudding on the tiles, making his way to hand him the papers. “There had never been any type of incident during the decade she started to be involved in the military, nothing severe anyway, and I have here written assertions from Keith Shadis, 12th Commander of the Survey Corps, Dennis Bayer, her instructor back when she was in the Training Corps, and Petra Ral, her subordinate, that can endorse what I’m talking about.” _Her subordinate_. The only one left, indeed. What a joke.

You waited in silence as Zackley finished reading the documents, your heart still in pain at the mere mention of _them_ , then suddenly feeling this strangling feeling once again because of that _one_ pair of eyes focused on you. And all you wanted was to look at him, see what might be on his face in this moment, but you were also too afraid and too ashamed to submit. You turned your face away slightly, hiding your features beneath some strands of hair, like that day in the mess hall after you came back from the infirmary, so this time, _you_ couldn’t see _him_ , and you tried to imagine he was scowling, looking down at you, because it would be easier, so much easier if he hated you. And maybe he already did. And you probably deserved it. You left him, right after saving his life – which he must already be struggling enough to accept. But after seeing that _wistful_ look, you were just so terrified to meet it again; to know that you may hurt him in any way, that you just couldn’t even bear the thought of facing him anymore. 

So when you returned from that last expedition, you unwaveringly refused to meet anyone, and him particularly. But he also didn’t come to you, nor did he demand to see you, and even if that was what you wanted in the end, not to receive any of his comforts after acting as you did with that kid, now, breathing became painful again, and not only because of the fading bruises printed all over your ribcage.

You exhaled slowly, trying to maintain your breathing in a steady pattern instead of that laboured one as Zackley remarked, done with the documents, “Everything is pretty positive, in fact. So, this seems to only be an isolated case, then.” 

Your heart rate slowed down, your worries fading a little. Maybe it was going to work after all—

“We aren’t sure, actually.” 

Fuck.

You jerked your face to your right, seeing Nile, standing behind the bench on the opposite side of Erwin and Levi. You weren’t even surprised, whenever he had the opportunity to take someone from the Survey Corps down, the bastard was _always_ here.

“What shit are you on about, Nile?” Levi. “We have proofs, don’t try to get off with your rambling crap.”

_His voice_. It was still vibrating softly through your bones despite the harshness of his tone, goosebumps trailing your skin, legs slightly trembling because of how relishing it felt to hear it after so long. Your face magnetically turned to his, finding him scowling at Nile, as you felt your lips parting, the beats of your heart thumping against your temples and your breathing becoming ragged again.

You didn’t even look at Nile when he next spoke, well too absorbed by Levi’s face, irritated and tired but still _so_ beautiful. “A lack of, more specifically.”

Levi clicked his tongue, the small sound almost being enough to creep a faint smile on your face before you grasped Nile’s words and your brows started to furrow when Erwin asked, “What do you mean, Nile?”

Gripping the documents he had in hand, Nile started to read, “There are a couple of things we found out about [F/N L/N]’s past that caught our attention.” What... “First of all, we learned that when she was fourteen, [L/N] ran away from her family house right after her mother died of a disease that had spread in Karanese about fifteen years ago. She left her father behind—”

In an instant, all the blood in your veins ran cold, drained, your eyes widening and your heart stopping. You _never_ talked about this before, and now it was just exhibited here, in front of all these people that you didn’t know or trust, and worse, in front of Erwin, in front of Levi.

Left your father... Seriously? Where did he get that from? He was the one who left you four years before that, and it wasn’t like he tried to help you out after your mother died. _He_ left you, and utterly alone, on top of that. If Nile wanted to display your family issues in front of the whole court, so be it, but only if he had the right information, and if it _at least_ had something to do with the whole subject of this trial.

“And how her family businesses have anything to do with this?” Erwin cut him, visibly starting to grow irritated as your own fists started to ball dangerously, your nails digging into the back of your palms.

Nile stiffened a little before continuing, “Well, I’m coming at it. After that, there are about two years where any trace of her had been lost. Her existence was pretty much unknown until she started to work with Kuno Adler, an old merchant, who died four years later, which coincides with her enlistment in the Training Corps. To say that, she probably has been involved in some kind of organisation or probably had to take some drastic measures to be able to survive that long and at such a young age in the streets. The type of violence she used on Erik Mohren probably wasn’t a first, and I don’t believe this was an isolated case at all, recidivism could happen, and it already did as we’ve seen it. In itself, this is pretty common, but coming from someone who is supposed to protect citizens, this is something we cannot give way. If all the Survey Corps soldiers started to attack anyone who criticises them, there—”

“Wouldn’t be many people to protect anymore, huh?”

All eyes turned to you the moment the words left your mouth, spat, menacing. Nile flinched a little, taken aback as you just kept glaring at him. “Is this a threat?”

Maybe it should be. Of course, your existence was considered nonexistent; no one looked for you. And yes, you may have had to grow involved in a few rucks once in a while when some prowlers tried to steal the little things you managed to get, but other than that, you _never_ did something ‘drastic’. You never killed anyone, you never submitted to join any trafficker or smuggler, or anyone that could have get you involved in something properly _bad_. There couldn’t be anything to prove what he was insinuating was right since it never happened, so how the fuck did he dare to insinuate such things? 

Before you could say anything else, ready to snarl again, Erwin prevented you from doing so, speaking, “I understand this can be suspicious for you Nile, especially considering your functions but, even if [L/N] acted in any criminal way in the past, this didn’t influence her values as a soldier now. And still, I’m sure she isn’t the only one whether it’s inside your ranks or ours or even the Garrison’s who lived something similar. Just see, Levi is also a perfect example of this, and we all know how important he had become for the survival of Humanity despite his background. I don’t think [F/N]’s has anything to do with this incident, either.” His eyes glided to yours when he finished, dark, scolding almost, “I repeat, this was the first time this happened in the decade she was in the military, and I’m sure that will be the _last_.”

Catching the hint wasn’t really difficult here. You needed to shut up. And even if you were irritated at first, you knew Erwin was trying his best to avoid you any consequences that might endanger your freedom, and you were somewhat grateful for it.

Zackley sighed heavily, crossing his arms on the table in front of him. “[L/N], is there anything we should know about that may have influenced you more than this...mental breakdown, let’s call it?”

Your eyes shifted to Levi’s for a second, who was as calling as Erwin’s, wordlessly ordering you not to keep responding. You sighed quietly, moving your attention back to Zackley as you answered, firmly, “No, Sir. There’s nothing else.”

His eyes narrowed, observing you as silent fell on the room once more, trying to figure out any sense of lie on your face or in your words. After a moment, he finally relaxed back in his chair, sighing again. “Well, I think we examined everything we needed to. I’ll leave you all outside while we deliberate.”

The knot twisted back inside your stomach. So that’s it. Everything was sealed now. What if it didn’t work? What if your small outburst or Nile’s suggestions were enough for them to think you could be some kind of danger for your Regiment or Humanity as a whole? It seemed so exaggerated, but at the same time, it was understandable. Your actions didn’t make sense, not considering your position, but you couldn’t change any of them now. No matter what the decision would be, you would have to accept it. 

The guards waited for everyone to leave the room before guiding you outside, way too hurriedly as you almost stumbled, trying to get free from their grasp again, muttering a few curses under your breath.

The moment they opened the door, giving you the sight of the corridor, your eyes fell on the tall figure facing the wall, Erwin partially hiding a crossed-arm Levi with his back leaning on the wall. For just a second, his eyes seemed to soften when they landed on you before Erwin turned around, telling to the guards, “It’s okay, you can leave her here.”

Executing hesitantly, the two men walked a few feet away, joining Nile and a couple of other soldiers from the Military Police. You averted your eyes to the floor, not feeling like facing Levi _or_ Erwin, right now, barely approaching them. But with sturdy footsteps, Erwin quickly had his hand on your shoulder, his face close to yours, half-whispering, “[F/N], why did I never hear about this?”

You didn’t answer, keeping your eyes low. This was so long ago, and it was simply a time you didn’t want to remember or be taken in pity because of it. You had been lucky enough already, even after trying to steal food from his store, Kuno didn’t hesitate to give you a shelter, and a rather satisfying life. It was just too painful to recall all of this, when he died and when you were left alone,  _again_ , this time left by someone you actually cared about for the first time, not to mention the years you spent starving in the gutters of Karanese. It was just so far off, and it didn’t matter at the time when you enlisted. That was kind of the point, after all, starting from scratch.

Erwin shook you a little, insisting, “Did you do anything that could make them think you are dangerous?”

You rolled your eyes, finally accepting to meet his, scoffing, “You mean except stealing some crackers or shirts from stalls?”

“Yes,” he answered, serious.

You sighed sharply. “Then, no.”

“Are you sure? Because if they have proofs you have done something this could cost you more than a year, you know that?”

What was that supposed to mean? Even him, started to mistrust you, now? “I _didn’t_ , Erwin,” you barked, accentuated words to try and convince him as you hold on his stare, probably a bit too challengingly.

He straightened up, brows furrowing at your tone, then relaxing again, his hand leaving your shoulder when he finally seemed to believe you. “Fine.”

You sighed again, crossing your arms over your chest, looking away before Levi spoke, blandly, “Well, I’m going for a round, those bastards gave me a fucking headache. Tell me when they’re done with all the chatting.”

Keeping your eyes focused on your feet, you listened to the quiet thuds of his footsteps as he walked away, unwittingly disappointed, the sound quickly replaced by another one coming near you. Scowling, you watched Nile approaching, followed by the guards and the rest of his men. “What do you want, asshole?”

“ _[F/N]_ ,” Erwin called, warning as Nile seemed well amused by this whole situation, smirking slightly. “You really have a thing for picking the craziest ones, Erwin,” he commented.

“What are you even doing here, seriously?” you hissed, ignoring Erwin’s glare as you turned to face Nile, your nails scratching the skin underneath your shirt as your fists clenched again.

“I’m doing my job, [F/N],” he replied, unperturbed.

You snorted. “Oh, your job? Sorry, I thought it was just supposed to be a drink at the inn while robbing the poorest guys of Sina. Guess I got mistaken.”

None of the soldiers answered, somehow taken aback. You shrugged, satisfied, as you started to walk away from the soldiers, trying to restrain the urge of tackling one of them before one of the soldiers spoke, “And aren’t you supposed to be ordering your men around so they could throw themselves in a titan’s throat?” _Don’t you fucking dare_. Your heart knocked against your ribcage, heat flushing through your face, your hands trembling as you turned around slowly to look over your shoulder, just waiting for that guy to add, “Oh yeah, that’s already done.”

In an instant, your hands were on the soldier’s collar as you crushed him against the wall, barely hearing Erwin and Nile ordering both of you to calm down, feeling wrath boil inside of you as the man just kept smirking, amused and proud. “You fucker—”

Then suddenly, something cold and hard was pressed against your temple and you stilled, your eyes slowly shifting to the guard next to you, his rifle drawn, his fingers shaking around the trigger. And there was a moment where you found yourself thinking that you didn’t mind, or not really anyway, your thoughts only preoccupied with those scornful eyes mocking you. He was trying to provoke you, to make you burst so they could prove their point, you knew this, and still, somehow, it didn’t matter, not this and not even the fact that a gun was pointed at you. But, before you could decide to take another move or not, a hand passed by in a flash in front of you, pushing the gun away from your face as your back collided with the floor, the air stuck in your lungs, two hands preventing your head from hitting the tiles, gripping the collar of your shirt.

A pair of anthracite eyes glowered at you, and your heart stopped the moment he snapped, his breath blowing on your face, “You better calm the fuck down, now.”

A shiver ran down your spine, your eyes burningly widening as you flinched, and for a moment you were _scared_. Of **_him_**. How did this happen? How did it end up like this? Tears abruptly prickled at the corner of your eyes, your chest heaving as you found yourself breathing out his name. “ _Levi_...”

His own eyes widened slightly, his lips parting as he inhaled deeply. And that _wistful_ look was back again, just a second before he averted it, swiftly straightening up, his hands leaving you as he added, sternly, “ _Everyone_. Calm down.”

There was a sting in your heart as you rose up from the floor slowly, stumblingly, your knees shaking, blinking the tears away from your eyes as you whispered a hoarse “I’m sorry.” 

And you had no idea who it was for – you, Levi, Erwin, Erik, that soldier, or all the people you lost along the way. You fucked up. Again. And for a moment, you almost wished Zackley didn’t believe any of the things supposed to defend you in that court. You probably _deserved_ to be locked up, after all.

You walked a few feet away, leaning on the wall, fearful, still trembling and breathing laboriously. All the images of those past months, years, flashing by before your eyes, all those faces, that just kept haunting you – hurting you – utter silence filling the corridor as you tried to ignore everyone’s stare, waiting for the jury to give their decision.

 

* * *

 

Your fingertips were gently stroking the fabric placed on your lap and your other hand slowly bringing the cup to your lips, slowly sipping the warm liquid with a profound longing, when a knock reverberated on the door of your office. Reluctantly, you rose from your seat, laying the cup on the desk and the cloak on the back of your chair, heading for the door before unlocking it and being greeted with a warmly smiling Emil. “Hey.”

“Hey,” you repeated, smiling faintly, trying to hide your discontentment of being interrupted during your free time.

Emil rubbed the back of his neck, averting his eyes to the floor as he said quietly, “I just went to check on you since you weren’t here at dinner.” He coughed a bit, straightening up. “I mean, Keith asked me to check on you.”

“Oh,” you mused, walking back to your desk, grateful his presence here wasn’t for anything more serious. “I’m fine, just tired.”

You sat back on the chair, replacing the cloak on your thighs and drinking a few sips of tea before turning around, scoffing when you saw Emil still standing under the doorframe, his eyes slightly widened. “You can enter, you know.”

He shook his head a little, pretending confidence when he alleged, “Y–Yeah, I know.”

Entering the room and hesitantly closing the door behind him, he slowly sat on the edge of the bed, rubbing his neck once again as you watched him with slight amusement until you went back to your cup, waiting for Emil to find a subject of discussion he could mutter about, as he always did whenever you let him come in your office.

“You still have that cloak?” 

Your eyes widened, not really expecting this, then lowered to the thick cloth on your lap, your palms absentmindedly caressing it to let it melt with your body, the emblem of the Survey Corps perfectly flattened over the curves of your legs.

“It’s... _warmer_ than those they give us here,” you partially lied, stern.

You gulped the rest of your tea, somehow suddenly mad at Emil for asking this question, even though he couldn’t know what it truly meant for you, and even if it wasn’t like you planned on telling him either. He hummed, thoughtful while you just hoped he would brush off the subject. But, as you managed to relax slightly again when silence washed over the room, he said, “Keith told us they should be in Trost in a week, also.”

“Well, they moved there two years ago Emil so, yeah,” you remarked.

“Yes, but apparently, they have an expedition, and we’re bringing the cadets there for the day since there’s the ceremony in the evening. So we’re probably going to see them leaving. You must be happy.”

Your fists and your throat clenched, blood pounding through your temples. Even if you would have been there just for the ceremony, avoiding them probably would have been difficult enough already, but now, it would certainly be impossible. How were you supposed to deal with it? What if you saw... _him_? You weren’t prepared for this. 

Fuck.

You swallowed the lump in your throat, trying to regain your breathing, as Emil cheered, “I can’t wait. I hope we’ll manage to see Captain Levi, this guy is a legend.” You felt yourself going pale, your fingers trembling. “I’m almost jealous, knowing you’ve worked with him.” Stop it. “Is he really that good? I mean how is he—”

“Emil.”

He paused, hesitant. “Yes?”

“I should go to sleep.”

You kept your eyes on _his_ cloak, your heart exploding, burning, beating _so_ fast and _so_ hard in your chest. Even after two years, and even after everything that happened, simply hearing his name was enough to bring back the stabbing sensation in your ribcage. 

“Oh yeah, of course.” Emil stood up slowly from the bed, sheepish as you followed him, keeping the cloak in your hand, watching him open the door. He turned to you, frowning a little, his eyes averted. “I’m sorry, I didn’t want to—”

“It’s fine.” 

Your tone was still harsh, and it seemed to make him uncomfortable. You didn’t want to blame him, to be austere when he didn’t do anything to deserve it, or not intentionally, at least. Even if you suspected him of wishing you would be more than just colleagues, you didn’t want to hurt his feelings when all he had been doing was to act kindly with you since the first day you joined the Training Corps. He wasn’t responsible for any of the things that made your heart clench so, forcing yourself to smile gently, you said, “I’ll tell you about him another time if you want.”

Emil’s eyes widened a little at the change of your voice before returning the smile, whispering, “Okay.”

He walked away slowly, wishing you a good night before you closed the door behind him, leaning your back against the wood for a moment, sighing heavily. You brought Levi’s cloak to your face, unconsciously imagining it was his scent perfuming the fabric and not your own, but you couldn’t even remember it anymore, and it probably was what hurt you the most in all of this, not the fact that you haven’t seen him or directly heard of him for two years, but _this_ , the fact that every day, the memory of him slowly started to fade, his scent, his voice, his face, everything except the moments you spent together, the words, and the gestures. In the end, it was the only things left today, the _moments_ spent with a faceless figure.

Hazy, and hands trembling on the fabric, you made your way to the desk, laying your head on your crossed arms, your fingers tangled in the cloak, closing your eyes as you patiently waited for the throb of your heart to ease.


	17. Sixteenth

** _Year 848, a few days after the trial._ **

The door slammed open hard enough to make the floorboards under your feet tremble. You flinched at the sudden intrusion, not even needing to take a look at who was standing under the doorframe, already perfectly aware of the reason that brought him here when he snapped, “Tell me this is a fucking joke.”

Your shoulders rolled on their own as you kicked the kitbag under the desk, trying to get it out of his view, hoping that it would somehow make things easier for him if he didn’t see it. As giddiness suddenly washed over your body, your palms pressed on the wood of the desk, using it as support, making sure your back was facing him so there was no way you could see the blaze in his stare or the deepness of his frown lines – the image still piercing through your mind as if it took place before your eyes.

“You almost die on me back there and now this?” 

Levi closed the door as loudly as he opened it, causing you to cower a bit more, and with a rustle he was behind you, his hands on your shoulders as he turned you around roughly, the back of your thighs hitting the edge of the desk hard, sending small jolts of pain throughout your muscles as they crashed against the surface. Not even attempting to fight, you simply kept your gaze averted to the side, avoiding him and his face at all cost. Because being confronted with his features, wrapped in anger, directly addressed to you – _caused_ by you – hurt too much, and the sight of it at the court was already _too much_ , as you knew that if you ever had to face it again, keeping your composure would certainly be impossible.

Shaky and weak, you drove your hands on his chest, ignoring the pounding of his heart thrumming beneath his top, trying to push him so you could regain some space, your breathing, and it took you all you had to retreat them, not to let them here, on the warm, smooth and strong planes of his body. But before you could force yourself to do so, his fingers clasped around your wrists, preventing you from slipping away, your palms crushed against his heaving thorax as if he was saying, ‘ ** _This_** _is your fault_ ’.

You tried to release yourself, but his grip was a vice as he held you, with probably enough strength to bruise, feeling holes being bored into your skull as he watched you pathetically trying to get away him.

“Why?” he asked, his question resonating in so many different ways the sense of this small word became unknown as you seriously started to ponder _why_ you were doing this. _Why_ were you trying to shun him? _Why_ did you decide to leave when you could have stayed? And _why_ despite all his harshness, did it felt _that good_ to feel him like this after so long?

Then suddenly, as your lips parted, looking for an answer to give, he was all against you, tasting the sorrow residing on your tongue with his own, sending all your nerves on alert as his hands fisted in your hair to keep you _there_ , on him, close and trembling. And this time, you were the one questioning why _he_ was doing this. _Why_ was he so desperate to have you against him? _Why_ was he still trying to keep you near when all you were trying to do was to escape him? And _why_ now, after what felt like an eternity, was he acting out like this?

He refused to let go of you for even one second, the sharp edge of the desk cutting the circulation in your legs because of how hard he kept pushing you against it. You started to writhe beneath him, with muffled whimpers and oxygen lacking, as he delved deep inside your mouth, suffocatingly, tyrannically. But fuck, did it feel _good_ to have him like this again, even if that kiss had nothing tender – and even if all _he_ tasted like was resentment – because his heart hammered so relentlessly under your palms, and because he was still so ravishingly _him_.

Only when he finally seemed to take notice of your growing discomfort did he break away, bewildered by his own action as his hands fell on either side of you on the desk, his head bowed, somehow almost bashful as a curse seeped away from his lips, leaving you gasping, trying to remember how to breathe, flustered as his body was still closely flushed with yours before he asked that unanswerable question again, almost unfazed, as if nothing just happened – to the point where you started to doubt it even did, “ _Why_ _?_ ”

Between two shallow breaths, the voice that came out of your throat was barely a rasp, a whisper, so frail and vulnerable you considered the fact it wasn’t really yours when you breathed it out. “It doesn’t matter, Levi.”

In an instant, he withdrew completely, stepping back to look at you, his cobalt blues turning into charcoal greys, not flinching and diving into your own gaze thoughtfully as his timbre became dark, stern when he spat, “So putting your life at risk uselessly doesn’t matter? And leaving the Corps on a whim doesn’t matter? What are you, five?”

Irritation pricked your muscles at his rebuking tone, quickly washing off as you took in his face, still exquisitely fascinating despite his scrunched brows and his pursed lips. Strangely, it was easier now – to look at him. Maybe because embarrassment was still laid on his face. Maybe because having him, Levi, submitting to his urges once again somehow brought you a bit of comfort, knowing that he was just as lost as you were, stuck somewhere between his desire to keep you here, with him, and his resentment, his anger towards you because he thought you actually _wanted_ to go away. 

You didn’t. Never. But, how were you supposed to stay here? With all these _things_ surrounding you? Their chambers, dark and cold and empty, at the end of the corridor? Their belongings, gathered and messy, that you still haven’t found the courage to give back? Or just that castle, where every room you passed by, lifeless now, made you recall a moment spent with them? And this time, you weren’t sure even Levi’s presence would be enough to keep you away from all of _these_.

Erwin said he would leave you the choice, and he said that no matter what you could be choosing he would accept it. Maybe he was right, maybe it really was time for you now. How could you fight again? How could you bear having your hands dirtied again, next time surely with Petra’s or Levi’s blood? If it happened, what would you do next? How would you react?

Maybe you were just a coward, and maybe you thought that if something happened then it would be less complicated to handle if you were away, not there to see it. So when Zackley announced that you were free to go, that only the payment of the fine was maintained and Shadis said to Erwin he was willing to take you in the Training Corps if you decided to leave, it just seemed like the right thing to do. 

It would be easier if he believed it – that you _wanted_ this. It would be easier if he hated you. Even if that thought was somehow much more harrowing than the idea of being separated from him. Averting your eyes, you answered, with a tone trying to sound as flinty as his, “I did what I had to do so you could be safe. Get over it, I’m fine.”

You then realised, in the four years you have known each other, it was the first time you ever lied to him, and as small and futile this single lie was, it was just too significant here. 

So that’s it? Were you really parting now? Were you _really_ running away? Levi turned around, his back facing you as he placed himself in the middle of the room, and terrified this time, you allowed your eyes to roam over the back of his neck, his skin so smooth and so fair next to the midnight darkness of his hair, after sliding to his shoulders, strong under his top as it clung to his body when he brought his arms around his chest, the muscles of his back crawling and clenching under the light piece of clothing.

You wanted to touch him, see his face, but you refused him to see yours, stinging eyes and itching tears beneath your lids. A shaky breath escaped your lips when he spoke, his voice low and deep and so _warm_ , “I don’t understand.” Why was his tone so...fragile? “Erwin did everything to make sure you won’t end up in jail and now you just decide to leave?”

Letting his arms fall back against his sides with a heavy sigh, his fists balled as his face slowly turned in your direction, his eyes fixed somewhere on the floor, jaw clenched, brows furrowed. It would just take his orbs a fraction of movement to look at you, but they didn’t move, avoiding and distant, as you forced yourself to speak despite the hoarseness of your voice and despite the lack of air. He needed you to – he _deserved_ you to. “He gave me the choice—”

“And you think it’s the right one?” His face turned back to the wall in front of him, his voice returning to its sober timbre, sharp as he interrupted you, his nails digging into his palms, waiting for an answer.

You already had this conversation before, it wasn’t the first time you ended up like this, wondering whether you should tell him the truth or not. It happened after that first night you spent together, with entwined hands on his desk. But somehow, today, the honesty that had so cautiously nurtured the base of your relationship was becoming what would make it crumble. Because this truth was a harmful one, and you deliberately used it in this intent. But still, your own want to keep him by your side, and to protect him from the void swelling in your stomach was stronger than ever when you approached him, warily placing one of your hands on his arm, your thumb gently stroking his skin as to hush his troubled spirits.

He stiffened under your touch, then flinched as you nudged somewhere in the crook of his neck, hot, pulsating, breathing him in, still querying if maybe you should lie to him once more, find an excuse that would protect him from this truth instead of hurting him, so those wistful eyes could never be seen again. But you couldn’t, not when he was so close, not when his warmth seeped from his skin to your own, and not when the only thing you could hear was the quiet gasp escaping his lips as your hand coasted to his clenched fist, waiting for it to relax and hoping at some point his fingers would find a way between yours, laced and connected as it used to be. But he didn’t move, he only flinched again, and froze completely when your answer fell, with quivering lips on his skin.

“ _Yes_.”

Now, that was it. Now, you were gone, and he wouldn’t be able to try and hold you still because Levi would never question your choice as long as you thought it was the right one, no matter if he didn’t agree to it. You knew this was the only way he could allow you to go away and, you felt so _guilty_. And you had no idea what you were doing, _why_ you were doing this, but it seemed to be the only thing you could do at this moment, to calm yourself down, to tell him you still cared, and that the effect he had on you was intact despite anything he may be thinking – or that you _wanted_ him to think. You knew your words were cruel, that you should let him be now, but you couldn’t. Not yet. 

Your fingers moved up to his shoulder on their own, lightly pressing in askance for him to turn around, and he obliged, seemingly reluctant as your eyes kept avoiding his, held on his chest before you leaned in, burying your face in his neck again, nuzzling in his scent, savouring the taste of his skin as you pressed your lips on the throbbing vein under his jaw, kissing, opened-mouth until you met his clavicle, your hands resting on his shoulders, bringing him closer until his body was back to being aligned with yours. He heaved again, ever so quietly, the sound only audible because of how close his lips were to your ear before he hissed, his voice softly and deeply vibrating against your drum despite the harshness it was wrapped in, “[F/N], stop.”

Goosebumps trailed your spine, your stomach knotting as you slowly became oblivious of his every word, letting go of his skin just enough to plead quietly, and selfishly – cruelly – in his own ear, terrorised by the idea of letting him go now, “Please...” _Let me touch you. One more time._

You closed your eyes, making sure you wouldn’t meet his gaze the moment you pressed your lips against his, too afraid to know what you could find there, as your heart exploded in your chest, the rhythm of his own pulsating against your flesh, your fingers finding their way to nestle in his hair, so sleek and soft under your pads. And despite his unmoving stature, he opened his mouth just enough to let you in, and maybe it was just because he was too startled by your actions to keep them locked, but you wanted to believe the gesture was willingly done, allowing you to _taste_ him, take everything you were able to take while you still could. 

But he was only bitter, with no sweet aftertaste to linger on your tongue like that first time his lips fell on yours. So your arms wrapped around his neck to bring him even _closer_ , to taste him even _further_ , delving deep inside of him, in search of something you just weren’t able to find.

Crestfallen, and possessed by the way his warmth slithered under your skin like a disease you couldn’t get a cure of, only your lips pulled away from Levi’s, your nose sliding against his with hands moving to the centre of his chest – to make sure his heart was still pounding as hard as your own – when you murmured between two shaky breaths, “Levi, please...”

His heart lurched beneath your palms the moment the words left your lips, your eyes _stinging_ under their lids, suddenly as you closed in again, with a gentle push of your lips against his. What were you waiting for? _Why_ the only thing you wished for in this moment was to see him lose his controls again? You hurt him, even if he would never admit it, and you still expected him to want you, to take a move and hold you once more, causing that sense of guilt to crash back on you abruptly, as all the fondness and gratitude and respect you held for him took the lead. 

But just when you were about to cease your actions, his hands were on your waist, barely gripping and pressing you just that bit more against him. And the blame was long forgotten, lifting up in an instant as your lips moved to his jaw again, your fingers snaking their way under his top, the muscles of his stomach firm and rippling beneath their tips, with an insatiable crave to feel him _more_ , to feel his _warmth_ more, and when his name fell from your lips at some point, his own hands hesitantly slid to your lower back, pulling your own garments up enough so they could fall flat on your skin, with a struggle that was just too obvious, as if he tried to figure out what _he_ really wanted himself. And _you_ wanted him to be _sure_ , to want _you_ , and make him forget about the fact you just told him that going away will be better than staying with him, utterly blinded by the way his skin was so hot and soft and _him_ on you.

So you dropped back to his neck, your teeth gently nipping the warm and throbbing perfection of his flesh, your tongue lapping the salt of his skin, your teeth sinking deeper and deeper into it with each small breath escaping his lips or with each small press of his palms on your back. 

Then all of a sudden, with something darker that ignited inside of him, Levi roughly grabbed the hair on the back of your head, _almost_ painfully as he forced your lips on his, exploring your mouth like he never did it before, pushing you until your back knocked against the wall behind. With the fingers that weren’t tangled in your hair, he slid up to your spine, then moved to your side as his arm squeezed your waist tightly until the little space left between you two became nonexistent. And you were so _cruelly satisfied_ , because Humanity’s Strongest was now _weak_ and _vulnerable_ and it felt so, so _good_ , and there was absolutely no part of you left that wished to see him in any other way than how he was _now_ , as you could almost sense that _sweet_ taste prickling back at the tip of your tongue, and the only thing you wanted was _more_ of it, more of that sweet taste, and more of _him_.

So you let your nails dig into his flesh to let him know, and he complied to your request again so _kindly_ , Levi reading into you without you needed to voice anything as he always did, and his fingers loosened from their forceful grasp in your hair to caress it an instant before his palms fell back on your scalp, protecting your head from banging against the wall as he deepened the kiss with a tenderness that wasn’t previously there, pushing you, sucking at your bottom lip, then giving it a small bite the moment a moan vibrated inside your chest. And in an instant, the bitterness became the aftertaste and it was that _sweetness_ coating your tongue, and it was so soothing, and relishing, almost making _you_ forget about the things you just told him – things you have done.

With a sudden urge to give rather than take, and despite the unceasing shudder of your legs, your hips languidly began to _move_. Levi’s grip on your hair tightened, inhaling sharply between his yearning kisses as you _pressed_ yourself against him – _grinding_ him until you eventually felt him starting to harden beneath you.

Pulling away from your lips, he latched onto your neck with that growing need to feel _more_ , nibbling and sucking unpredictably gently until a scattered gasp shook your body, and the stir of your hips halted just enough for your trembling hands to lower to his belt, laboriously unbuckling it before you torturously, _slowly_ slipped between his pants and his underwear. 

The moment your fingers grazed the _warm_ bulge that kept mercilessly throbbing under their tips, the sound that came out of Levi’s throat shiveringly travelled down your spine as his own fingers trailed it up, skimmed over it, with a visible sense of contentment at the number of goosebumps covering your skin. He _groaned_ , ever so quietly, but still, it was enough to send your own need in overdrive, pulsating relentlessly into every part of your body, leaving you panting, your heart pounding so hard you were sure it was what inspired Levi to next _bite_ at your neck and let his teeth sink deep into your flesh.

Dazed, you forced your hand to keep on with its lecherous movements, fondling him, gently until his hips slowly started to push against your palm, wordlessly and _eagerly_ asking for more again. So you _rubbed_ him slowly, gradually adding pressure until Levi let go of your flesh, his nose buried into your neck instead of his lips as his quiet gasps tickled your skin, hot and humid with his hands balling against your back, your scalp, as he became _hard_ under your fingertips.

Abruptly, as you moved to the hem of his boxers, mere seconds away from snaking in and touching him, his fingers clasped around your wrist resolutely, holding back any of your movements, as his face lifted back to yours. And he was so miserably perfect, his pupils blown inside the drunken cobalt rings they were held in, his cheeks pink-tinted, lips swollen and glistening as his laboured breaths blew on your face and he was still pulsating under his clothes as he pressed himself against your hip. And you felt so arrogantly _proud_ , committing the sight to memory, knowing it was all because of _you_ , and he was _Levi_ , impenetrable and _cold_ and yet, he was here, so _warm_ and helpless under _your_ touch.

But then, as your own drunken gaze focused back on his, you realised his expression was much more abstracted than what you originally thought it was. He was serious again, his breathing returning to its steady rhythm as his face slowly darkened, his eyes narrowing and lips pursing before he spoke quietly, yet his tone coming out as an inexorable command, “ ** _Stay_**.”

You felt your own eyes widen, as you tried to swallow the lump that suddenly appeared in your throat. And the guilt was back again. Because you only now realised the consequences of your actions. For a moment, you made him believe your resolve had vanished somewhere between his caresses. And it may did, for just that moment but, you couldn’t. You just _couldn’t_. 

Placing the hand he wasn’t holding captive on his cheek, you leaned in carefully, brushing your lips against his own, trying to distract him from that truth you were carrying so reluctantly, and yet unwaveringly on your shoulders. Which you just refused to remind him it existed as you whispered, “I’m here, Levi.”

And suddenly, he pulled away, turning his back to you with a “Tch,” leaving you abashed as he swiftly fastened back his belt, snarling, “Don’t play dumb with me.”

Your heart dropped to the floor, your arms wrapping around your chest, protecting you from the sudden sense of shame that washed over you as you just started to proceed what happened when your body became cold again at the loss of his closeness. Tears stung back at the corners of your eyes, almost impossible to blink away the moment he shifted back to you, inexplicably appearing way more furious at himself than he was at you when he snapped, all the lewd appearance on his face completely gone, “Did you really expect me to just fuck you?”

His eyes moved to yours for an instant, then lowered to scrutinise your figure with a frown before he turned back again. “Shit. How could you even think I’d want this?” What the fuck was it supposed to mean? He _visibly_ wanted this. As much as you did, and now he just decided to play it disgusted? “I can’t. Not like that.” Oh... 

Of course. Levi would never have allowed something like this to happen if you weren’t utterly clear minded – which you weren’t in any way at this moment. Why was it only becoming obvious now? Looking back, you weren’t even sure of what you were trying to do anymore. You were just supposed to show him you still cared, not to use his senses against him and treat him as if he was just an animal, ready to submit to his urges just because you dared to approach him too close – and even less to let yourself act this way.

“That might not be such a bad idea after all.”

Nausea washed over you as you tried to think of a way to get him back to the way he was in moments prior, your legs trembling with fear, your heart threatening to burst. But you knew it was impossible. And you deserved it. You deserved the disdain he was obviously holding for you now.

“Your recklessness would have got you killed anyway.”

A fire lightened inside your lungs, turning every particle of oxygen remained into a strangling smoke as Levi made his way to the door. 

Do something. Do something. Do something... “May as well avoid another pointless death.”

And in an instant, all too quickly, he was gone.

 

* * *

 

Your leg met the worn out leather of the kick shield with a creaky bang, forcing Ben to recoil as the impact left the imprint of your muscles into the heavily-stuffed piece of fabric. Ben looked at you with widened eyes, a playful smile suddenly lifting up one corner of his lips when he remarked, “Someone’s angry, today.”

You hummed in response as you stripped yourself of the hand wraps, not feeling like continuing with training anymore, your thoughts elsewhere, too preoccupied to count how many days, hours, or minutes were left until you will have to depart for Trost. 

“Arlert threw up on your shoes again?” Ben scoffed, sitting on one of the exercise benches after laying the kick shield on the floor.

Your nose crinkled at the memory. “Please, I’m just starting to recover from this. No need to remind me.”

Ben sniggered, seemingly still too amused by the incident as you grabbed your towel, patting it on your neck and forehead to wipe yourself off the sheen of sweat that clung to your skin.

“Then what is it?” he insisted, with a shrug.

You pretended not to hear, humming again before taking the flask Ben was handing you, gulping it almost halfway so you could borrow some time to gather your thoughts before he would force you to speak. You trusted Ben, as much as you trusted Shadis here, even more maybe but, you doubted that telling him about the apprehension that had been devouring you those past few days would help you out in any way. 

You didn’t even pronounce his name in those last two years, so explaining how distressed you felt now to know you would probably have to be facing _him_ in just three days was out of thought, your body wasn’t able to. Not mentioning him was as if he never existed, it was easier this way.

Your stomach churned, your blood running cold despite the sweltering heat of the room, forcing you to sit down next to Ben, concern in his eyes. “You’re scared to see them, huh?” 

Shit.  You jerked your face in direction of Ben, trying to figure out how the fuck did he always managed to know what was going on inside your mind so clearly. 

“Since Shadis said we’ll be in Trost at the same time you’ve been more irritated than usual,” he explained, taking back the flask to put it next to him as your knuckles went white from the vice grip you didn’t realise you had on it.

_Irritated_. If it could only be this.

Your lack of answer only confirmed Ben his assertation was right as he hummed thoughtfully, probably trying to find a way to reassure you. But you knew none of the things he could say would be enough to ease the dread wobbling in the pit of your stomach at the mere idea of having _him_ standing a few feet away from you. And not only because it was _him_ , and not only because of everything that happened, but because you missed him – _so fucking much_. Still, after all this time.

You didn’t understand. Somehow, even if it still hurt, you had grown to accept Linn’s, Dimitri’s death, just like you accepted Anne’s and Adrian’s and Fran’s and Everard’s and everyone else’s who fell on the way. But _him_ , as much as you tried to spurn his memory, to forget about him, it was simply impossible. Because you knew he was there, somewhere, doing whatever he could be doing and speaking whatever words he could be speaking, _somewhere_ , not here. You could reach him, and you couldn’t at the same, and it was like you were just doomed to an endless torture.

What will you say? What _could_ you say? And what could you do? You tried to push the thought away. Who knows, maybe you wouldn’t see him, after all. ‘Maybe. Hopefully. Please,’ you wished. Just not seeing him, was all you wished. Because if you ended up being confronted with his _face_ , if you ended up feeling his _warmth_ again, you knew it would be enough for you to come undone again and make the semblance of strength you had gained back over those last two years vanish completely.

_Three days._

“It’s not like you decided to leave, though. I’m sure they got it now,” Ben naively mused, only bringing the guilt back to the surface with his words.

That’s what he thought. That’s what everyone thought here. That you had been _forced_ to leave the Survey Corps – home – after the jury’s verdict. Keith accepted to cover you up since having someone who spent that much time in the Regiment just leaving on their own free will when they weren’t in incapability or retired or _forced_ would have been even stranger than having someone being assigned to training kids to become soldiers – like that soldier who had just been accused of physically attacking another kid. Logic. At least you weren’t a monster in their eyes. You just did a mistake. One. It was okay. You were forgiven.

Sighing heavily, you stood up from the bench, drained, grabbing your belongings as you made your way out of the room, quickly followed by Ben as you muttered, wretchedly, “Yeah, probably.”

_Three days._


	18. Seventeenth

_“Can I ask you what it says?”_

Erwin’s stare shifted from the envelope to your face, his feet halting, leaving you two standing in the middle of the courtyard as the breeze wafted some strands of hair in front of your eyes, clogging your vision from the empty field ahead.

You felt your brows furrow as you tucked the locks back behind your ear, pondering about the things you should tell him and about the things you shouldn’t. He was in right to ask what this _thing_ was about from the moment you requested him to play the messenger but, there were things you needed to keep for yourself – things you needed to keep for _him_.

“That I’d like Petra to be transferred into his squad.”

For a moment, you almost wanted to tell Erwin to give you back that letter, to destroy it along with the poor apologies carved in it, and just forget about it. But naively, there was a part of you wishing this would manage to ease whatever feelings _he_ could be holding for you now, whether it was disdain, or resentment, or complete indifference – the latter oddly making its way to your heart in a much more stabbing pain – even if you doubted it could.

Another blow of shivering air fanned over your neck, travelling down your spine as your clothes flapped against your skin with a semblance of due ruthlessness when your thoughts slipped to the deliberately forgotten cloak still laid somewhere inside your room.

His attention going back to the piece of paper, Erwin hummed with understanding, fortunately finding your part-answer sufficient, his feet going back to their rhythmical pace as he slipped the letter in his pocket. “I see.”

You followed quietly, your legs heavy to carry – your _body_ heavy to carry. Almost instinctively, yet, diffidently, your eyes lifted to the warm light dimming from one of the windows as you approached the building. It wasn’t the only one lightened beneath the night sky and still, it was the only one you could see. And you imagined him, sat at his desk with the lamp radiating on his marble skin and his blue, _blue_ eyes, glossed and bright. A sight you could only imagine now. _Imagine_ his forearms leaning on the desk as he deftly tears the envelope open; imagine him pausing when he takes in your writing, and imagine him throwing the damn paper away or just stop reading or start frowning or cursing at the number of times the word ‘sorry’ was coming into view. Sorries you didn’t really know yourself what they were for; sorries for saving him; sorries for losing control – too many times – or sorries for making him lose his. Sorries that were saying, ‘I don’t want to go but I need to’ and ‘please, don’t hate me even if you will’.

“Indeed, he still has to finish forming his unit,” Erwin remarked, forcing your eyes to drop back on his shoulders as they sagged in content when he added, “That’s quite a good idea. She worked well with Eld and Gunther on the expedition.”

The time surely wasn’t the best suited to ask for anything, especially anything resembling a favour but, Petra _did_ well, _really_ well, actually, despite the ‘difficulties’ she encountered at first. She would learn a lot from them, and hopefully it would be enough to pay back for leaving her – _as well_ – and hopefully, he would understand, and put those _feelings_ he held for you aside.

“He probably tried to convince you to stay.” Erwin’s words resounded blandly, forcing you to slow down from his previously matching pace when you took in what he was saying. Blood rushed in your temples, and a lump formed itself at the back of your throat as the memories of what happened a couple of days ago came back to the forefront. 

“Don’t hold it against him if he’s been harsh on you.” Before you even had time to question if Erwin may know things you wish he didn’t – about you, about him – your worries turned out stillborn when he continued, “You know how meaningful our fight is for him.”

A quiet, relieved sigh fell from your lips. So, Erwin thought it was all about this – _fighting_. It probably was, in some way. After all, he himself must have received his load of critics when _he_ learned about your departure. But, it was better this way; none of you needed a lecture on fraternisation on top of the already high pile of shit you had been accumulating these past weeks. 

“He will understand, I’m sure. It might just take some time.” _Some time_. Your stomach churned. “It’s been quite a shock, after all.”

Since when did Erwin try to reassure you? Since when did he prioritise your personal needs over Humanity’s? This felt new. And yet, isn’t it what he had been doing since you came back? “Erwin...” 

With hesitance, and somehow suddenly afraid of what _Erwin_ could be thinking, you asked, “Do you resent me for making this decision?” _Too_.

One last shiver whipped your back before you entered the barracks. You kept your eyes low on the floor, worried to know what could pass through his face as he looked for an answer, taking what seemed like way too much time before he finally asserted, “I don’t.” And strangely, you felt relieved again. “I have to admit I still have trouble to understand, but I can see why you think it may be a better option.” Then he quickly corrected himself, “It _is_ a better option. For now, at least.”

_A soldier not willing to fight is the same as one who stops fighting at all._ Maybe Erwin was not really putting your own needs first, in the end. You were not any good for Humanity anymore – more a complication than anything else in the state you were currently in. It made sense he accepted it – _advised_ you to leave. It _was_ the better option, for everyone.

“Maybe being with these young people will do you some good.” Erwin’s voice echoed throughout the stairs as you walked up to his floor. “If you find something there, and you’d want to come back...” _Something_. Did he was speaking about your convictions again? Did he really think that being surrounded by naive, full-of-hopes kids, who will inevitably regret to have enlisted the moment they will encounter a titan will do you some good? “...you’ll be welcomed.”

Your brows twitched above your narrowed eyes. Was it some kind of experiment on his part? Like that thing he tried to do with Petra? Did he try to play you? Again? And yet, quickly, your irritation wore off and you found yourself not minding, realising that, despite all your attempts to draw away from him and look for something you could blame him for, Erwin accorded you privileges and aid more than once those past months – years – when it was the last thing you were asking for; and it was a sense of gratitude that suddenly flowed over you. His efforts, still made in his own way, detached, couldn’t go unnoticed. 

Yet, you knew you probably won’t come back. Your stay at the Training Corps, no matter how long or short it would be, probably wouldn’t be enough to deal with the years of doubting you carried but, who knows, maybe weeks or months or years of rambling and whining of these kids will actually make you miss the Titans, and the survey, and the cadets pissing themselves on a first expedition.

Registering your lack of answer, Erwin quickly brushed off, “You are leaving at eight, right?”

“Yes, tomorrow.” You sighed heavily, with a weird _sad_ pang in your heart as you both stopped walking when you reached the door of Erwin’s office, still not quite realising you were _actually_ leaving, and that only a few hours were left before you _actually_ would.

“Fine. I’ll let you finish packing then. I’ll be there before the carriage departs,” Erwin answered, his hand on the knob.

Please, no. “You know, I think it may actually be easier if I don’t have any goodbyes to say.”

Turning back, he eyed you for a moment, with a raised brow at your hurried tone before sighing, “As you wish, [F/N].” Then, as he opened the door, he added, softer, “We’re probably going to meet up again anyway.”

Before he could close the door to leave you alone in the corridor, there was a sudden drive pushing you to call him again. And you had no idea if it was just to avoid it – the loneliness waiting for you – for at least a little longer, or because you felt like you _had_ to say it, even if you knew you would hate it. So you hissed, “Erwin.” 

The room opened again, your head bowing a little as to hide your features when you muttered, the words sour on your tongue, “Thank you.” _Shit, that’s hard._ You forced your right hand in a fist, lifting it up to the left side of your chest, almost cringing at this point, your voice a rasp when you added, “For everything.”

You looked up to Erwin as your hand lowered back to your side, still tightly clenched and floundering. There was a hint of amusement on his face, for a second before it disappeared and there was a semblance of softness coating his features, something you had never really seen on him, as if he looked _touched_. It was unfamiliar and yet _comforting_ and your breath hitched as he gave you a firm nod, returning the salute in response in such a heartfelt manner you wondered how it was possible for you to despise this act before. 

How did he manage to do this?

Your head lowered back, suddenly feeling uncomfortable and exposed and yet _better_ – as if this only thing was enough to convince you everything would be alright and you _did_ make the right decision and it was all _okay_.

Erwin wished you luck, and then the click of the door resounded behind you as you made your way back to your quarters, _lighter_ , easier to carry. The corridors were soundless and only your footsteps thumped in the stairs as you climbed them. The night felt a bit warmer and for a moment, your feet followed the path they had been following these past months, forgetting they couldn’t anymore, forgetting they weren’t in right to anymore; up, not to your floor, but just the one under – _his_.

And thankfully, you remembered your place before your fingers could clasp the doorknob, and your hand dropped along with your heart as you recoiled, barely processing your almost-mistake. _Fuck_. Your eyes lowered to your feet as the faint light under the door stripped over them, your boots somewhat golden, and your shallow breaths filling the rest of the dark and empty corridor.

Suddenly, it was cold again, and there was only the humidity dwelling in the walls that seeped under your skin – cruel when you knew only that door was holding you back from sensing _warmth_ again. A door you couldn’t open, though. A door you had been the one to close.

A small rustle echoed from his office in the oppressive silence of the castle, making the veins in your temples swell, making a lump form again at the back of your throat. _Levi_... Your hands itched, desperately wanting to turn that knob and enter and see him and try to make up for what you said and done but, you _knew_ you would fail again.

So, you walked back quietly in direction of your room, ignoring the prickling of your skin as you heard a chair scrape against the floor when your feet fell on the stairs again, in the too long distance of the corridor.

 

* * *

 

“Hey.”

“Oh.”

“You shouldn’t be here you know that?”

“Y-Yes, I’m sorry. I’ll go back inside.”

Armin looked at you with deer-caught eyes, beginning to push himself up before you sloppily sat down next to him with a sigh and the creaking sound of the wooden porch. “It’s okay. I don’t mind.” 

The boy inspected you for a moment, anxiously trying to figure out if you really meant what you were saying and wouldn’t end up punishing him at the last second for sneaking out after curfew time. 

He had his answer when your back fell down on the floorboards with a growl, your hand on your forehead as you already started to regret the little _celebration_ you had with the other instructors, drinking – you weren’t really sure what – and cheering because ‘in a few hours you would finally be freed from the whining kids’. 

No, having a few more refills, wasn’t a good idea.

“Are you alright, Sir?”

Well, at least, it managed to get these _thoughts_ out of the way. “Huh?”  Your hand fell from your face, slack against the floorboards and your head was spinning too nauseously for you to turn it in direction of Armin, your eyes transfixed on the navy sky above, festooned with a few stars, hazy looking and somehow a bit too bright for you to keep peering at them.

“Maybe you should go to sleep, Sir.”

There was some concern in Armin’s voice. How cute. That kid was cute. Cuter than the others. “I’m fine.” Too cute to be in the military, though.

“Are you sure?” Well, you _were_ pretty tired. But your room was cold and lonely. Here was warm and not _too_ lonely. 

So you spoke, already forgetting Armin’s question or the fact that you were his instructor and shouldn’t be here in the first place and should be scolding him and not initiate a conversation you didn’t really want to have or that you might forget in the morning. Yet, your tongue _spoke_ , “You want to join the Survey Corps, right?”

There was a pause, almost leaving you time to forget you even asked something before Armin answered, “I do.”

“Why?”

“Hmm, well, to free Humanity from the Titans’ hold.” 

Please, not this one. “Bullshit.”

You could still taste the liquor on your tongue, burning. Hopefully, you wouldn’t throw up. Or maybe you could. On his shoes. Get your revenge for last time. Maybe you went a bit too rough on the number of laps. But the kids deserved it, and your boots still stunk. Take back what you just said. Armin was _not_ cute.

“Sorry, Sir?”

“Yeah, you better be.”

“What?”

What?

“This isn’t a good reason to you?” Ah, that’s right. Humanity saving thing.

“It’s just not enough,” you answered.

Summer was settling in; the air warming and your skin humid. The stars seemed less bright now, easier to look at, and the last lump of alcohol remained at the back of your throat was swallowed before you whispered again, “It’s never enough.”

“I don’t understand.”

Of course, he didn’t. “You need something else if you really want to throw your life away.” You shouldn’t say that. You shouldn’t say that, you knew it and yet, you kept going, “The King and Humanity, it’s not enough.” Shut up. Just shut it, [F/N]. “You need something like...” Don’t say it. “...a fucking dream to keep going.” 

Your head spun with something else this time, something you couldn’t point yet. But there was bitterness on your tongue, from the retching liquid still running in your veins, and from that sickening hypocrisy now seeping into your nerves. And it was _wholly disgusting_.

Before you could regret anything you just said, Armin sighed next to you, and from the corner of your eye, you saw him relax from his overstrung stance to rest his chin on his palm as his stare lifted up to the sky. “Well, I do have one.”

You weren’t sure if you wanted to hear about it but, you didn’t retort either, so Armin continued, “I want to see the world, with Eren and Mikasa.” The angsty teen and the brute. “I mean...beyond Wall Maria, and beyond _here_.” His voice was soft in the night, full of hopes. It was _almost_ touching. “I’ve heard about all these landscapes, I want to see them.”

“You’re talking about that ocean thing?”

And suddenly, Armin jumped off his seat, straightening and blinking owlishly, his voice too high and too loud. “You know about it?” Oh god, he was way too excited now. It was headachening.

“God, shut the fuck up, Arlert,” you growled, your eyes slamming shut and your palm falling back on top of your skull.

Armin chuckled, and when you opened your eyes again he was rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly. “Haha, I’m sorry.” This time, he repeated, calmer, “So, you know about the ocean?” 

If you were pretty impressed by your ability to communicate in spite of the amount of alcohol you have ingurgitated earlier – that somehow have allowed you a break from its relentless whirl – now it was suddenly becoming hard to speak. “Someone...someone told me about it.”

Eve and Fran. They were into this kind of things. Books and legends and history. Always rambling about it.

“Don’t you want to see it, too?”

But that’s all it was. Legends. “I don’t believe it exists, actually.” 

You sat back up, too abruptly for the throb in your temples to stay soothed, your knuckles cut on the edge of the porch, your throat constricted, and your head hanging low. The world was whirling again, and it was difficult to breathe. Now the air was _too_ warm and your palms clammy. It took some time for your vision to adjust again on Armin’s worried face. Yet he didn’t say anything even though you could _feel_ yourself going paler, questioning instead, “Why not?”

You didn’t want to talk anymore. It was becoming too painful to be surrounded by someone who was just reminding you their laughter and their smiles and their _hopes_. “I’m going to sleep. You should do the same before Shadis sees you here.” Hopes that died with them. 

Standing up with a stumble, and the world spinning nauseously around, you walked off at a pathetically slow pace, trying not to look too ridiculous in front of what was still supposed to be your cadet, saying yourself to thank whatever Lord, if he managed to keep his mouth shut until tomorrow night. 

Still, you were only a few feet away when Armin called again, “Sir?”

You halted, your eyes rolling skywards and barking, “What?”

Only the breeze acted as a response for a moment, much to your irritation, and before you could keep going on with your way to your cabin, he said, “You were in the Survey Corps before you retired, right?”

Retired. That’s even better than ‘forced’. “And?”

“What was your dream, then?” Oh, please, no. Not that shit again.

You turned around, a scowl plastered on your face, and just when you were about to hiss again, tell him about how childish this whole thing was, the look on his face struck you down, and you couldn’t say anything anymore. Even despite your bleary sight, you could clearly see the candour, and the innocence, and somehow the _wisdom_ floating around him – almost making _you_ feel like the childish one, now.

“Armin...”

Maybe that was what was lacking, after all. Thinking about it, was there something else than your _duty_ towards Humanity that drove you to join the Survey Corps, in the first place? You couldn’t recall it, and it seemed too far off. Was it really all about this? Maybe there was _something_ , maybe you did have, too, a _dream_ , at some point. But which one, again? 

“If you think that’s something worth fighting for, then do it.”

You walked off, with a sudden sense of nostalgia suddenly mingling with the liquor seeping off your blood, wondering if you really wanted Armin to hear you whisper, “I just hope you won’t die too soon, that’s all.”


	19. Eighteenth

Pitchers clang and chatter thundered between broad smiles and peals of laughter, the large room brightly lighted and riddled with bragging teens who had replaced their uniforms by shirts and skirts and loose fabrics draped on their still scar-free skin. Your back rested on one of the stone walls, eyes wandering over the space around and not quite hearing Ben proposing you a drink for the umpteenth time and Emil telling him once again that you were fine – and eyes not so unconsciously shifting and stopping maybe way too often on the closed entry on your right, and heart hassling your ribcage with both pounding and fear from the moment you stepped in Trost this afternoon.

Your thoughts were elsewhere, even though you knew they should be on these kids, and it did hurt somehow – to know they wouldn’t be part of your everyday life anymore, and that their smooth skins were about to get torn now. But it didn’t hurt as much as knowing that _he_ was only standing streets away, and that tomorrow you might catch a glimpse of him in the crowd as he would leave for the expedition. Or worse, that _he _ could catch a glimpse of you in the crowd.

“Maybe I do need a drink,” you blurted out, interrupting Ben and Emil from their pre-argument and already regretting your decision as the throb in your temples tried to remind you the fact you were _already_ regretting getting drunk last night.

“Ah! See?” Ben slapped Emil’s shoulder playfully, grinning and earning a low growl from the blond. “I’m going to get it then.”

You watched Ben draw away with a not so subtle wink, leaving you alone with Emil as he leaned against the wall next to you with a heavy sigh, shoving his hands in his pockets before muttering a small, “Idiot.” You arched a brow at him, feigning offence with a smirk and instantly obtaining a frenetic wave of his hands as he hurriedly stuttered, “Oh, no. I wasn’t talking about you. Argh, I mean, you shouldn’t but...I was talking about Ben. Not you. You aren’t an idiot.”

You started chuckling, admittedly amused by Emil’s excessive worries and the owlish blink of his eyes. Quickly, with a droop of his head, he wrapped his arms around his chest, faking a cough until your mocking faded and you comforted, “I know, Emil. Stop stressing out so much.”

He hummed softly, and his shoulders seemed to drop back again as he looked at you with a somewhat demure look on his face before he turned it away. Silence fell between you for a moment, time stretching out to such extent you were forced to fidget and wonder what Ben could be doing considering how long he was taking to—

“You look good without your uniform.” Shit. Don’t go there, Emil. Don’t go there. “I mean, you look good with it too, but...” No. No. No. “...you’re really pretty.”

_My fucking god_. Your cheeks burned way too much now, and your eyeballs threatened to roll out of their sockets. That was really all you needed tonight. What do you answer now? How the hell could you make this situation less embarrassing than it already was? Emil was sweet – a sweet _colleague_ , that’s it. You didn’t want _this_. And now, how do you put this into words without hurting him? You tried to take a deep breath in, beginning carefully and keeping your eyes away from what you knew was his own blushing face, “Listen, Emil. I—”

“But you can’t win!” And suddenly, all the room went silent, not a sound to be heard except what you discovered was the echo of Thomas’ voice when you turned around. God bless you, Thomas.

Still, as relieved you felt to be allowed some extra time to gather your thoughts, the atmosphere of the room seemed to have drastically changed now – blithe to grave in just an instant, and you squinted your eyes to see Thomas, surrounded with a few others you weren’t able to catch a glimpse of as he faced Eren, who had Armin and Mikasa by his side as always on the other end of the room. Thomas’ voice was shaky and yet somehow resolute, as he continued, “You know full well, right?”

No one dared to utter a word around you, only eyes transfixed on the small group ahead with an odd sense of apprehension and _defeat_. What was that about, again? “You know how much had been eaten by them.” Oh... “We’ve lost more than twenty percent of the entire population already.” And suddenly, your heart clenched. “Mankind doesn’t stand a chance against them.”

Air got caught somewhere in your lungs for an instant as you watched everyone around hang their head low with that crestfallen look on their face. It was strange how Thomas’ words resonated in such a familiar and true way; how a part of you knew he was right, and yet, the fact that he and so many of these kids were thinking the same, terrified you to no end. You _could_ think this way. You _knew_ the horror. Most of them never saw a Titan in their entire life, and they were already giving up when they barely graduated. This shouldn’t be this way. Why did it sadden you so much?

Then, as you thought this conversation was now coming to an end, Eren talked, “So? You’re giving up because you think you can’t win?”

And Thomas began, “Well—”

But Eren didn’t wait for him to finish. “True. Up until now, it’s been a losing battle for mankind. But that’s because we knew hardly any...”

“Don’t you think we should say something?” Emil whispered next to you. 

Maybe you should but, you wanted to hear what he had to say, you _needed_ to hear what he had to say, somehow. “Wait.”

“We can’t defeat them using sheer numbers.” The way he spoke, he was so devoted, and he sounded so _old_. “We may have lost, but the knowledge we obtained from those battles is our guiding beacon of hope.” _Hope_. “Yet you’d discard the tactical progress brought by hundreds of thousands of sacrifices, just to serve yourself up on a silver plate?” Why did you feel so ashamed? “You’ve gotta be kidding me.”

The images of a ruined Shiganshina and a ruined Wall Maria flashed by before your eyes. Eren knew Shiganshina, and he still believed it was possible. He wasn’t like everyone else here. He _had_ seen it, just like you had seen so many of your comrades die in their hands, and you were here because you _gave up_ , and he was here because he didn’t.

_“I’ll kill every last of them and break free from these walls.”_

_“That is my dream.”_

_“Mankind hasn’t lost everything yet.”_

And suddenly he was gone, and Armin and Mikasa were running after him. “Wait, Eren!”

A moment of silence filled the room before everyone started to mutter words and complaints and praises, and Ben’s voice ordered on the other side of the room, “Okay now, everyone calm down, here.” And Emil commented next to you, “He really is something, huh?” 

It was getting too much, the air suffocating, and stomach churning. You needed to get out of here. You needed to breathe. “Hey! Where are you going? [F/N]?” Emil’s footsteps thudded behind you. “Wait! You were about to say something!”

 

* * *

 

Some specks of dust were floating over the moonlighted brick walls of the house, and some branches were scraping against the edge of the tiled roof above your head. It sounded, and it felt peaceful despite the few yells coming from inside. You didn’t know what these people were saying, you couldn’t quite hear them, and maybe you didn’t really want to.

_How did you end up here?_

Weirdly, there wasn’t even a quiver of your legs when you knocked, or a lump in your throat, or your mind telling you this was a bad idea and that you should get away before the door could open. Nothing. It just felt _right_. 

Only the winds greeted you of their presence for a moment as you waited, standing on the porch, eyes shifting between the shadows dancing behind the curtains and the door with a steady rise and fall of your ribcage. 

And then the door opened, and you weren’t really sure if you should look at whose face was in front of you now, knowing that there wouldn’t be any possibility for you to recognise it anyway. Yet, you did it, you looked back in front of you and only for a second did you ponder if coming here really was a good thing or not. 

His eyes were widened in what seemed like fear and surprise, dark brows arched high above them and his thin lips opened without really looking like they were taking any breath in. A pang of guilt clashed in your chest at how innocent and young and candid and  _scared_ he looked. 

His nose was slightly crooked.

And you wondered if it used to be this way two years ago.

“W-Why are you...?”

It probably wasn’t.

He never ended his sentence, the words dying out in small sighs in his mouth, and his hand clenched around the doorknob, probably trying to figure out if he should close it or not.

“I don’t know.” The corners of your lips were sad when they lifted up. “I don’t even know myself, actually.”

Strangely, he didn’t close the door.

 

* * *

 

“I’ve sent the last payment this morning.”

“Oh, good.”

Erik was stiff, and walking behind you, with his fists probably still clenched, and he didn’t really sound like he actually thought it was good. He probably was more worried about his safety for now, and probably already regretting to have accepted to come with you. 

It was understandable. 

It was the first thing you had told him since he accepted to go for a walk after you promised maybe too many times that you wouldn’t try to do anything to him.

“I’m sorry it took that long.” You could feel the hem of your skirt dancing around your ankles as you walked. Strangely, it didn’t feel too bad. “Unless what people tend to think, we don’t have that many benefits to hold on to.”

He took some time to answer, “It’s okay.”

There was silence again, only Erik’s and your footsteps tapping against the cobblestones of the small street. You didn’t know how but, there was a sense of harmony settling in the air, and you could almost feel the young man slowly starting to relax as he followed you. 

“Where are we going?” he asked.

“I need to go somewhere,” you answered. “I’m not sure I’ll get the time tomorrow.”

“Okay.”

 

* * *

 

The barrier squeaked shrilly as you pushed it open. Suddenly the air was cold on your neck, and it was getting stuck in your throat. Erik stopped walking; he must have felt it too.

“Are we going to...?”

“Yes.”

“I don’t think I should be—”

“You should.”

It took some time for you to hear back Erik’s footsteps again. Maybe he was still afraid you might do something if he didn’t follow. Maybe that was the only reason he was here now. But it didn’t really matter. You just needed someone. Someone that was alive.

There was something about this place, about the weeds and the wilted chrysanthemum, and about that humid breeze travelling between the graves. It smelled like _peace_.

Finding a path in the maze of tombstones wasn’t that hard despite your attempts to make the way as long as possible. Reunions, as much as farewells were, never really did anything good to you, even though today felt different, and even though Erik’s slow stamping on the cool grass brought a bit of comfort under the lonely night sky.

When your own feet stopped moving, your eyes didn’t need to lift up to see which names were inscribed on these graves. You already knew. You could _feel_ it, in your legs and their trembling and in the shiver shaking your spine. Erik stopped next to you, and you could feel his face turn in your direction as you sat down slowly on the gravel. 

Your eyes were low on your feet, and despite the lump in your throat you were rather impressed with how steady your voice came out when you murmured, “The graves are organised by teams.” You could see Erik’s fists clench in his pockets from the corner of your eye. “These six were part of my squad.” He swallowed thickly. “Two of them died that day.” And you did the same, laboriously, partly. “This doesn’t excuse anything but, maybe you could...” Understand? Forgive me? None of it sounded right. 

“I had no idea.” Thankfully, Erik didn’t seem to mind your lack of eloquence. 

“Of course, you didn’t.”

Erik sat down next to you. Not too close, and surprisingly, not too far either. He waited a moment before speaking again, “You know, I didn’t want things to go this far. My mum, she’s a merchant. We are...struggling, let’s say. She couldn’t afford to work on her own.” 

You hummed in response, thinking that this may be a bit too easy to say this now, but also perfectly aware that life inside the Walls could sometimes be as cruel as what was going on outside them. Different, but still harsh. 

“She insisted,” Erik added.

Your arms wrapped around your legs on their own, protecting you from the chill and protecting you from the memories of the years of famine you and Kuno had known a long time ago. Your voice was frail when you answered, “It’s okay, I understand.”

You did. You really did.

There was silence again, and your stare was still kept low, and before you could find the courage to lift it up to the tombstones in front of you, Erik scoffed, “These guys must have had a hard time with you, huh?”

Your heart clenched, _painfully_. “They did. At times.”

Another silence, and finding the force to look up became even more difficult. Your arms were now squeezing your knees and you wondered how a place could be so empty and full at the same time. Row upon row of cracked and crumbling stones and yet, barely any bodies nested under them. The ones who had been able to be brought back were few, and it could almost be considered a treat to be able to mourn the decaying body of a loved one and not just an empty coffin. And being able to mourn a body kept intact, and not just a limb or two was called a miracle in the Regiment. It was almost something to be proud of.

But how could you be proud of something like this?

Anne, Fran, Eve and Adrian weren’t here. Because Linn and Dimitri were too busy saving you. And now these two were here. They earned their treat. 

Yeah, how _proud_ you felt.

“I didn’t really mean it, you know.” Erik’s voice sounded like a murmur, so small in your train of thoughts you weren’t sure you really heard it. “I’m sorry. What I said was pretty fucked up. I guess I kind of deserved it.” So easy again. “I guess sometimes we don’t really realise what’s going on when you go there.” And your eyes were looking up now, and they were _stinging_ beneath their heavy lids. “It just feels...”

“Useless?” The word came out on its own, and it used to sound so right at the time, but now, it was leaving a sour taste on your tongue. “I know, Erik.” But was it really? “I know...”

The stone in front of your eyes was still smooth and marble-like, and you wondered how it would look in twenty, fifty years, if it would still be here, or if it would have left the place to another one, smoother, _more_ marble-like. 

But what if it didn’t?

What if it didn’t need to leave the place to another one?

What if that name stayed there?

And what if it all stopped?

Eren’s voice still rang clearly in your ears, and it left you shuddering way more than you wished it would.

 

* * *

 

The sky was clear above your head and above Erik’s house, now freed from any sound, and freed from any light. The darkness of his hair shone under the moonlight and it recalled you of someone you wished you could be able to forget. But his eyes weren’t the same, they were scared and hesitant and didn’t know what to say when he turned to you once he reached the front door. 

That’s right, no one else could have _these_ eyes.

“So...This is where we’re leaving, huh?”

A heavy sigh left your lips, and you had no idea if it was of relief or of something else. “Yeah...”

For a moment, none of you knew what to do or say, and you were left turning your face away, wrapping your arms around your chest and pretending to be looking at the street ahead when all you were doing was waiting for a ‘good night’ and a ‘goodbye’ and a ‘please don’t come back’. 

“You aren’t as bad as I thought.”

Your brows furrowed on their own, and your eyes shifted back to Erik when he spoke. This wasn’t what you were waiting for. This wasn’t what you wanted either. 

“I think we just both got carried away,” he continued.

Probably.

“If you want to come someday...”

Your frown deepened even more. “I don’t think that’s a good idea, Erik.”

His shoulders lifted in a shrug. His expression was soft, and too welcoming considering how his face looked because of you. “Well, if you want to, I won’t be against it.” Silence. “You could tell me about them.”

Your eyes were stinging again, and you didn’t really know what to do with them. They were kept away from Erik, and even your feet moved on their own when you said, “We’ll see.”

Erik’s voice echoed in the street with a ‘good night’ and a click of the door. It probably was the only thing expected during this entire night.

You kept walking, not really sure where, not really sure what you should do now, and not quite believing this kid and the one from two years ago were the same. There was guilt in your heart but you were left wondering if indeed, he may just did a mistake, and if you may just did an even bigger one, and if that was all there was to it. 

_Maybe_. Maybe it was as simple as this.

Why did everyone’s words sound so right tonight?

Why did that night feel like a blur?

You just kept walking.

 

* * *

 

The bench you were sitting on was cold, and the air blowing on your ankles even colder. Trost was silent now. There was no guard chatting and drinking in the streets around. There was no kid cheering or playing in front of houses. There was no one, allowing the city a bit of rest before the overflow it would get tomorrow, before the ceremony, before the expedition. 

There was something eerie about that night, something wrong, as if it was all _too_ quiet. 

The calm before the storm. 

_How did you end up here, again?_

You wondered which light was his in the building in front of you. Your heart seemed not to beat anymore, as if it constantly stayed clenched, letting the blood run until the pressure would force it to explode. It was hard to think. Or, it was hard to think of something else than the people inside that building; people who used to be comrades; people who used to be friends, family; people you cared about and people you loved.

You learned to get used to having your hands cold at night – you learned to have them empty. Yet, tonight they were freezing and they were holding onto the fabric of your skirt in desperation to be warm again – to feel something under them again. It still didn’t feel like enough. Even if you couldn’t recall how it was to hold someone else’s, how it made your skin prickle and the hairs on your neck raise, what a thumb could do when it drew circles on a pad or in a palm, and what a small tremble or a squeeze meant, it still felt like something was missing.

“Oluo, come back here!”

Suddenly, there was a rustle behind you, forcing you to open eyes you didn’t realise were closed and heart to jump again. The name sounded familiar, but the voice sounded even more so. You didn’t know how you manage to stand up considering how shaky your legs were, but you did, your instincts speaking for you and suddenly feeling like a prey, just wanting to run away as quickly as possible.

“Argh, come on, Petra, the night is ours!” 

_Petra_... 

“Shut up. Why did I even follow...” And then, she was in front of you, eyes probably as wide as yours, completely still and lips parted. “Squad Leader...”

You couldn’t move and you couldn’t breathe anymore. She still looked the same, and it was impossible to avoid her or take your eyes away from her. Even in the night, even with your bleary sight, she still looked like herself, and like _her_. Anne’s name on that stone appeared back in front of your eyes, and for a second you almost started to believe it was her ghost you were seeing before Petra talked again, “You’re here.”

It didn’t really sound like a question, but it didn’t sound like a statement either, as if she had trouble to believe it herself, and you wondered if she felt the same about you, if she also thought for a second you may not really be here. You started to question if you really were.

Your lips parted in search of something to say, eyes transfixed somewhere on the space between you two, only understanding now that Petra was still alive, that she was here, standing in front of you. She survived, and the thought was making your chest warm, and now you were pretty much sure you were _actually_ alive as well.

“Petra...Y-You are—”

“You two get back inside.”

And suddenly, in just a blink, you couldn’t breathe again, and the hairs on your neck were _raising_ , and your skin was _prickling_.


	20. Nineteenth

You didn’t understand.

“I told you the Captain was going to catch us.”

How in just this blink, things could have moved this far.

“Hurry up, brats.”

Another shiver.

“I have to go, Squad Leader but, you’ll be here at the ceremony, right?”

You didn’t even know how you had been able to give her a nod.

“I’ll see you there, then. I’m glad I saw you.”

The ground under your feet was quaking, with an unceasing tremble and leaving your head spinning, nauseously – horrendously. Maybe it was just your legs striving to keep you up, you weren’t sure but, you started to question if you would ever be able to take a step, or a breath again. You could hear the footsteps drawing away, every single one of them until they reached the building and all there was now was silence. Utter silence. 

Maybe you imagined it all.

“You’re here.”

That voice.

“Why?”

You could _feel_ him, right behind you, with that voice, ringing like sweet torture in your ears, deep and rich and yet, so _soft_ – _his_ voice.

“Whatever. I’ll escort you to your base, it’s late.”

And suddenly, before you even had time to understand what he was saying, you could see him from the corner of your eye, walking past you in direction of the street, and your heart _stopped_. It fucking stopped even if the only thing you could see was _this_ back, lean and strong and broad and small and _these_ shoulders, that carried so many things and yet never once dropped or rolled or broke and so _him_. 

“Levi...”

His name escaped your lips in a breath, as if saying it now was more natural than taking air; as if you said it every day for the past two years; as if your tongue never forgot how to place this two syllables next to each other. Just saying it, just pronouncing his name was enough to spread warmth to your fingertips – saying his name made it seem like your heart was able to beat again.

And you didn’t know how, but he heard it, as small and faint it was, he heard it and suddenly, he halted. 

You wondered if hearing it from your mouth had the same effect on him than the one it had on you when you were saying it.

“Don’t force me to carry you or something, [F/N].”

You felt your knees buckle under your weight, and it was so hard to stay still, to just _stand_ , and you didn’t know if it was because of the way _he_ was now saying your name, as soft and gentle as a whisper, or because his face was slowly turning to you. Because you could catch sight of the darkness of his lashes, caressing his cheeks as he looked down, even under his bangs, so dark and sleek falling on top of them. Because his jaw was still sharp and strong and perfect and _his_. Because his lips were still supple and peach and you were suddenly recalling how soft and how firm and tender and fierce they were when pressed on yours. Because you could see _him_. Because he was here. Levi. 

And that realisation was making your ribs tremble under the pounding of your heart, to the point it _hurt_.

Your own lips were parted, and you had only been able to notice it because you could feel your tongue crumple under the chill air of the night with shallow and hurried breaths – somehow hoping it would bring the oxygen back in your brain, make the giddiness stop. But now it was his whole body that was turning to you, and if you didn’t spend so much time without seeing him, you could have sworn he was being hesitant in his movement, for just a second, just a small instant before his eyes were in line with yours.

_His eyes._

“Come on, did you see a ghost or what? I don’t recall being dead the last time you saw me.”

They almost looked dim from where you were standing, but the moonlight flickered dust of silver into them, making that blue appear and _shine_ , and suddenly the air in your lungs, and the blood in your veins was taken away from you again.

_How did you end up here?_

_Why did it all feel so unreal?_

_Where were you again, five minutes before that?_

For a moment, you were just here, looking at each other’s face, eyes shifting from eyes to lips to body and to face again, not really knowing where to settle them, not really sure if it was _okay_ to look at him. But Levi _still_ being Levi, didn’t care if it was okay, didn’t care if he had the right to – eyes transfixed on your form without leaving it for a second, forcing you to turn your face away, look down, and wrap your arms around your chest. You were pretty much sure you didn’t blink once since he first spoke. 

The strands of hair falling on top of your eyes prevented you from seeing anything but the grass under your feet, and you had to admit to suddenly feel a little better, to suddenly feel a bit more comfortable, and despite the dryness of your throat, speaking became an option now.

“Can we...?” 

You hated it. How vulnerable and weak you sounded. You didn’t want it like this. You didn’t want him to think that you left for nothing – that you left _him_ for nothing. 

“What?”

What did you want? Now that he was here again, what did you want? 

“Talk?”

How ridiculous it sounded. 

“I have to leave early tomorrow. We can talk on the way.”

Your hands slowly fell back against your sides, clenching and nails digging into your palms. If there was one thing you were sure you didn’t want, it was to go back there, with unceasing questions and regrets. You wanted to hear that voice more, to see that face more, even if it hurt, even if it left you cold and shuddering, it didn’t matter, you _needed_ to have him more, with you, here. So you murmured, wondering if he would even be able to hear, “Here is fine.” 

_Why did it suddenly feel so familiar?_

But this time, he wasn’t giving in. “What do you even want to talk about?”

“I don’t know...I—”

“I don’t think there’s much we have to discuss.”

His tone was so harsh now, sending shivers down your spine and pangs in your heart. 

Find something. Now. “How are you doing?” 

Like you couldn’t be even more ridiculous.

“As great as it can be when I’m losing dozens of soldiers every month.” 

Another pang. 

“And you? How is it? To play the teacher?”

You could feel the skin of your palm almost break under your nails.

_What were you expecting?_

“Yeah, that’s what I thought.”

When you lifted your eyes, it was his back facing you again. “Let’s go.”

He despised you. He still despised you for what you had done. To the Corps. To him. But what could you say now? Two years later, what could you say?

“I missed you.” 

The words came out in a rush, in such a desperate rasp you felt like punching yourself once you realised you just said them. You meant them, with every fibre of your self. You meant them like you never meant anything before. But like this, with such a hurried tone, they sounded _too_ desperate. They sounded like nothing, and Levi didn’t even flinch, didn’t even turn around, he just hummed thoughtfully before saying, so _placidly_ , “So you haven’t found someone else to act as a stand-in, huh?”

You felt your eyes narrowing. “What?” He didn’t answer. “Levi, what are you talking about?”

He sighed heavily, his back still the only thing you could see, his voice still monotonous, still sharp in its tone. “You said it yourself.” There was a pause. “That you didn’t want it.” And another and your heart was _beating_ your ribcage. “To be alone.”

For a moment, there was absolutely nothing going through your mind. You couldn’t understand. None of it made sense.

“So did you find someone else or not?”

What did it mean?

Did he still... “I don’t care, anyway.” Liar. “I’d just like you to say it.”

The way he said it, the way his fists were clenching, it was bringing warmth to your chest again. After all this time, he still cared. He did, and at the same, knowing that he could think just for a second that you could want someone else was making your own fists clench, and your own voice snap, “Say what, Levi? I didn’t find—”

“What a shame.”

There was a storm in your stomach. “I don’t _want_ anyone else.” Why was it so liberating to say it? “What are you thinking, seriously? That I used you to—”

“Yeah, pretty much.”

And now there was rain in your heart, and it hurt so much more than anything; it hurt so much more than listening to the harshness of his tone; it hurt so much more than seeing his face. Because he was _hurt_. And you wanted to believe you had no idea how it happened. 

But you couldn’t. 

You couldn’t ignore it.

“Levi, please look at me.”

He didn’t move an inch – your heart was _sinking_.

“I never—”

And suddenly, before you even had time to figure out what to say next, in such a swift movement, he was in front you, his face, right in front of yours and his hands on your blouse. “Then what is it, [F/N]?” His eyes were so blue from up close. “You say you didn’t use me, right? Then what is it?”

“I...” can’t think. I can’t think with you like that. 

His breaths were blowing on your lips. “Just say it.”

Whatever he wanted you to say, there were no words able to reach your throat. It was impossible – _physically_ impossible. 

He looked like a painting under the moonlight, and you may didn’t see many in your life but, you knew this one was now your favourite. 

There was only silence, and the breeze and his hands and his face, and you wondered how he could even be asking any word from you when he was putting himself in such a state. Your lips were forced open and the only thing you could think about was his own parted ones only inches away from yours; how just a leaning of your head would be enough to reach them; how his eyes refused to leave yours for a second; how it looked like he was _purposely_ torturing you until you would give in.

And doing so was becoming a necessity before, abruptly, you were left in the cold again, his hands leaving you and his lips not so reachable anymore. “I see.”

He looked so _disappointed_ , and it was so unfamiliar – an expression you couldn’t recall to have seen before no matter how much you tried. “So why did you come here? What do you want?” 

Then what was it before? And why was it here now? 

What was he waiting for? 

“I’m sick of your bullshit, [F/N]. I think I’ve been patient enough with you.”

You recalled the expedition, you recalled the hands and the papers and the touches and the blue eyes and the trembling and the beating heart, and everything in between, everything before and after and _now_.

_Now._

The acrimony when thinking you could have found someone else.

The letdown when realising you couldn’t take a move.

The fire in his eyes.

The _wistfulness_ in his eyes.

Slowly, your fingers were growing limp on your sides, the skin of your palms freed from their hold and when your eyes focused back on what was in front you, there was nothing; nothing to look at anymore except the grass, except the bench and the night sky. 

When you turned around, Levi almost reached the building. “You never replied to my letter.”

His shoulders fell with a sigh as he stopped walking. “There wasn’t anything to reply.”

And your own feet approached him. “And you never answered me, Levi.”

“Don’t make me repeat—”

“Why did you do it? Why did you help me?” You had to know. You had to know now. “You could have just left me there.” 

He still didn’t move an inch for the time you were just behind him. “I never asked for anything. I never did.” There was nowhere to settle your eyes except the back of his neck. “So, why?”

Your voice came out as a whisper, and Levi was only hanging his head low; only breathing in deeply; only greeting you with silence. So you sighed in defeat. “Yeah, you’re no better than I am.”

And still, the moment you took a move to turn your heels and go, he was stopping you, with his hand clasping your wrist and his eyes delving deep in your own, and it was written ‘don’t’ in them, and it was that same resolute and yet _sad_ look he was wearing; the same he had the last time you saw him; the same before you ran away. And that look, and _this hand_ touching yours, actually _touching_ you was suddenly bringing tears to your eyes without you could even stop it; without you could do anything to stop it except bring a hand up your eyes to _hide it_ , to hide yourself – to hide yourself from him. “I never did, Levi.” What were you even saying this for, now? “I never did.”

There were tears trailing cold paths between your trembling fingers, and no matter how hard you could grit your teeth, no matter how screwed shut your eyes could be under your palm, you couldn’t stop it; you couldn’t stop the shake of your fingers; you couldn’t stop the pain and the regrets. The warmth of his fingers was too much. The image of his face even between closed lids was too much. 

Then, slowly, his grip loosened, and you were left cold again, you were left alone again, and there was a whimper escaping your lips.

And in an instant, the dank hand sheltering your face was forced to the side, barely leaving you time to sense the cold air on your skin and barely leaving you time to open your eyes before you could _feel_ him against you. There was a push, and _warmth_ , warmth all over you and hands on your cheeks and you felt like _falling_ , and your world collapsed, utterly destroyed and still, it felt so, _so_ good.

Then he started to move, his tongue warily tracing the line between your lips and his teeth nipping at the flesh to urge them open, and reason tumbled into oblivion. All you could do was let him in, and sigh in his mouth once his taste reached your tongue; as if it was better than air itself; as if _he_ was better than air itself. 

He was.

He always was.

Yet, quivery awareness shot in your veins despite the bold caress of his tongue the moment this so familiar bitterness touched your buds, and it was worse than bitterness, it was worse than resentment or fear or anything he could have tasted like before. He tasted like sadness. He tasted like _wistfulness_ , and the thought that it was your tears that could have brought him to kiss you, or that made him _feel_ like that, turned your own wistfulness, your own sadness into hot blood and clenching fists – an anger you didn’t know who it was directed to.

Him, or yourself.

Well too conscious that you would give in if you would let that warmth seep into your skin any longer, you arduously drove your palms to his chest, feeling your resolve waver for a second when you felt his heart _hammer_ beneath them. ‘Just like it did at the time,’ you think, your hands clutching fistfuls of his shirt but then force the thought aside and _push_ him, with a weak strength only able to have him take a step back away from you. 

And you were _already_ regretting it.

“Don’t take me in pity for fuck’s sake.”

For only a fraction of time, he looked startled, his eyes widened and lips hanging at your tone, and you _already_ wanted to reach again;  _already_ needed him back, and he saw it, as always, as if he still remembered every little betraying quirks of your face and his bewilderment melted in pure and utter fondness, and it left _you_ melting.

“You idiot. Since when am I taking you in pity?” The sharpness of his tone didn’t match the look in his eyes.

He was approaching again, slowly, gaze never shifting away from yours until he was standing close enough for you to feel his exhalations blow on your skin. “I’ve been growing insane these past two years.” 

You swallowed hard, eyes dropping and trying to find a place he couldn’t be in. 

But there was none. 

He was everywhere.

“I’m not letting you cry or go now.” Your knees were trembling, head spinning and heart pounding. “[F/N]...”

***

You could almost hear his own beat under his ribcage.

***

“What do you want?”

***

Taking a breath in had never been that easy.

***

“You...” 

***

_You’re everything._

 

* * *

 

His hair was _soft_ beneath your fingertips and his breath hot against your skin, sinewy arms deftly sitting you on the edge of the bed – still bouncy, still untouched – hands grazing your legs until he was kneeled down in front of you, and eyes lifting up in askance.

“Are you sure?”

There was no hesitation on your tongue. “Yes.”

After the hold of his gaze persisting for a few more seconds, he focused back on slipping off your shoes, his hands roaming your shins with both longing and fever, as if he _missed_ doing it, as if he never enjoyed doing this more than _now_ , and you could feel the muscles of your thighs clench as he skimmed them once he lifted back to you, bunching your skirt up a little before taking your jaw in his hands and delving deep in your gaze as he guided you up, turning you around and unlacing the strings of your skirt as his nose buried itself into your hair.

“Shit. You still smell the same.”

You couldn’t help the small smile lifting the corners of your lips as the smell of the room was impregnating your own senses. Despite the fact that this office was not the same as it used to be, despite the fact it was standing miles away from the one you used to go in, the warm light, the safety, the woody and clean scent were still here, intact. 

_Levi_ was still here.

You never felt more like home.

Levi turned you around again, his cobalt blues never leaving yours as he slid his hands under your skirt to pull it down slowly, leaving your legs in the warm air before his fingers nestled in your hair and your own trembling fingers reached for his shirt, eyes dropping to his chest.

“You know if that would only be about me, I would just rip your pants off and fuck you there and then.” _Oh my god_. “But I guess that’s special, so...”

Blood rushed to your cheeks, fingers almost tearing one of his buttons off at his words – so monotonously voiced – and you felt like choking and giggling and rubbing your legs together all at once. 

Then you heard him snort before he leaned in to place a kiss on your red hot cheeks, the sound and the gesture sending goosebumps all over your body and your cheeks were _burning_ now, your hands incapable of working on the so difficult task of removing his shirt. 

“You need help?”

“Shut up.”

Levi didn’t reply, but you could see the smirk on his face despite your eyes being kept low, and with time, and a bit of struggle, you could see the lean and taut muscles of his abdomen, his flawless skin glowing in the tangerine light in such a surreal way it could only leave your cheeks scorching with an all other reason this time, your breathing quickening, and blood humming in your veins.

Slowly, and shakily, the pads of your fingers were grazing the firmness of his skin, so soft and warm and you didn’t even care if you looked pathetically sheepish, because _he_ was under your hands, because _he_ was letting you skim him and he was here, breathing growing ragged and muscles contracting under _your_ touch.

And then he was the one sliding the fabric off his shoulders, swiftly before leaning in and capturing your lips with his, barely leaving your stomach time to twist at the sight of his shoulders, wildness brewing beneath the gentleness as one hand gripped the roots of your hair and the other snaked its way under your blouse and pushed on your lower back to press you against him.

This time, there wasn’t anything lingering on his tongue except sweetness, only sweetness and greed – a kiss speaking of things left unsaid, things he decided to make you _feel_ instead, coaxing you to abandon, and enthralling you with his touch. 

Focused on the sensation, your arms draped themselves around his back, hands falling between his shoulder blades to feel the flexing muscles of his back under fevered skin as he guided you to the bed, slowly laying you down with a creak and his mouth moving to your neck as he skillfully undid every button of your blouse until he trailed down your chest with long, liquid kisses that only rushed lust through your body.

He was looming over you, supporting himself on one hand, fingers placed next to your waist, and lips moving back up to your jaw with licks and small bites – _almost_ distracting you from the fact that his other hand was _dangerously_ moving down your hip. Then he straightened up, suddenly eager as he slipped your underwear down before throwing them to the side, grasping your knees and easing them apart with a shocking, possessive gaze slowly climbing up to your face, and you were left unsure for a moment, but then his mouth was back on yours, startling you with an heart-stopping tenderness, and you were left _liquified_ , and so, _so_ compliant. And even more compliant when his hand stroked the flesh of your thighs, _slowly_ snaking in between them and _rubbing_ , so gently and way too teasingly for you not to be left _purring_ under his touch.

Then his mouth dragged from yours and all you were seeing was these eyes, that had suddenly turned dark and yet, that appeared so alive, distracting you again from his movements before you felt him slide into you, and your eyes closed shut on the impact, arm draping over them to hide the contortion of your face and lips pressing to hold back the noises desperate to escape them. 

Your arm was immediately shoved to the side, Levi pinning it down into the mattress with a click of his tongue. That sound, and his eyes, and his fingers moving inside you making your head spin, making your body shudder and making breathing become a superhuman act. 

Small moans and whimpers and gasps found their way to your throat, your hips bucking against Levi’s hand on their own, with a sudden need that defied reason, his gaze latched on your face and his fingers working harder, rubbing and circling and tapping everywhere it made your legs shake. 

Wet sounds filled the room, and his chest was heaving above yours as the hand holding your forearm moved to enlace itself with yours, squeezing gently and his fingers moulding perfectly with yours. You didn’t know how such a simple gesture could be so significant in such a situation, but suddenly, everything that was holding you back crumbled, everything you felt sorry for or not worthy of vanished, and you felt _safe_ , like you didn’t know it was possible to feel _this safe_ before because there was him, and this hand and these eyes, and it was absolutely all you needed.

So you allowed yourself to get lost in this, eyes closing as his mouth fell on your neck again, with open kisses and nips and sighs, leaving you nearly maddened, and so greedy to feel _more_ , all thoughts becoming superfluous but one. The hand he wasn’t holding flew to his hair, strands tangling between your fingers and tickling your skin at how silky he felt. Your voice was barely an articulate breath, _pleading_. “Levi...?”

He hummed against your neck, the deepness of the sound vibrating against your flesh, his movement slowing down as he brought up his face to you again, question in his eyes – question you didn’t know how to answer except than by freeing your hand from his, guiding him out of you and lowering to his belt to unbuckle it. 

You could feel Levi still looking at you when he asked, “You’re sure you’re ready?” 

Placing a small kiss on his shoulder, you nodded slowly, certain as you unzipped his trousers, already feeling how hard he was under his garments.

“I don’t want to hurt you, [F/N].”

Your eyes lifted up to look at him, hands halting for a moment as you took in his expression, so soft and tender and _sincere_. 

It was suddenly hard to breathe again.

So you asked for air again, cupping his face between your hands to force his lips on yours, whispering between sighs and kisses, “I know.”

And then, after a few long beats of his stillness, his own hand was on the back of your neck, lifting your face up from the pillow to bring you _closer_ , moulding your lips to his in that sweet, _sweet_ flavour. Your fingers dropped back to the hem of his boxers, sliding it down halfway along with his trousers with trembling limbs. Levi’s arm found its way between your back and the mattress, lifting you up with an agile strength until your knees clamped his naked hips – sat on his lap as the pads of your fingers glided back down to him.

He was burning and throbbing beneath your fingertips, his lips parted and glistening when they pulled back from yours to have his gaze dive in your own again, suddenly drunken, and _yearning_ , and the only thing you wanted was to put _more_ of you onto him, so your lips fell back on his and he opened instantly to _let you_ put _more_ of you onto him. His lips were so soft and warm and he was pulsating so hard and becoming _rigid_ beneath your palm as you barely touched him, grazing and stroking so gently until _he_ would be the one begging – seemingly succeeding the challenge as it was now _his_ hips bucking against _your_ hand.

He sighed in your mouth, more and more hungrily – greedy mouth taking bold possession of yours and making mincemeat of your will – his taste intoxicating, and his tongue delving deep, willing to drink you with an unquenchable thirst as keen hands grabbed your hips to press them further against his – damp heat covering his hard one as you ground him.

It felt too good, but not good enough since your arm draped itself over his shoulders, supporting yourself, your legs so shaky you knew their only force wouldn’t be enough to push you up as you placed him between them, his hands holding you securely and guiding you lower, and lower and _lower_ until your teeth gritted and his nails dug into your flesh.

Suddenly, he completely stilled as your forehead leaned on his shoulder, eyes remaining on his lap, intently watching as he disappeared inside you. And as ravishing the sight was, the hiss coming from your lips couldn’t recede when you felt your muscles sting and desperately trying to stretch to welcome him.

Maybe you weren’t so ready after all.

After releasing a quiet groan and breathed out curses against your ear, and his grip loosening on your hips, one of Levi’s hands moved to your hair, pulling at the roots gently to lift your face back to his as you tried to hide the frown wrapped on your features and the few tears tingling the corners of your eyes.

His fingers drew circles over your scalp, his voice a song when he murmured, “It’s okay. Take your time.”

And in this moment, you understood how he was willingly doing it again – distracting you from the pain with his touch, his strength and the fondness you weren’t really sure how he built for you. 

And it worked, as it always did.

The sting and the burn started to lift slowly, allowing you to begin moving, rocking back and forth against his lap and knees pressing even _harder_ on his bare hips, as you could tell he was achingly trying to stay still beneath you, as to, like he said, not hurt you – instead letting his hands glide to your shoulders to finally slip off the light piece of clothing off your skin, quickly removing your bra with it until you were left naked, in all the senses of the word, flesh to flesh.

Brazen hands fondled the new area with care, with kisses so deep and warm and _loving_ when he placed them on your cheek, your neck, your lips. And then, as you were finally managing to relax onto him, incapable of restraining anymore, he was holding you up by the waist, and his hips _bucked_ up to yours, and they met each time so you could feel _all_ of him and he could feel _all_ of you. 

The way he moved, the way he breathed and touched you, it was deafening, and dazzlingly torturous.

Your hands slid to his jaw, eyes instantly meeting his as he was looking at you the whole time, and your frown fell, the _pain_ fell and there was only him. _Nothing_ except him, and those wet sounds and that musk filling the room – sweat covered skin slapping on skin and saliva glistening on lips and dampness coating laps.

It was both gross and yet riveting, and for a moment you wondered how _Levi_ could even be volunteering in such a _lewd_ and _messy_ act – how he could be _licking_ that sweat off your skin and not cringe at the wetness that was running down on him. But no, Levi didn’t care, Levi only closed your body tighter around him and kept _grinding_ , again and again until you were both slack and tense – _melting_ – in his arms, taking him to the hilt and matching his rhythm as he was tampering with your sanity, devastating your control past your own will until lascivious noises were coming out of your mouth.

Then suddenly, with hunger igniting and power radiating, Levi pushed your back against the mattress, swiftly throwing the last bits of clothing still bunched around his thighs to the side before his shaft was rearing hot and hard against you, provoking a cry of wicked delight as he picked up his rhythm, hands on your waist to map your body with his and ram everywhere it made your legs shake again.

You didn’t even know what faces or sounds you were making anymore.

The only thing you knew was that your hand had fallen on his arm, holding him tight as he lowered back to you, tongue skimming your trembling lips and teasing them apart as he was now supporting himself on either side of your head, hovering over you with smoldering eyes as you complied without thought to his demand, opening your mouth and diving in the driving force of his kiss.

And as the stir of his hips became unbearable, his hair was tickling your forehead as he lifted his face back to you, his intoxicated gaze delving straight in your own and his ragged breath sipping right from his parted lips to your own. He was everything you could see, everything you could hear, feel and taste.

And abruptly, your muscles were _clenching_ , nerves stretching taut – gripped in the building of a sizzling sensation with a breathless urgency.

But Levi slowed down, only allowing you to stay on the edge of that _something_ , one of his hand lifting your face by the jaw, and forcing your eyes to open. “[F/N].”

Levi’s voice, whispered and rasped, travelled down your spine with a shiver, forcing your eyes open, half-lidded and unfocused before meeting his face – the normally alabaster skin of his cheeks flushed, forehead laced with a sheen of sweat, and lips swollen. The azure steel of his eyes was molten now, only blue and blue only and glowing and possessed. 

You felt your body tremble again.

“You’re okay?”

You nodded quickly, absentmindedly and stoned under how caring he was being – everything but selfless as he always was. Your shaky fingers somehow found the force to tangle in the silk of his raven hair, weakly bringing his face to yours and laying breathy light trails of kisses on his heated cheeks before you murmured, with a voice not entirely steady, “Please, don’t stop.”

Pulling away just enough to add will to your words by looking at his eyes, your hands slid back to his neck, to his shoulders, giving them a small squeeze, as his own hand obligingly moved back to your hip and his rhythm went back again, _hard_ and fast with a grip on your flesh strong enough to bruise and guide you halfway through his thrusts.

And as you could feel yourself clench around him once again, he _moaned_ above your lips, suddenly straightening up and with clever hands, swiftly pinning your knees down the sides of your chest so he could delve _harder_ and _deeper_ with each stroke, and the coil in your abdomen threatened to burst as you _squeezed_ him, more and more as he was so _nicely_ taking notice of the places leaving you gasping – pounding over it again and again. “Levi...”

And now, it was his own breathing becoming ragged, his own eyes closing shut and muttering between gritted teeth, “Fuck.”

And in an instant, you were _gone_ , hauling a breath with shocking and drugging waves – Levi drawing you in by the waist, _closer_ , groaning and twitching and fists balling on your skin. 

Then it was done, and you were both shakily coming down with eyes you didn’t realise were closed fluttering open, Levi heaving as deeply as you were above you, sweaty and _so_ fucking perfect, with his grip loosening from your skin to place his arms back on your sides; arms that _shook_ under his weight; arms that _you_ were the one to support before they could give up, drawing circles on the veins swelling under his marble skin and lifting half-lidded eyes to his, a _smile_ , small and gentle lingering on your face.

You felt like falling again when the own corners of his lips lifted up.

  

* * *

 

“Couldn’t we just take a bath seriously?”

“It’s gross.”

Your eyebrow raised. “Gross?”

Levi sighed heavily as he poured some water onto your back, his hand scrubbing your skin in circles with a light force, leaving your limbs boneless and his touch as an opiate you had no wish to kick. “You’re just soaking in your own filth. It’s gross.”

You chuckled quietly. “ _Your_ filth, in this case.”

“Shut up.”

The not so irritated tone of his voice brought another chuckle up your chest, Levi clicking his tongue as he removed the foam from your skin with more water before turning you around by the hips. He kneeled down in front of you, placing the bucket next to him and rubbing his soap-coated hands together before massaging your shins, slowly running up your thighs and leaving your breathing hurried, head spinning and heart pounding because having such gentle movements coming from _his_ hands still felt unreal, and almost unknown – as if you were discovering it once again.

Your fingers nestled themselves in his damp strands, slowly combing through them as you felt his hands stroke the inner face of your thighs, slowly, and yet suddenly finding their way in between them – making you jump, and making you yelp and making your nails dug into his scalp as a jolt travelled from his hand to your spine.

He was now the one snorting at the goosebumps covering your skin. “Still?” You gritted your teeth, turning your head to the side in an attempt to keep your composure intact as Levi murmured, _devilishly_ pressing again, “I’ll remember that.”

You flinched again before he grabbed the bucket to pour the water on your skin, the foam sliding along your legs – closed tight on instinct as not to let him touch you again. “Shut u—”

The end of your sentence died out in Levi’s mouth as he straightened up in a flash, forcing the back of your knees to knock against the tub rim, hands on your waist to press you against him and your own on his shoulders in fear to fall over. 

_What the fuck?_

“Levi, wait...” you managed to murmur between two takes of air, alarmingly feeling the hardness grinding your thigh. “You need to rest.” And then his lips were on your neck, and his teeth sinking into your flesh, and you were only able to argue with a small, “Tomorrow...” Expedition. Ceremony. Thing. “Levi.”

“I waited too long.”

The grinding stopped. The kissing and the biting stopped and Levi’s eyes were suddenly aligned with yours, his hands on your neck with an unwavering tone when he affirmed, “I waited too fucking long, [F/N].”

***

There was always so many things laid behind these eyes.

***

Fierceness.

***

_Solitude._

***

There were stories behind these eyes.

***

Hardships.

***

_Hurt._

***

And there was also care.

***

_Longing._

***

You had no idea how they could look so dull from afar.

***

And yet so vivid from up close.

  

* * *

 

The silkiness of the sheets slid down your leg in a flutter. 

The air was warm in the room, and even warmer when it was Levi’s hand now covering your bare skin. It rested a moment there as the mattress sunk under his weight before it slowly glided to your side. 

A side that still hurt under blows. 

And a side that still tingled under Levi’s touch.

Not resting on this side had become a habit.

As if you were still afraid the pain could kick back in.

Levi’s hand stopped moving, and even beneath the blinds of your eyelids, you could see him lean in until there was now warmness on your cheek, soft lips cushioning their way down to the corners of your own.

There was a whisper. “Come back.”  A shiver down your spine and kisses on your jaw.  “Come back.”

A part of you wondered if you should open your eyes – see what he may or may not say if you didn’t.

But when his hand fell on the one resting next to your face on the pillow, you didn’t feel like playing games.

You didn’t feel like lying.

You never did, after all.

So you let your eyes open the moment his lips left your skin.

He looked taken aback for a second, as if he had been caught doing something wrong.

But Levi never did anything wrong.

And that was probably why having him forgive you when you did felt so significant.

His eyes had become soft again. “I thought you were asleep.”

Your hand gave him a small squeeze, your other reaching for the back of his neck to bring him closer, place sleepy kisses on his lips, on his cheek. Levi was the one to pull away. “You’re going to be exhausted tomorrow.”

You snorted, fingers tangling in his hair to keep him close. “In a few hours, you mean.” You barely felt the squeeze his hand gave yours in return. “And...same goes for you,” you added.

There was a smirk playing at the corner of his lips. “Yeah, I guess it’s my fault.” His face turned to the side. “I’m not going to apologise though.”

You could feel his heat radiate from his still bare chest to your own as he hovered over you, and it made greed spread to your fingertips as your free arm circled his neck all of a sudden, forcing him to stumble a little at your swift movement and his body to be firmly pressed against yours, warm and soft and firm. 

Your grip loosened when he started to relax, the hand on your side moving to your back and stroking as if he tried to calm down a child afraid to be separated from his mom.

“I don’t ask you to,” you whispered, fingers moving to his hair as his nose buried itself in the crook of your neck, breathing deeply and knuckles crushing your own. 

For a moment, there was nothing more than this hand – nothing more this warmth, and nothing more than Levi.

There was no death, and no titan, and no mistakes.

And as cliché it sounded, it felt like a dream.

Actually, you never had a dream as good as this before.

You didn’t even dare to think it was disgusting, that loving someone like this was too much or that it would bring you to an end.

No.

It just felt...good.

_Right_ , even.

“Levi.”

A muffled hum vibrated against your flesh, but understanding nothing else would come out of your mouth before his eyes would be in front of yours, Levi, quite reluctantly, pulled away from your skin, straightening just enough so you could see his face and feel his humid breath on your lips. And he smelled like tea and Levi and now, _you_. 

Your hand fell on his cheek, and he flinched a little when you caressed his cheekbone with your thumb. “I missed you.”

The moonlight scattered through the window. 

“So much...”

There was so much peace.

“But?”

And there was a moment where you found yourself thinking you wouldn’t mind a life of that.

“But nothing.”

It was so easy to breathe.

“Everything’s fine.”


	21. Twentieth

There were caresses in your hair when you woke up.

_“[F/N].”_

The voice speaking was familiar.

_“[F/N], wake up.”_

Familiar like able to make your stomach knot and your heart thunder.

_“I have to go soon.”_

At these words, your eyes fluttered open under the stripped light of the room, still dark, the sun barely rising behind the small wooden frame window above your head but the face in front of yours was beaming.

“Levi...”

His name seeped from your lips like water, like a cool, fresh sip of water you had been pleading to drink after years spent in a barren land with nothing but a parched throat.

He was sat on the edge of the bed, his body turned to you, draped with his trousers and his shirt. He looked beautiful – breathtakingly. In the simplest ways. But the words “go” and “soon” were ringing back in your ears with a humming and you knew that it would only be a matter of time before he would have the rest of his uniform on.

You never thought something that simple could make you this sad.

Then, he whispered something that sounded like a, “Hey,” and by itself, one of your hands was reaching for the pale one that had fallen next to your face. Slender fingers and large palms with veins screaming efforts under their skin; you knew Levi’s hands had been bloodied – dirtied – too in the past. But they kept being intriguing. They kept being soft, and they kept being warm. Yours were only soft and warm when they were held by his, or else they were cold and they were rough. 

You never really thought these could be hands someone would accept to touch.

Maybe it was because the scars on your knuckles had faded and that the torn skin turned into a lighter, thicker one. They were still here, though. Because they were scars.

Scars remain forever into someone’s skin.

But apparently, it was something Levi could live with.

So you whispered back, “Hey,” and if it wasn’t about the shadows stripping on his face, you could have sworn that for a second, there was a hint of a smile on his face.

“How are you feeling?” 

He looked younger, despite the bruised colour of his under eyes, and despite the heavy falling of his eyelids, he looked relaxed. Completely, just for that moment, and no matter how hard you tried you couldn’t recall having ever seen him this way before.

“Better.”

‘Better’ seemed more convenient than ‘good’ or ‘fine’. Better meant better and it meant that if Levi was here then things were automatically better than ‘good’ or than ‘fine’.

He blinked slowly, and ‘better’ suddenly seemed euphemistic when you felt a thumb caressing your thumb under your palm.

“Good.”

It was nice to see certainty – serenity – on his face, and how he wasn’t doubting or trying to figure out if you regretted anything. 

It was almost getting difficult to believe you were really here.

“Do you want something to eat?”

You answered, “No,” with your head.

“Okay. Get ready, then. I’m escorting you to your base.”

You didn’t really feel like trying to convince him otherwise.

 

* * *

 

It was hard to get your eyes off the midnight blue cloak flapping lightly on Levi’s back. 

There was no emblem, no wings of freedom, nothing. Just a dark thick fabric dancing on his skin. 

You wondered where it was coming from, but it wasn’t really something that seemed to matter when every step you were taking through the stables was leading you closer to the inexorable fact that in a couple of hours, Levi would be _there_. 

If your heart was floating way above your head when you opened your eyes this morning now it was getting stamped beneath your weight.

There were about dozens of absurdities travelling through your mind to make him stay. Hold him hostage. Convince his horse to feign a cold and make him run late. Ruin the gate. And the most unrealistic of all: convince him. Though you knew way too well that Levi was Levi and that the Corps were the Corps. And it was because Levi was Levi that you were restraining yourself from acting stupid. But the more you remembered the brightness curtaining the sky under its orange coat when you stepped outside his room, the more you remembered no cloud meant no good. And if you were allowed to forget about this homemade superstition during those last two years, now you couldn’t do anything but discreetly touch the wood of the stall doors and wish it would be enough to ward off the threat that said that the brighter the sky, the worst happens.

But apparently, it wasn’t enough.

Because walking along the stalls still stayed dangerous when there were hungry teeth just waiting for you.

Suddenly, there was a puff of humid air next to your face, and you could _feel_ the strand of hair previously fluttering above your shoulder now getting _stuck_ between _those teeth_. You barely had time to leap to the side, swing your hand to free your hair and feel some getting pulled out of your scalp and start a, “Still not today, Shallot,” that your sentence finished in a yelp and it was now your blouse getting stuck between teeth that were pulling you until your back knocked against a stall door.

“What the—”

Thankfully your hold quickly became loose and you were able to turn around to see the chestnut muzzle right in front you. Your breath hitched when you saw how he was rocking his head back and forth and how he was pressing himself flush to the door.

“Moka?”

For a moment you were doubting, but then when he reached back for the fabric on your shoulder to nibble it again, there wasn’t any left. 

If before you would have pushed him away now you were left both speechless and still. You barely heard the footsteps coming in your direction when Moka let go of your clothing to rest his head on your shoulder.

What was it with your eyes suddenly stinging again?

“He’s with the carts now.”

You weren’t really sure what it was about, but the warm feeling in your chest and the tears you were blinking away were telling you that there definitely was more than someone you had left two years ago. And if somehow you thought it wasn’t as bad as it seemed back then, now you were feeling unambiguously guilty again.

“He doesn’t really let anyone mount him.”

It was awfully heartbreaking to see how Moka didn’t even seem to care, and how the heavy breaths next to your ear were so even.

“Petra tried to approach him but he almost got her off her saddle on our first mission.”

You couldn’t help but chuckle, even despite the still vividly imprinted sensation of your back crashing on the ground the first time you tried yourself. 

“Yeah, he tends to freak out if he feels someone is stressed,” you commented, a hand absentmindedly patting the horse’s neck.

“I mean, that’s not surprising he’s causing such trouble.”

You turned your head to Levi, brow arched, “Because he was mine?”

The answer, “Yeah,” was expected but it still brought a small smile to your face and a shrug of your free shoulder when you heard it.

It was funny how things had changed and still remained the same somehow. The fact that you had left was unavoidable, it was still on Levi’s face. It was clear in Moka’s behaviour, and it was also clear when Petra showed up last night. Yet, it all seemed to fall back into place. Like, in the end, you had been forgiven a long time ago already.

_Petra._

Levi’s words were echoing.

_“Our first mission.”_

But he interrupted anything you may start thinking with a, “We need to go.”

Did he... “Levi?”

You stepped back enough so Moka was forced to straighten up, and turned to Levi, who already had his back to you and started to walk away. 

There was a moment of silence before you dubiously asked, “Is she...Is she in your squad now?”

He slowly stopped in his track, and turn around to eye you, confused for a moment, eyes narrowing and brow furrowing slightly before his face relaxed again. Yet, no answer came and you even started to think you might never have one before he finally said, “With the guy you saw yesterday. Bozado. You know him too.” 

Bozado. Oluo. That was why his voice sounded familiar then. Even the small glimpse you gave his face was now recalling you his back-talking and the chats he and Petra had during their training. The guy was good, sure. But way too arrogant. It was even surprising Levi chose him.

“She was pretty lost at the beginning. But she fits in well with the group now.”

So in the end, he really did it. 

“How is she doing?”

Levi shrugged, “She’s still alive.”

“Yeah.” That was already more than enough, after all. “Thank you.”

He gave you a small nod, and you wanted to laugh at how the look in his eyes was trying to convince you that you had nothing to do with the fact that Petra was now in his squad. 

When he turned around again and ambled in direction of his stall, there was a small knock on the back of your head. 

You looked back to Moka who was staring at you, with fluttering obsidian eyes and suddenly there was a twist in your stomach. So you asked Levi, “Do you think...” You continued warily, “Do you think it’s okay if I borrow him?”

Even if he already was feet away you could clearly hear the clicking of his tongue. You pressed your lips together to stifle a chuckle and waited patiently until he said, “No one should be here until another hour.”

You could already find yourself smiling. “So?”

He was almost to his box when he replied, “So, I’m putting it on you if someone notices.”

You forced yourself to cough to avoid a squeal to come out of your throat.

 

* * *

 

The streets of Trost never felt that empty before. Under the awakening sky, the clinking of the horse’s hooves, and the soft breeze floating, the illusion you and Levi were alone in the city seemed way too real. 

You followed him silently, not daring to disturb the peaceful atmosphere around and too aware of the sudden tension in his shoulders since you had left his quarters.

The few glimpses you could get of his face when you were taking a turn were telling you that the candid aura surrounding the both of you this morning was long gone. The slight creases between his brows were back, and you wondered if it was because he was now too awake to fight them or because he was aware as well that, in only a few minutes, goodbyes were about to be said.

Trying to escape the thoughts didn’t do anything. They found a way back only a few heartbeats later. 

Watching Levi hurt. Watching Levi hurt when you knew it may be the last time.

How do people wait for a loved one? How do they clench their fists and pray to the gods they’ll be able to see them again? When do they start to accept that someday, someone will knock on their door and tell them that they won’t?

You knew what it was like – lose someone. But not this way. Never this way.

It wasn’t like you weren’t able to do anything. It wasn’t like you weren’t able to go out there and fight – like all you could do was _wait_.

Maybe it was what it was about. What Armin, and what even Eren said. In the end, you needed something. It was selfish, for someone supposed to protect Humanity. But you needed something to fight for. Something you wouldn’t mind dying for. And for most people, Humanity wasn’t enough.

Thinking about it, you already found it long ago. 

You already almost died for him. 

Saving Humanity had always been the primary thing. It had always been the excuse. 

But your will could only waver if you had nothing you wanted to get in the end. That was how it worked. It was sickening to admit it, but you had never been more willing to fight for freedom than when you were in Levi’s arms.

If fighting meant to stay this way; if fighting meant you could at least have a chance to get this; if _dying_ meant that you at least tried to get this, then maybe it was worth it again. If you could just have a hand to hold on sleepless nights and know it won’t be ripped away from you the next day, then it _was_ worth it.

For a moment, you wondered if Levi ever had something he wanted to fight for except than freeing Humanity. Was he even capable of thinking for himself rather than the greatest number?

When he halted in front of you, your heart almost jumped up your throat and when you lifted your eyes and saw the building you were aiming for right on the corner of the street, you felt like throwing up.

You trotted to reach his level, so slowly you started to believe that even Moka didn’t really want to let him – you – leave.

Once your feet slipped off the stirrups and hit the ground, your heart was aching. You barely felt the force to turn around when you heard Levi land and walk to you.

“[F/N]?”

There was askance, but your eyes screwed shut when his voice reached your ears. It hurt. It hurt so fucking much and yet you asked, so quietly and warily, “Do you really want me to come back?”

You could almost see him stiffening when you continued, “You said it last night. You asked me to come back.”

He only greeted you with silence. That was expected, so this time, you turned around, yet eyes still low, and he finally spat, “Don’t even think about it.”

This, too, was expected.

“I will,” you said firmly. “Whether you want it or not.”

You finally met his eyes when he said after a heavy sigh, “You know as much as I do what can happen there.”

“I know.”

He sighed heavily again. You could tell he was trying to stay calm. “Then stop being ridiculous. Erwin will never accept it anyway.”

You retorted, “He said he would. If I wanted to come back.” 

“I’ll talk to him.” He suddenly turned away, as if he was ready to leave just like that. 

You grabbed his sleeve swiftly enough to prevent it. “Levi.”

“Yeah, we’ll talk about it later.”

Shit. It _hurt_. “There’s nothing to talk about. I’ve made my decision.” His face was turned in your direction enough for you to know he was at least listening. “I know you don’t see it that way. But trust me.” You took a deep breath before saying, “I need to be there with you.”

“No.” It was stern, and sharp.

Your nails were clawing both the fabric and his skin now. “Levi. I’ve lost enough time.” 

“You were the one who wanted it.”

“I know. But it’s different now,” you said.

His eyebrows only furrowed. “It’s different? What is different?”

“I thought you hated me,” you murmured, faintly and somehow wishing he wouldn’t be able to hear it.

You retracted your hand in shame, looking down and away from Levi’s eyes when he turned back to you with a, “Huh?”

He waited until you would continue. Though it was the last thing you wanted to say out loud, you submitted, too afraid to lose him again, “And...I thought there wasn’t anything worthy left in the Corps. I just lost everyone. Even the people we were supposed to protect were turning their back on us...”

“You idiot,” he said. “I said and did some shit, I know.” 

His hand was on your cheek to guide your face to his. “But I was only trying to make sure you would stay.” He paused a moment before adding, hand falling back to his side, “And that you wouldn’t die.”

For a moment, there were only the winds filling the space and the silence between you and Levi. You didn’t know what to say, or what to do. It was uncomfortable, and the heat spreading to your cheeks and inside your chest only made it more uncomfortable.

“Oi.”

You slowly lifted your eyes to his lips when they formed, “I’ll come back.”

But dropped them again when you replied, “You can’t say this.”

“I will.”

The tone of his voice was still sharp, and so _sure_ , as if he was offended you may think he won’t. For a moment, you started to think you really were the one being ridiculous. 

It was almost scary to trust someone this much.

You almost shivered when you felt a hand gently tuck a strand of hair behind your ear. “Come here before the ceremony.” He sounded soft again. “We’ll talk about this.”

You looked down and away. “I don’t know, Levi. After, maybe.”

“I’m sure they can do it without you. It’s not like you’ll have much to do anyway.”

“I’ll see what I can do,” you murmured.

“Otherwise I’m bringing your ass up here,” he monotonously said, and you couldn’t help but chuckle a bit.

When your eyes finally lifted up to his face the same expression he wore this morning was back again, and you couldn’t help but wish you would be able to see it for as long as you could. Today, and another day and all the other days you would be given. Your heart was aching, still, when you were thinking the promises he made couldn’t be ones that could be promised or at least, kept forever but, _Levi is Levi_ , you recalled, and that probably was the only thing you could hold on to right now. Maybe he will come back. Maybe. Because he was Levi.

Without you even had the time to think about it, your arms were wrapped around his neck. You didn’t even hear the surprised huff or felt the stiffening of his body when yours bumped against it. There was just his heat and his heart throbbing against your own, the softness of his hair tickling your cheek and, when he finally found the force to relax, the fingers nestling in your hair, and the other fingers pressing between your shoulder blades.

“I can come back too, Levi.”

“I know.”

You squeezed him lightly with a sigh, and you pondered how just holding someone could be so salving. You found yourself closing your eyes, breath steady. Levi was both steel and molten against you. It was funny how things had changed. How before a light brush of your hand would have been too much and now he didn’t seem to really mind about having your whole being pressed against his. You couldn’t help but feel a bit proud, but you knew it wasn’t something you should make a remark about.

When he pulled away, you already wanted to reach again. But then he leaned in, with a hand on your jaw and a push on your lips with his own. Firm, and still somehow tender. Long enough to express his own worry but short enough to leave place to other ones. 

Levi’s kisses would never be something usual.

He whispered above your lips, “Tonight.”

And you almost really did believe in it when you answered, “Yes.”

A soft swipe of his thumb on your jaw, and he was back on his horse, holding Moka’s reins, a last small nod and a longing gaze, and he was gone with that navy cloak fluttering behind him.

You tried not to think that it might be the last sight you would ever get of him.

 

* * *

 

The landscape in front of you was stretching to such extend you wondered if it even had an end. It wasn’t the first time you were seeing it from this perspective, but it was the first time you could actually take time to notice the beauty of what was laying there.

On the ground you didn’t have time for that, only a few minutes maybe and then it was the fear that was settling in. If you were able to see it, it was because you were risking your life for it. It couldn’t only be a privilege.

But here, from above, there wasn’t anything you should be scared of. You were safe, and still able to see the forests and the lands. If the structure beneath your feet wasn’t there, maybe it would feel like what true freedom feels like.

A few clouds were travelling above your head now, and you started to think that after all, maybe things won’t go so bad. 

Everyone was already waiting. The kids had been allowed to watch the departure before they would get to follow their last day of training. You could catch a glimpse of a few of them in the crowd. They all seemed impatient, excited. But you recalled it was often this way before you would come back with bloodied carts. Then, it was disappointment, anger. Maybe a few of them will even change their mind when they’ll see it. 

“[L/N].”

Rita was coming in your direction when she called your name. She was one of the only instructors who decided to watch the show from the Wall. Thankfully, Emil and Ben were watching out the kids. You didn’t feel like being interrogated, and so, had been not so discreetly avoiding them since you got back. Rita didn’t ask questions. Rita didn’t really seem to care. It was nice.

You hummed in response, eyes still roaming the streets of Trost and waiting for the ones everyone was waiting for here too. 

“You know where Braun and Hoover are? I’ve been looking for them since we got here.”

Rita always had something intimidating about her. Even the way she spoke, despite the fact she probably didn’t mean to, sounded like she was ready to cut anyone’s throat who would take in a breath at the wrong moment. You didn’t really care. Rita never really hurt anyone.

“No doubt they’re hiding from you, Rita,” you shrugged. “They’re probably with the rest of them downstairs.” 

There never was a pause before she would answer. It was always flinty, quick. You didn’t know how she was doing it. “They aren’t.”

You let out an exasperated sigh. “Well, then they must be petting somewhere, that’s all.” You saw her stiffening from the corner of your eye. “They’ll come back when they’re done,” you scoffed – Rita wasn’t really the type to joke. “It shouldn’t take long anyway, don’t worry.”

She turned around, her blades clattering inside her sheaths as she stiffly walked away and muttered something under her breath. You watched her go with a smirk when a faint drum broke the silence residing in the sky.

Your head immediately jerked in its direction, where you could see the horde of green cloaks advancing somewhere beneath your feet. 

The kids were pointing their fingers in all different ways, and you could see their mouths open with praise and admiration, but from where you were, it was all silent, barely a small buzz. You weren’t sure if it was actually because of the distance or because nothing seemed to make its way through your senses except that one silhouette in the front row.

You never really paid attention to what he looked like in those circumstances before. It was true that he seemed intimidating and cold, and his stance and the way he looked around meant arrogance and irritation. The gap between how he was in front of a crowd and how he was in a closed space was almost impressive. 

It was making you smile, somehow.

Erwin was there too, and seeing him somehow brought you a bit of comfort when you never really thought it would. Mike and Hange were there. Eld and Gunther and Petra and Oluo and Dita and Moblit and everyone. There were new faces, and some you couldn’t find. With the relay teams, there was a boy with dark hair, tall and strong next to a blonde girl. It only took a narrowing of your eyes before you accepted the fact it couldn’t be them. They still appeared sometimes, just like that. In a crowd, from the back or from afar. With time, it became easier not to see their face on other people. They didn’t appear as much, and it didn’t hurt as much when they did. 

In just a couple of minutes, every soldier was gathered in front of the Wall, chatting as you usually all did in a way to lighten the mood before the final hour and you recalled how those small moments were what made the Corps feel like home. How comfort was never really something that was said but it was still something that was constantly around. How you didn’t even need to talk to be understood. How the Corps resonated not only with ‘home’ but also with ‘family’. A family that makes mistakes. A family that doesn’t always get along, but a family that always finds the force to forgive.

The Wall started to tremble beneath your feet with a deafening quake when the gate lifted open. 

A few screams, and everyone advance.

You leapt to the other edge of the Wall, probably too dangerously close for anyone out here as you watched the wave of green cloaks submerging the green of the grass and matching the one of the pines in the distance. 

Levi came to the front, Petra and his squad behind him, and the soldiers got in position, dancing perfectly over the field as if they were _already_ flying.

It took you all you had not to just pull the triggers on your sides and join them.

Only now you really found it – the beauty. 

Of the war.

Of this world.

Because now it rhymed with something else. 

It was Hell. 

But maybe there was a way through it.

And “maybe” was already more than enough in this world.

“Maybe” was something that was worth a fight.


	22. Epilogue

Levi walks between limbs and crimson rivers. 

 

**. . .**

 

_The sky was still a curtain of black when he opened his eyes._

_He must have slept an hour, maybe less._

_Probably less._

 

**. . .**

 

He thinks about the torn cloak folded in his drawer. About the teacup and the box. About the letter. About everything that means “her.”

 

**. . .**

 

_The morning was far from rising, and he couldn’t stay in this room._

_Not when the bed above him was empty now._

_It felt like it would cave and crush him under the weight it was supporting at any moment._

 

**. . .**

 

Levi walks between limbs and crimson rivers. He can’t help but think that one of them might come from her.

 

**. . .**

 

_So Levi jumped out of the thin covers he had placed on his body, way too hastily for his own taste, his bare feet thumping on the floorboards without daring to have a look at the heavy hovering bunk or to check if the snoring people sharing the quarters have been woken up._

_He didn’t care. Because he knew there was another cold and heavy bed a few rooms away and the mere thought of it was sickening him._

_When he closed the door after swiftly slipping on his shoes, Levi wasn’t really sure where to go._

_He thought about going on the roof, where it was lonely and quiet and beautiful, but he couldn’t._

_He just couldn’t._

 

**. . .**

 

His blades are still stained with the blood of the Titans he killed when he arrived in Trost. He doesn’t even think about cleaning them.

 

**. . .**

 

_He felt his stomach churn, and his heart beating up his ribcage._

_Now, when he was thinking about it, he doubted that he would ever be able to find it beautiful again._

 

**. . .**

 

It was after putting them down and enduring the stuttered uncomprehensible explanations of that blond kid that he had left everything else to Erwin, who didn’t even insist for him to stay. He just nodded in direction of the streets with a, “Go,” and Levi was pretty much sure that he never heard as much encouragement in Erwin’s voice than in this simple word.

 

**. . .**

 

_So Levi just walked, soundlessly through the corridors, without really knowing what to do._

_He couldn’t even say their names in his head._

 

**. . .**

 

His eyes roam every corner they have access to, and his feet guide him to every place he didn’t explore before. He looks through the windows of the houses, and his lungs call for a name with a broken voice. 

 

**. . .**

 

_There was nothing but a few faint strips of moonlight to shed light on his drifting path. No one’s door was sitting on a golden hue. Not even that bastard Erwin’s._

_Only silence, and only dark. Compared to the din of the days and the one still residing in his head, it almost seemed surreal to finally be on his own again. But Levi wasn’t really sure if he deserved the comfort of the night, and he never thought loneliness could be so sour._

_He barely had time to stop before bumping into the door in front of him when he reached the end of he wasn’t sure which corridor._

_It didn’t even feel like he was himself anymore. Not like someone else. Just like he wasn’t here, and he realised it really was tiring to let people approach him just so they could go away sooner._

_The door was ajar, and having a look at it now he recalled it lead to what Flagon told him was the library._

_Flagon._

_Even thinking that asshole was dead now hurt._

_The frown on Levi’s face became even deeper as he poked his head through the opening with nothing but sheer curiosity._

_Somehow, he already felt like he was about to regret it._

 

**. . .**

 

Levi thinks about the first time he talked to her, about the last and all the ones in between. He thinks about her skin and about her eyes. He thinks about how he was supposedly the one in danger and how now he doesn’t know if she’s still alive.

 

**. . .**

 

_For a moment, he saw nothing. The room was dark, with no apparent one. But in a corner, back against the wall and sat on the floor there was someone. He instantly stilled, ready to retreat before he heard the heavy and steady breathing that was filling the space between them. He couldn’t really see their face, but he could see the open book placed on their lap that was slowly sliding from their hands._

_In a second it was on a floor, with a sound that seemed too loud in the quietness of the room, and he could almost hear the heart slamming against the ribcage of the person who just jumped awake._

_Levi wasn’t really sure why he didn’t draw away in this moment, it would have been easy in the precipitation and startle of that person as they swiftly straightened up to grab back the book in their hand._

_Quickly, he then realised that “they” was actually a “she,” and that “she” had a skin that was radiating under the moonlight. He found himself contemplating, and before he had time to get a grip on himself and go away, there were two glowing eyes looking right at him._

_She looked confused, and a bit lost and for a second even upset before her eyes went down again to the floor as she rose up with a sudden embarrassed look on her face._

_“Sorry, I’ve fallen asleep.”_

_He didn’t understand why she was apologising, but it sounded more like she was saying it to herself than to him._

_She walked to a table nearby to lay the book on its edge before he heard the scraping of a match and suddenly the room was lit in a golden hue._

_Gold suited her as well as silver did._

_But he didn’t want her to see his face. He wanted to go now. He knew what was coming if she saw his face._

_“Oh.”_

_And here it is._

_“You are...”_

_Fuck._

_“Levi, right?”_

_He couldn’t find the will to answer. He was just waiting for the pitiful words that should follow. This, or the mockery._

_“I don’t think you should be here, actually.”_

_But somehow, none of it ever came._

_“Cadets can’t be wandering around this late.”_

_He never thought he’d be that grateful to be scolded._

_“Go back to your dorm.”_

_She was looking at him with bright eyes, and if from what it sounded like she was more highly placed than him in the hierarchy, she wasn’t really talking to him as if he was a cadet._

_It sounded more like something nice hidden behind a so-called authoritarian tone._

_“I can’t sleep,” he replied cooly, but his voice came out hoarse, way more hoarse that what he wanted it to be. He sounded like he was choking almost. He sounded like he was about to give up and he hated it._

_She didn’t react, and he didn’t know if it was because she didn’t notice the weakness in his voice or if she pretended not to have noticed it. In both cases, he felt somewhat grateful again, even if the only thing he was thinking about now was punching himself._

_For a moment she was eyeing him with nothing really clear on her face, and then she turned around with a dismissive hand. “They forgot to close the kitchen if you want to grab something.”_

_He didn’t need to be repeated. He needed to get out of here. It was getting suffocating, and indeed, maybe he needed some tea._

_Levi left the library with a leisurely pace when he wished he could have run. Yet the moment he was left alone again in the corridor he felt his heart clench. He didn’t know why, and deep down, he didn’t really want to._

_He didn’t really want to realise that loneliness had been weighing on him way more than he would have wished._

_Levi reached the mess hall in what felt like seconds, and before he had time to think about it he was in the kitchen waiting for water to boil with two cups in front of him._

_If it was the first time Levi ever stepped here, he only had a look around him in order to find what he was looking for. But at least, he took time to notice things didn’t look too filthy. Which kind of reassured him._

_Once bubbles were popping at the surface, Levi grabbed the pan to pour the fuming water on top of the dark leaves sitting on the bottom of the cups._

_He stopped halfway through the second one._

_Why is there two cups in front of him?_

_Fuck._

_She didn’t ask for anything, he recalled, but he couldn’t throw it away now. He could drink it, but he couldn’t gulp it down either. He just had to give it to her. Maybe she doesn’t even like tea. He should add some sugar. Most people like sugar. Do they even have sugar here? Sugar is expensive. He looked for sugar. He found sugar on a shelf that he struggled to reach. Levi put a pinch of it in the cup with a frown. He didn’t really like sugar._

_Then, he had the two cups in hand, opening doors with his back and something quite intelligible told him that he should go back to his room. Or somewhere else. He shouldn’t stay there. She will inevitably talk about them. Everyone knew about them. He couldn’t talk about it._

_He wanted to convince himself he didn’t need or want company. But even in the gutters of the Underground he never felt as alone as he felt now. He didn’t need or want to talk. He didn’t need or want fake-ass apologies or any form of pity. He had always been by himself, he will just have to learn it again._

_He wanted to order his feet to stop moving, but somehow he ended up stepping back into the same room she was in._

_She was still sat on the floor, book in hands. He couldn’t help but frown thinking of the bed of dirt she was certainly sitting on, and at the same time, he didn’t really care. So he walked to her, and even if she should have noticed he was back by now she didn’t lift her head from the book. When he was in front of her, he held her the cup he had in his right hand. It took a clicking of his tongue for her to finally look at it._

_“Oh.” Her eyes flickered between his face and the cup with slight confusion again before her expression fell as she laid the book back on her lap for her hands to grab what he was offering. “Thanks.”_

_There was a second where her fingertips grazed his. He fought back the urge to let the cup fall between them at the sensation._

_How long has it been since he touched someone? Properly. Skin to skin. It felt like forever. He sure as hell didn’t miss it but he found himself not hating it either._

_Her skin was cold, and she was trembling a little when she brought the cup to her lips. Levi started thinking that maybe making that extra tea wasn’t such a bad thing, after all._

_He noticed a twitch of her brow when she gulped it down. He didn’t really know if it was because of the sugar or just because she didn’t like tea. He wasn’t in the mood to ask. But then she took another sip with knitted brows before her eyes widened. She definitely noticed the sugar now. Her eyes narrowed in suspicion but quickly softened with a clear attempt to avoid his form as she continued to drink a little. She looked embarrassed. He wasn’t sure why. He just put sugar in her tea._

_She kept her eyes down, taking back the book in her hands after she put the cup next to her on the floor, and Levi decided that sitting on the floor wasn’t such a horrendous act. So he sat next to her. Close enough to be able to whisper, but far enough to be able to breathe._

_He brought his own cup to his lips with unfocused eyes fixed in front of him, letting the hot liquid soothe his throat and wishing the hoarse sound from earlier will never come back._

_Then he heard a snort, and when his eyes shifted to the pages she was slowly turning, he caught a glimpse of a drawing. It looked like a landscape, and like a river. There was water, but it wasn’t a river. He had never seen a river that big before. Apparently, it seemed to amuse her._

_He let the rim fall from his lips to be able to ask, “What is this?”_

_She snorted again. “Myths.” Levi felt his brow lift above his eye. “My subordinates have been talking about it for weeks and forced me to read that shit.”_

_He hummed, slightly confused, and slightly not really caring but asking anyway, “And they forbid you to sleep until you finish it?”_

_“No. I just couldn’t sleep either. But this helps.”_

_Levi answered by taking another sip of tea. He didn’t want to start thinking about what to think of her. He didn’t even know what he was doing here._

_Then she said, “You’ll get use to sleepless nights,” and her voice was soft when she said it, but not so soft that he felt apology in it, and somehow, it made him want to stay a little longer in this library._

_So Levi replied, “I’ve always struggled anyway,” with his eyes shifting back in front of him, trying to lose his thoughts between the shadows of the bookcases and the armchairs he wondered why she didn’t decide to take place in instead of that cold hard dirty floor._

_“Then maybe this could help you more than me.”_

_He felt his eyes squint. “Huh?”_

_He turned his face to see her handing him the book, open at the pages she was reading moments prior._

_“Let’s make a deal, you read this, make me a summary and I won’t say anything about you sneaking out.”_

_“I wasn’t sneaking out.”_

_Her expression didn’t change. She was looking at him right in the eye, patiently waiting until he would give in, and Levi quickly understood that he was trapped. The last thing he wanted was to_ actually _be scolded for not respecting that damn curfew time. And after all, it wasn’t like he had better to do than look at some drawings and read paragraphs._

_“I’m not doing this for you,” he sighed, putting the cup down next to his leg to take the book out of her hand._

_“Thanks,” she said with an obvious not truly grateful tone and a sly smile, rising from the floor to cross the room._

_Levi thought she was about to leave, but when he saw her grabbing a book from one of the bookcases next to the door and make her way back to him, the reassurance he felt almost scared him._

_He wasn’t sure, but it seemed like she was a bit closer than before when she sat next to him again._

_“So you just give me this so you can read another one?”_

_“Shut up and get to it already.”_

_He clicked his tongue at her words, but at the same time, he couldn’t help the small smirk that was lingering on his lips._

 

**. . .**

 

Levi turns right and left and leaps on roofs and then back on the ground. He asks soldiers and runs between limbs and blood and corpses. He remembers the moments where he ran for Farlan and Isabel. He remembers the fear. 

He feels it.

 

**. . .**

 

_It didn’t take long before the sounds of her breathing were filling the library again._

_Levi learned that the river was actually an “ocean,” and it did seem like his eyelids were becoming heavier._

_His eyes left the pages for a moment to look at her. Her cold expression had melted in the candlelight, and she almost looked naive with her eyes closed. He wondered if he should wake her up so she could go in her room instead._

_But he couldn’t put himself to do it yet. So he decided he will just wait a bit longer._

_He wasn’t really sure why._

 

**. . .**

 

He feels the fear like he felt it when he rode to her that day. He feels it like he felt it when he saw her on the ground – when he saw the torn emblem on her back and the blood on her temple. 

He feels the cold like he felt it when he laid his own cloak on her and like he felt it whenever her fingers let go of his at night.

He remembers her cloak is sitting in his drawer, and how much it still smells like her in spite of the time that has passed. He remembers the way her hair smells, and the sound of her chuckles. 

There is a knot in his stomach when he remembers her voice and her face and the prickling of his skin when she touched it – when he thinks of the tears she had in her eyes when he saw her the night before and her ragged breaths when she was in the cart.

He feels like throwing up when he starts to think that he might have to learn to forget it all over again.

 

**. . .**

 

_Levi was wakened up by a shattering sound. He saw her jumping awake from the corner of his eye at the same time as he did, and before he even had time to wonder how or when did he fall asleep, it was irritation that was prickling his skin when he realised that the liquid previously held safely in the cup next to his leg was now seeping in both the floorboards and his trousers._

_There even were a few bits of ceramic scattered on the floor too._

_“Shit.”_

_He jolted upright in attempt to preserve the remaining white of his clothes, blood humming with an irrepressible urge to punch himself and his sudden inability to stay awake and not kick a cup of tea in his sleep._

_Levi kept cursing at himself, forgetting about the person on his right as he kneeled to reach for the broken pieces at his feet._

_“Calm down,” he heard her said._

_Then suddenly she was the one taking them in her hands, her delicate fingers picking the tiniest bits with ease, and for a moment he was almost scared her skin would break under the flinty edges, but it never did. Not a single cut despite her thin flesh._

_“It’s okay,” she whispered._

 

**. . .**

 

Levi feels his knees and his will almost giving up as he jumps back on the ground.

Then he hears a cough behind him.

 

**. . .**

 

_There was something about her hands. They were both strong and fragile and he didn’t really understand how it was possible._

 

**. . .**

 

He turns around, and bright eyes are looking right at him. 

 

**. . .**

 

_When he lifted his eyes there was a soft smile on her face._

 

**. . .**

 

Sunset suits her as much as silver and gold do.

 

**. . .**

 

_He couldn’t help how warm it made him feel inside._

 

**. . .**

 

He barely notices the stains of blood covering her face. 

 

**. . .**

 

_Then she said something that for unknown reasons made his breath hitch._

 

**. . .**

 

Her voice is small, but he can hear it despite the deafening pounds of his heart. 

“You’re back.”

 

**. . .**

 

_“I’m sure we can fix this.”_


End file.
